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Considering Working in a Strip Club
Can I just say that I am SO SICK of being touched, grabbed, “moved over” like I’m a piece of freaking luggage and not a person at these bs minimum wage jobs? I recently left a lousy job because some moron grabbed my ass and propositioned me a year ago, my manager pretended like he was “investigating it”, put me on a separate shift, and then eventually tried to force me to work with the guy again. I put in my two weeks and now I’ve started yet another job where people think it’s normal to touch me and no big deal instead of ASKING ME POLITELY TO MOVE OUT OF THEIR WAY. I’m on my last shred of sanity. My family completely depends on me for my income, idk what to do, I feel like I’m going to die.
So, anyway, lotta strip clubs around here. I figure if my jobs are all going to involve me being objectified anyway that maybe I could at least be well compensated and more in control of it???? I’m just sick to my stomach and I’m tired of being broke and worthless. Who knows? I’m a thirty year old mother and (although I’m not overweight) I’m not in impeccable shape. Maybe a strip club wouldn’t even hire me. Am I just gonna have to be poor and deal with unwanted touch everywhere I work forever?
And whatever advice or whatever you have to offer, PLEASE, do NOT tell me “If I were you that shit would NEVER fly with me.” because YOU are not ME. You have NO idea what I have gone through with this or how I’ve been manipulated, coerced, or how desperate my situation is. Please, spare me your tough-talk, I’m not impressed and I hate when people who’ve never been in my shoes try to put more holes in them.
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33 Replies
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Oh yeah, and anyone who has any useful information or can relate in some way your opinion is much appreciated. I am literally at my wits end, and I apologize if I come off as abrasive. I’m just so sick of being knocked around and down by everybody I come into contact with.
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I know there are some dancers here that will probably give some good answers to you but also http://www.stripperweb.com would have a ton of info you might find helpful.
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I think that going in the completely opposite direction of your comfort, “because life seems to be going that way,” is totally the wrong answer. You’re not being true to yourself in this one, you’re just grabbing at straws because you’re frustrated, afraid, and feeling out-of-control. I have done this, I’ve watched other people do it, and it never really ends well- it has not resulted in happiness, in either my experience, or in those that I observe.
So, my first thought is that you need to assess your working conditions. I’ve not had a “touching issue” when working any of my jobs, though some nonverbal use of contact has been done in order to let me know that someone is, for example, next to be, behind me, or under me when reaching into the safe. These kinds of contacts, for me, are fine because either of us may be speaking at the time, or otherwise occupied, and the easiest way to communicate is though touching. Sometimes, this can also be a “tap, tap” to say, “Please shift your hip away, you’re blocking where I need to be.” I’m also comfortable with this sort of contact.
However, being manhandled in a way that people would just move me around, would not be a comfortable sort of contact. Obviously, unwanted sexual contact is a complete no-no, but you know that already. In many cases, we are not often able to take pro-active action, and are only able to react to someone else’s actions (such as touching us in ways we don’t want).
So, What sorts of touching are you REALLY receiving? Where is your line drawn, what kinds of touching and from whom is okay? Are you feeling oversensitive to any kind of touching because of the previous issues you’ve had? Do you feel that you are frustrated with yourself, or with the actions of other people?
None of these things are bad things. If you’re feeling oversensitive to any kind of touching, that is simply where you are right now. You’ve had bad experiences, you’re scared or frustrated, you feel that there is danger… and your “line” is drawn much differently than other people’s. It’s not wrong, but being aware of it is important for your ability to communicate your needs.
If you’re frustrated with yourself, perhaps recognizing what the problem is, and realizing that there are reasons for your sensitivity, and that you may have to be gentle and easy with yourself will help. And, perhaps you will endeavor to change your behavior, and take a stronger look at what’s going on inside of you. Both of these options are fine, but they must be based in what you can do, and where you are in your journey.
