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Is it ok for your partner/husband/boyfriend to still cherish other women?
Hello all,
I’ve got a sensitive issue with my partner and thought to pop up my thoughts and questions over here…in brief, though I do my best to please him sexually and intimacy wise with all my heart… I started pole dance classes too cause he loves strip clubs..I regularly record stripping videos for him too ..I’m like 12 yrs younger than him, fit and beautiful 🙂 🙂 in my eyes at least :), and I believe each person is as such… always sexting videos..pictures..or even hot spicy chat and so on, yet, all his interest still stays in strip clubs …I went with him few times to nude strip clubs thinking…well, let me see what these clubs are and be open minded…I end up tortured within me cause he looks like fully immersed in them while there ..forgets all about my presence especially that he told me not to touch him while there or be intimate, cause he doesnt like it, “yet how awkward it is that he used to pay the ladies to touch him” … and I would be in shock how he enjoys that with all what I do for him, they are only moving bodies about the pole with no fitness the way we learn over here and with no feelings while doing their show…I am not against strippers by any means cause some do excellent investment to do what they do for the guys and some who are a few do intense tricks and are truly truly sexy around the pole..but in my case, I wonder y a man would still wanna enjoy those strangers while he has smth better at home? This is my issue… I bought a pole for home and God knows how humiliating it feels to sit beside him for his self joy while in there, again, all out of the idea trying to be cool…not a time he would say for example, what I do is better and more intimate, “and honestly I know it is, if u asked me same question three yrs ago, i would probably cry and say I’m nothing ! and lucky them how they move! Now that I took the steps to discover myself and share myself and what I do with him, I know I am special and different and now I cry that even when I do things he like, his eyes are always outsude”…not to mention his porn addiction, despite my regular chatting that this cant continue, not to mention the premium prices he does for that, and oh no its not that he told me, i found out by coincidence and now we are in a hiding game loop, cause now that I know, he keeps finding a way to get around it, prepaid cards etc, and I ended up finding a way to get to know about it, which sucks, cause I didn’t marry him to get into this stupid checking out for him,smth he lead me to, cause I asked about this from the beginning and he promised and assured it all stopped, so its a trust issue now. I’m devastated cause now I look at myself with ugly eyes. I love him a lot. .not anymore though for now at least..I know he does too, cause he always tries to please me, but I guess he doesnt seem to realize that I hate liars “his continous denial to porn and I have all evidence that he’s a liar”..and his loud words that yes, i enjoy looking at stranger women. This lead many times to proceed in divorve and then we stay together and here I am here writing this asking for advice. We are now together in a holiday but writing this out of desperation cause i asked before we come for any ongoing memberships and he assured no, yet my heart always has instincts and I found out while we are here that he did new ones two weeks after a huge step for me wanting to apply for divorce from my side and I warned him enough..so what is he thinking?! Now I feel he thinjs I’m an idiot cause he will keep enjoying his porn and my words dont seem ti be taken seriously by him…I even went to strip clubs over here in our holiday causes again I would think to be open minded and maybe as we advance together and as i advance in my pole dance as stripping style/teasing/or tricks etc.,he’ll realize the bless he is in! But still, I dont hear from him that its time to stop….and yes i do seem ti live in contradiction ..its like im going with him over there and then I throw a tantrum about it, simply cause I would think he might wake up while in there when he realizes what he has … Strippers do excellent job for men who are deprived or have a rigid cold partner ..but why would that be for a married guy with a person like me going extra extra miles for his pleasure? And I keep thinking, well, if he didnt love me and cherish me inside out, why get married to me knowing that he was a free man sleeping all around with this and that? why tie the knot then! Still, loving me means also getting rid of old habits that he used to do as a single man, i told him many times you can’t keep all the gang in your life, its either me or your previous life full of prostitutes, porn, strip clubs etc… that was your past but dont drag it into our present and future “if any”..the only thing he changed is not sleeping around. .as far as a i know at least. .and btw .he’s in his late forties and its second marriage for both of us, I’m not dealing with a young boy here! Sorry I wrote a lot, but I just feel this is the only space I could express myself. I keep my issues secret from friends and family cause I believe that will make things worse. Any advice or experience no matter how hard it may seem, write it plz…. -
24 Replies
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KNZS, this probably isn’t the right forum to help you with your situation but I will stick my neck out as you seem upset.
