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Maybe I’m crazy..
Maybe I’m crazy or just need a friend or real help. I’ve been pole dancing on and off for about 10 years. I’ve worked my ass off all my life. I got married at a very young age of 20. I’ve never had support, not the kind of support you need but I do have a wonderful family. I’ve always been a sort of tomboy. I’m an only girl out of 4 boys. I quit high school to work 2 jobs and other jobs mainly food service of some kind. When I met my hubby I was ambitious to learn anything so I ended up doing concrete work and roofing, which I still do to this day. I’ve always been strong and little so it helped me. We even owned our own tire shop for over a year, which I was good at and found out what bitches some women are and can be. When they roll up with tire trouble and see me a skinny chick with long dark hair trying to help them out. Haha I got a lot of shit from them…and a lot of points with the husbands and men around town. I was still oblivious to what their fucking problem with me was, but looking back I guess they didn’t like the idea of a chick like me working on their cars. Guess they didn’t think I could change their tires or oil haha well I fucking did and I did a good job. I’ve even changed motors and transmissions. Like I said I’ve always and still do work like a man and do a mans job. I also live in a small town of less than 800. So I’m looking back and realizing I’ve never felt like a woman. I’ve been so engrossed in working my ass off for a living that I forgot to be a woman. Keep in mind that I do my makeup and hair every day. I never go in public without makeup. I may work like a man but I look like a female. And I do enjoy my pole now and then for ME. Now I work for the same city as a wastewater operator and blacktopper water meter reader, backhoe operator or whatever else needs to be done. I’ve been here 5 years I hold a water distribution 2 license and wastewater license. I have also worked hard and got my high school diploma. Well my dilemma is I’m going on 30 years old with no real accomplishment, I’m in debt up to my eyeballs and beyond, I’m married and with the same man for 11 years, I’m trying to homeschool my 11 year old, I’ve never had time to soul search and find out who I am and what I wanna be, I’ve always been a pleaser and done whatever makes everyone else happy, I’ve put me off for so many years that I’m depressed and it took me so long to figure out; while I come home every night I smoke I drink beer I’m pissy and upset every night. I’m so sick of cooking and cleaning and picking up after everybody. I have no time to myself. I’m driving myself crazy with questions: am I being too selfish? Am I crazy? What’s wrong with me? I don’t wanna be where I am now or in 10 more years. But I can’t do anything without hurting somebody. I wanna feel like a woman, I wanna be confident, I wanna be self sufficient, I want my own vehicle that I have never had. I want to dance, I want support that I’ve never had. Anyway I feel so stuck, I don’t know what to do. I’ve never had a friend I could talk to. I don’t know if anyone can relate to me, but it would be nice if someone could and maybe shoot me some advice. Maybe something I haven’t thought of. I have no real life females to talk to so I thought I would throw my sob story out there and maybe could connect with someone. Everyone on here seems so nice and supportive and it’s something I yearn for. I would like to eventually quit my job and teach pole dance/fitness for a living but just don’t know about the small town crap. I don’t have the money right now to go to a bigger town. My hubby would flip if I ever quit or did something on my own. I don’t know, hopefully you nice people on here won’t think me a complete retard for saying all this. It’s just I’ve never been able to unload anywhere else.
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8 Replies
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You sound pretty accomplished to me. A working mother skilled in a male dominated field who homeschools her son, and has been maintaining a marriage for 11 years. You are a super woman in my eyes. If a change is what you need then maybe start in small steps. It’s not selfish to want to enjoy your life or pursue goals and dreams. Put some thought into what interests you and go from there. Maybe you can take a course in something you are interested in. There could even be online options if it’s hard for you to find time. Never write yourself off we all deserve to be excited about life.
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You’re not crazy. You are a very busy woman & you deserve a little break from the chaos every now & then, we all do! It’s ok & definitely not selfish. Dive back into poling, it will help a lot in releasing tension & stress. I can relate to your situation. I am the breadwinner in my household, always been a hustler (2-3 jobs at a time) & I’m always in school it seems striving for more/better. I can’t sit still, I always have to stay busy. My hubby & I also have been homeschooling for 5 yrs…
Feel free to pm me, so we can chat more.