My second thought is that you are in charge of your life- if things aren’t working, you need to seek change! We, as humans, are adverse to change and it can be very difficult. It’s similar to the problem of “Devil you know, devil you don’t.” When things change, or when we change things, we are moving toward the unknown, and that can be very uncomfortable and scary… but, sometimes it is necessary. We can adjust the change, we can set our intentions and move in directions we think would be best for us and for those around us.
It sounds like you’re under a lot of stress for being a major breadwinner in your family, as well as a mother. Is there someone else in your life that may be able to help you with this? Are they already helping in a monetary sense, but could perhaps change some behaviors in order to help you outside of the money problem? Or, do you need to drop some things (or people) in your life that are dragging you down, making things harder? All of these changes can be hard, difficult to ask for or admit to yourself, but sometimes analyzing them and realizing your needs is the hardest step.
Also, you must be in charge of yourself in your workplace. It can be very easy to feel helpless, victimized, in places like that. I’ve never really found a job at the minimum-wage range that makes you feel empowered. They want to keep you, and everyone else, down as much as possible. It’s manipulation, but you don’t need to accept it. Your actions, and the interactions you have with other people, are yours to control and create. If people are touching you in ways you don’t like, you need to be clear and forward with them and let them know they are overstepping your bounds.Finally, I would also suggest counselling. It sounds like there may be some underlying stressors and problems that you’re dealing with, and if you’re feeling so frustrated, I would think that some extra help would be very useful to you. Talk to a doctor about it, or find some other avenues to get you some help- even temporary help can be extremely useful. I’ve had counselors change my life and my thinking in just one session.
Allowing yourself space and time to think, to look at how things are and how things aren’t working for you, is really important. I keep a journal for this purpose, and I would highly recommend it to literally everyone in the world.
Good luck
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Hey Serzi, I just wanted to hop on and offer you some encouragement. People who think they have the right to just reach out and touch somebody else are incredibly frustrating. I hope that you find a way to feel more in control of your body, whether you strip or not. If you do, I think the resource from Cherished is full of good info.
I’m sure there will be a lot of supportive and encouraging polers on here, and I would be surprised if anyone actually comes at you against supporting your family how you feel is best. For me at least, I trust that you know your situation (emotionally, physically, financially, etc.) better than I possibly could through the computer screen.
And, to be completely honest, I think exotic dancing is an awesome profession. I actually got into pole because I love feeling like a stripper and twerking just wasn’t getting me enough mileage on its own. I have definitely considered monetizing the skills, but it just hasn’t fit into my schedule at that level. Don’t forget that some people may judge, but other people like me will think you’re awesome! The world is full of diverse people – surround yourself with the best of them (you’ve got a good start with Veeners!).
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Serzi, that really sucks all that you have gone through. I kinda understand what you mean by having more control working in a club. In a “regular” day job you just dont expect to experience that kind of behaviour. Atleast in a club it wont come as a surprise if someone tries to touch you and you can pretty much tell them to fuck off if you want. Only you know whether you are truly able to emotionally deal with stripping. I worked in a club for a few short weeks and alot of bad things happened because I was not tough enough to take care of myself. It was hard. I LOVED being on stage dancing but was not able to hustle and sell lap dances or talk to men very well. I just didnt like doing that sort of thing. I have mixed thoughts. On the one hand, I say hell yeah! go do it. make money, take back your power. And if it does feel empowering to you, then it might be good for you. On the other hand I think you are psychologically putting yourself in a situation that has already hurt you. And maybe you sub-conciously are doing that to see if you could handle things differently. I cant tell you either way what is right or wrong for you. But you know inside how you feel. I think you are pretty aware of how things are in clubs. its not all terrible. it just really depends on how it makes you feel. the thing with working as a stripper is that you are allowed to play a different version of yourself. whatever you want that to be. you get to be an actor. you can play a scary, sexy, intimidating bitch if that makes you feel better. for some that can be therapeutic. I say take a deep breath. wait a little while before making any decisions and then follow your heart. being 30 wont affect you getting a job at a club either so dont worry about that.
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Just to clarify, because I realized I had erased a sentence, and accidentally left key info out as a result.