From what I gather your man repeatedly continues to act in a way that hurts, confuses and humiliates you, despite you making your feelings very clear. You keep going the extra distance to please him and satisfy his desires, but you feel nothing is good enough. Probably anything you do will not match his need to watch porn, strippers etc and he will continue to hide this from you.
Unless he acknowledges that there is an issue in your relationship and maybe seeks some professional help for his addiction, it will be very difficult for you to feel the respect and love you deserve. I’m sorry to speak so plainly and hope that it doesn’t hurt you but I feel you know this deep down already.
Please seek some professional help from the correct organisation. Even if your partner doesn’t want to participate it may be beneficial for you to talk out your feelings to a third person and learn about creating healthy boundaries for yourself.
Much love. -
Thank you so much Adventures of Alice for your reply..yes deep inside me I know how disrespectful this is.. I appreciate your honesty..yes this forum may not be the best forum,but whoever is in this site knows the sensuality of the pole and may understand what it means to use the pole to please the significant other but the significant other still isnt satisfied. I have many times told him you need counseling and so do I but he refuses. You touched on a very critical matter for me, its setting boundaries for myself…I am angry from myself that I’m not doing that in the correct way..my warnings and very frank talk to him that this dual life doesnt work with me and will lead to divorce, doesn’t ring a bell in his mind…I am angry from myself that I’m not sure what to do, this whole holiday for example is to please “us” cause soon I’ll be busy and will start a job, but for me, what is the use if deep inside it seems whatever I do and whatevee we do isnt good enough and he knows how many times I told him I disgust a liar…for me, why sext him or bother pleasing him if his eyes will always be outside? ? He says each is different…I can’t accept this. .and my problem is again myself, if he is sooooo good on the outside, but from the inside does things which I dislike, and I get to know about it by coincidence “like him falling asleep while his private screen is on, or intentionally from whatever way I do to dig this out”, should I leave him? Or I am making a big deal here?
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I feel such a quality of a man, even if he has the whole porn girls of a certain website sitting in his bedroom, would still want to check out the whole other girls of another website…I cant compete with thousands of girls out there, neither with teens for example. .He grew up on this and I’m afraid I’m putting high expectations, but probably cause I’m afraid to leave for this..its like I feel I may have to believe that he will not change and I have to either leave him or live with a casual feeling of “oh its normal, yes I do him a lot, but its ok, let him have fun”.. and I think this last part is like myself crushing myself..unless again, I get convinced its a no big deal
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If you are made to feel sad or insecure within your relationship then I would say Yes it is a big deal.
It doesn’t really matter what other people do in their relationships or what is considered usual behaviour between a romantic couple. It is how you feel and your expectations of a respectful relationship that is important.
It is very hard for you and scary I’m sure to acknowledge your gut feelings regarding the situation. Heart and head saying different things to you. Usually it’s best to listen to your gut feeling, before the head and heart have had a chance to put their spin on things.
I really hope you manage to find a way to find a happier balance with your husband. I don’t feel I am qualified to comment further as I am no expert in these issues. I just wanted to support you and reinforce your worth and basic right for respect.
Take care of yourself. -
As Adventures of Alice said, I think you need to seek professional help for this. If your husband refuses to go, then please consider going by yourself. Personally it doesn’t bother me if my husband watches porn or goes to a strip club. But clearly it bothers you a lot. If you’ve told your husband this and he continues to do it and to lie about it, that’s a real relationship problem. If it is this painful for you, and he continues to ignore your feelings, then I don’t think it is unreasonable to consider divorce. Even if you end up getting a divorce, you might want to see a professional to help you work through the difficult experiences you’ve had in your marriage.
I hope that you are able to come to a place where you feel respected and at peace, with or without your husband.
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Hey there,
This one hit home pretty hard for me, not because of my current or past relationships… but because of my sister’s current relationship.
She’s constantly waiting for him to change, to get better, and to make good on the promises he makes to her. But, in the end it’s always the same and he doesn’t change, he doesn’t shift his stance, and he expects her to keep up her end of the relationship bargain, despite his not doing so.
I agree with Catmoves and Adventures of Alice- please seek professional help! You’re doing all of these things for him, you’re constantly trying to bring his gaze to you, when it’s obviously not coming… and you will wear yourself out soon.
You must have the time and trust with your partner to be able to do your stuff, on your time, and know that they will always come back to you.