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you don’t sound crazy or selfish at all! The way I see it we only have 1 life and I’m always scared of missing out experiences. As long as it doesn’t harm anyone and common sense says ‘do it’ then I do what I feel. You sound like you want everything to change at once though, it may be better to do what Cherished suggested and start in small steps. Write a list of what you want to achieve/change and slowly work your way through that list. Keep a journal and write down your thoughts and feelings, it’s very cathartic. The internet is an amazing resource – you can study and learn for free – see if fitness really is your ‘thing’ by reading all the forums and academic journals online and if you still want to go for it maybe sign up with a reputable online course? Once you have that you could maybe dedicate 1 or 2 days/nights to teaching fitness to improve your self confidence/gain a good reputation and see where to go from there? I’m sorry if it all sounds like ‘drop everything and focus on yourself’ because I’m not married (though I have a long term bf and he’s really laid back and supportive of what I do) and don’t have kids so I may have a more free approach to how I would go about change. But, food for thought! π
I love this Veena community, a few years back I was struggling whether to go for a career change going from a full time ‘career’ job to part time and self employment and the support from others here was overwhelming. I am sure you will get the help and support you are looking for here π
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You sound like you’ve achieved a lot – I’m in awe of your skills – but of course if you’re not happy, it won’t feel that way to you. And I agree with Raven Kai. We have one life, and it trickles away so quickly. So if you want changes, go for it and know you have our support on here. If you were a coaching client, I wouldn’t start by asking what you want. That’s too big and (probably) too far away to see clearly right now. I’d give you a Wheel of Life to fill in so you can take stock of all the different aspects of your life and figure out where you are most satisfied and least satisfied. Right now, you might feel like nothing’s right, but there are likely to be better and worse bits. And they affect each other. When you see your current situation clearly, it’s much easier to figure out what you want to change, and how, and the bitesize steps to get there. You can Google for a Wheel of Life to do – there are a ton of them out there, usually with instructions – or I can email you one of mine to use. (Not touting for business, I promise π I’m not seeing clients at the moment – too busy poling!!)
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Wow! I am blown away by all of the wonderful comments and suggestions! Thank you all so much, it really means a lot. I will slow down and make a list like you said and the wheel of life sounds good to try too. I will definitely re read this post and update on how it’s going when I have more time. I’ve been super busy with work this week but I just wanted to say thank you to allΓ’ΒΒ€
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Hey Jessies!
I wanted to say that I know how you feel- I come from a long line of “people pleasers,” and I think over the generations we’ve perfected the art. Half the time I don’t even notice I’m doing it!
I also don’t feel very accomplished, don’t feel happy with my job, don’t want to be where I am now in 10 years (that is a LONG time though and I think lots will have changed by then!). I also have an anxiety disorder, which causes things to get a little jumbled up in my head. It’s been a tough one to really connect with myself.
That said, the very best and most amazing thing I could recommend is journaling. You don’t have to show it to anyone or talk about it, but writing down your thoughts and having discussions with yourself is the single greatest thing for my relationship with myself I have EVER done. I’ve been doing it for about two and a half years now (I started when my husband decided to tell me he no longer wanted to be with me… it was six months of craziness after that where we finally, properly broke up) and I’ve nearly filled four journals. It’s been an amazing journey and has shown me incredible things about myself.
I agree with the others, too; you sound very accomplished, you sound like you know a lot of things, you have a lot to be proud of. That said, now’s an excellent time to find a way to do things for YOU, so that you are personally proud, rather than just kind of generally.
As for finding one’s womanhood… I suppose I never had an issue with that, but I can say that I know many people who have. Take a belly dancing class (if you can, I recognize you’re in a small town), figure out what makes you feel sexy, move your body in ways that make your hips move, appreciate your own beauty. It’s not selfish or self-centered or anything else, it’s a personal journey!
And remember: What makes you happy will make everyone else happy… and if it doesn’t make them happy, perhaps you need to re-evaluate your relationship with them (or, they’re confused). And, having a child, you’re the one who shows them what life and happiness is like, and they will admire your personal journey, your strength of will and your conviction, far more than your ability to hold a job π -
Jessies. Definitely not crazy. Just sounds like you have not found or gotten to your joy in life. You have achieved quite a bit personally & professionally that was earned through your own efforts. Everyone has something different that makes them happy. Don’t ignore the small pleasures like bubble baths or time poling! Give some real thought what will do it for *YOU* Then some more planning on how to achieve those goals. Do not be afraid to ask for help! There may be some that discourage you, but align yourself with those that encourage. I was a little younger than you when a drunk driver took away my joy in life, but eventually I changed my goals and with the help of real friends found other things to bring me joy.
The road in life will have its ups & downs, speed bumps & potholes but if you plan your trip properly, you will reach your destination.
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I agree with the others you are NOT selfish. It sounds like you have a goal just do small steps every week to achieve your goal. Maybe start with mobile pole parties and researching what would be needed to do that in your area.
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