You know your situation and what you feel is best better than any of us can. At the same time, I’m not sure that stripping is the right one for you based on your original post. Take a step back and consider everything from a calm space. Maybe plan through and compare three options, wait a day or two, then look back over them and see what feels right to you.
For example, you might consider these options:
1) Practicing verbal responses that you can use in the event of being touched. “Please don’t touch me without permission” “I asked you not to touch me like that” etc. I’ve practiced using these responses for just dealing with life, and that practice has made it a lot easier to whip them out when needed. If you feel it’s necessary, you could also take a self defense class.2) Apply for jobs elsewhere and prioritize where you will feel safer, or maybe where you will be exposed to a smaller subsection of the population
3) Try your skills as an exotic dancer! It’s a lot different from poling for fun, and it isn’t for everyone, but it might be foy you if it feels like something that won’t drive you crazy and if you won’t feel overly competitive with the other girls.
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I do also agree with the others; stripping is a profession I have a lot of respect for! I know that I couldn’t do it (I’m super uncomfortable with random people touching me, or me touching them, and I’m not okay on stage yet, and I’m not good at hustling! lol!), but I think that people who can are amazing.
And, if you take a step back, look at how things are going, make some action plans for yourself to take your power back, and one of the things you try is stripping at a club, then cool! It’s always up to you 🙂 -
Thank you all for your input. All of this has given me much to consider and I appreciate it. I am being reactive with this at the moment and it’s mainly because I don’t know what else to do. I have literally no one that can help me monetarily, I would try counseling if I could afford it, and I just feel trapped in my life. To become a stripper is probably a sugar-coated fantasy of mine. To face my fears, to control or regulate it, to say WHEN and WHO. I must say, I absolutely hate the slavery of money and needing it. I have never been one of social grace, try as I might, and it effects every aspect of my life. I can’t fake my way through anything and that would certainly put a dent in the divine dream of becoming a dancer for a living. It’s all about projecting that fantasy.
I liked Phoenix’s idea, though. Play a scary, sexy, intimidating bitch. lol If that were what appealed to a club and I were allowed to behave as such I can guarantee I’d be the most evil dominatrix-type stripper on the planet. Pieces of that come out at jobs I’ve worked, it takes a lot to get me that way in “the real world” (grabbing my ass and propositioning me like I’m a prostitute, for example) and it’s never a good outcome. I guess I figure maybe that would serve me well in a club environment if it were supposed to be my professional persona. Men sure seem to find pleasure in trying to degrade me wherever I go and almost seem to enjoy being disciplined or told off in retaliation. I, however, would find it immensely more satisfying to say whatever the Hell I want to some handsy fuckboy and then have a bouncer throw him out of my workplace for a change. Some petty sense of justice for all the bs I’ve suffered for merely existing and trying to support my family in “the straight world” for so long. Idk, is that pathetic? lol I would love for my weakness to become my strength and an asset.
Once again, babbling in circles. I know my husband would never want me to become a stripper although, really, he could not stop me if I did. (cue the “Well, what does your husband do for a living? Shouldn’t he be taking care of you instead of you taking care of him because you’re a woman and therefore incapable of supporting a household on your own?” bs) I’m so overwhelmed by my ridiculous life, I know it could be worse, blahblahblah, but that does nothing to improve anything. I have a three year old daughter and a sick husband, I have been taking care of other people my entire life and I am so close to reaching my breaking point. I initially did everything in the right order (went to school, married someone I love and trust, bought a home, had one child about seven years after marriage and supposedly financial secure enough) and I still ended up in this circumstance.
It’s not all based on attitude, either, I wasn’t always a vicious bitch. I used to believe in myself and other people and that is what has always repeatedly fucked me over. It seems the meaner and nastier I am to others the better they treat me in the long run. Problem is that I don’t like being that person to anybody who doesn’t deserve it. Strip club patrons I believe would greatly appreciate having the attention of woman who treats them like a king when they’re good and like the lowest dungeon shackled scumbag on Earth when they’re bad. It’s honesty and it’s role-playing at the same time. I guess I’m just afraid I’m too old or not fit enough to turn a profit. I’m really not that bad physically…sure doesn’t prevent guys from wanting to touch me all the fucking time, that’s for sure.
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Serzi, I totally understand the things you are saying. I have felt exactly the same way at many points in my life, even sometimes now, in some ways.
I wonder what you mean when you say that coworkers touch you instead of asking you to get out of their way?
I ask because I bartend in a busy place, which means a handful of people in really close quarters – and it’s way too loud and too busy to ask each other politely to move aside twenty times a minute. We would never get anything done! We are moving around super quickly and the only way to avoid knocking each other over, tripping each other, etc, etc is to touch your coworker (in a totally nonoffensive place, like the back or shoulder) so that they know you are there.
Of course, everyone I work with is super genuine and 100% non-creepy, which makes a big difference. So I guess what I’m wondering is if you have a sensitivity to touch in general, perhaps due to some past experiences — because touch itself is not aggressive or threatening — or whether you’re just in a bad environment with creepos everywhere. If it’s the latter, I hope you can find a job or shift with good people who don’t make advances on you. You need to be in a good environment.
I would never tell someone not to strip (more power to ya!!!) but it will not help you in dealing with this kind of thing. Naturally the grabbing, joking, etc will only be worse and your opinions of men and other people in general will not improve. There are clubs that are better environments than others but the work being what it is, the environment is largely what it is in terms of male/female dynamics and objectification.
I’m currently in massage school and we talk a lot about touch in society and how touch is often so taboo. What is it about our own attitudes that make us think touch can only mean sex or violence? Sometimes it really does just mean, “I’m just letting you know I am here so we don’t run into each other and spill things, drop things, or hurt each other.”
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Read this book: http://www.amazon.com/Candy-Girl-Year-Unlikely-Stripper/dp/1592402739
Let me know if you have a hard time getting a copy and I’ll send you mine.
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I’m not sure what you’re wearing that would make men want to grab you, but when I had a similar experience I went to my guy friends who told me it was my clothing. They had said to simply wear more baggy clothing (that means NOTHING accentuating my curves: nothing skin tight), wear a baseball hat, and basically dress more like a tomboy. It was weird at first since it’s not “me” but it worked! Basically the baggy clothing and hat was like putting on a bitch shield. Also, putting on headphones (with no music on) deterred unwanted approaches. Silly me, I was wearing tight jeans and a tight top, and didn’t realize this was making all the guys drool over me and drawing unwanted attention to me. Guys are visual creatures, I understand that, but unwanted touching is crossing a line, so these are the steps I took to prevent it.
Also, I would look to see if you can find a guy you can trust at your workplace and request to work with him. Having another guy around you will intimidate other guys from grabbing at you randombly, just like having a bouncer at a strip club. I find these problems don’t occur when I’m with guy friends or with more classy or educated men. Ok, I’ve rambled too long. Hope all or some of this helps! Kisses!
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Umm, srsly, I wear the same frumpy uniform everyone does at my job. To blame it on my clothing (or body) really makes my blood boil. Perhaps I should put a bag over my head?
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Go ahead and give it a go. This may be your last chance in life to be successful at this. But if you are really uncomfortable with being “objectified” I would not do it.
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Well, I’m constantly being treated like an object anyway practically for free. I’d kinda like to be compensated a little better or to feel some level of control or to at the very least not be caught off-guard when it happens.
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I have never worked at a strip club, but deciding to work in one because you “get objectified anyway” seems like a poor excuse to work in one and a knee-jerk response to the frustration you’re feeling.
You say that working in a strip club would put you in control. Who is to say this will be the case? The customer ultimately has the control of whether you will get tips or not. You seem to be in too fragile a state of mind to be able to play the game successfully and without being emotionally charged in the process. You’re sure to meet jerks who will look down on you and try to touch you because they will have alcohol, their buddies and you will be in a profession where you are being paid for being objectified.
(Before anyone says I’m looking down on strippers, I’m totally not. I think it takes a person with a thick skin to be in that profession and it is not for most people, is what I mean.)
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