Having these sorts of trust issues in a relationship can destroy it, and it can also make you feel crazy. Saying things like “I don’t want to ask too much of him” isn’t fair to you. You are putting out WAY more effort in order to try to have something happen that he already promised would happen without all of that effort. And he didn’t follow up. He’s lied to you, consistently.
Take care of YOU, and remember that you have to be at the top of the list in your life. -
Hi KNZS! I’m sorry to hear about this, it’s totally ok that you have come to this forum to ask for advice! xoxox
I will try to keep it short.
First, it’s NEVER ok to put yourself in a sexual situation that you know you’re not comfortable with for the sake of pleasing someone else….NEVER OK. Testing the waters to see how you feel about things is good, but it sounds like you’ve tried to be open about things and it doesn’t feel right for you and that’s OK! Telling you not to touch him in the strip club and actions of lying are not caring acts on his part.
Second, you need to talk with a professional. Not just to figure out what you need to do but to understand you’re good enough and worth respect! His actions are not a refection on your worth or beauty.
Third, Know that it’s normal for both men and women to enjoy watching porn, looking at others and even for some, being sexual, with more than one. THIS IS NOT RIGHT FOR EVERYONE, but it’s not dirty or bad IF all parties are consensual! It most certainly is a problem when someone in the relationship is HIDING, LYING or KNOWINGLY hurting you, that’s not ok! It’s also not good if you’re doing sexual things you’re not ok with, for him, in hopes that this will earn his love or respect.
Last, one of the MOST important things in any relationship is to COMMUNICATE! You both have to be willing to open up and be honest about desires, interests and feeling. Assuming or trying to please someone to earn love or respect will be detrimental to the relationship and to your mind and soul 🙁
((HUGS)) to you.
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Thank you everyone for your support and advice..thank you thank you thank you
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He has a problem much like an addiction to alcohol or drugs. Probably an addiction to porn, sex, whatever you would call it. You can’t fix that . He needs professional help . But he won’t change unless he wants to and works very hard with a professional. You should also seek professional help because his addict is greatly affecting your life and you are in a co- dependent situation. You may find that he doesn’t want help and you might need to leave this situation since it’s hurting you.
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Also, I would probably hate pole if I was doing it to please a partner who never seemed to be happy with what I do. This is damaging to you. That must be so hurtful to you. This is definitely not the reason to pole. You want to do it if it pleases you first and foremost. I’m so sorry you are going through this.
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I have been in the same situation with my very first relationship, I loved him so much..after being with him for a while he cheated and hitted on me. Long story short. I left him and I was with him for 9 years, we have 3 kids together.. He made me feel like I was nothing, like no one would want me..I have trust issues now…even still. Even if your husband stops you will always have trust issues with him..getting professional help will help you cope with the issues. If he don’t stop that Tell’s me he don’t care for your feeling’s. Its up to you if you leave or stay with him. I know how hard it is to leave but your worth so much more.
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Hi KNZS, I feel how painful this situation is for you and I am sorry you are going through this.
I agree with everything said here by the other members and would like to mention that the problem with the porn addiction is that the more he goes deeper in this direction, the higher the stimulation should be as the dopamine thresh hold is increased each time, thus seeking for more and more and he is never satisfied… It’s becoming a real brain chemistry problem…. Whatever you want to do to please him, I am afraid it will never be enough.
Being in this situation requires professional help and sometimes drastic measures to assert your boundaries, even if this means end of the marriage.
Thank you for sharing your situation. -
KNZS I hope you can feel the love and support being sent to you from around the world, via these messages x
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For everyone who replied to me..words are not strong enough to express the love you filled my heart with!…I thought I’ll be silly writing what I sent, and didnt expect such replies whether with advice or experience in such situation..all telling me “I’m not alone “….I surely started the whole pole for him…I went out of my comfort zone for him…and yes as Phoenix Hunter said..probably I should hate that its for him..but..I’m trying to be strong by having myself loving it even if he isnt much interested. ..I’m trying to teach myself that if I’m enjoying it then I should do it for my own self sake snd forget all about it ..sometimes it works..sometimes it doesnt:) … I’ll keep trying….honestly for me it became a trust and lying issue … its nice also to feel and think that your man looks at his the so called “his love” as the one and only…not as a tool when needed…I dont like being shared 🙂 …and as sunshine goddess said, this porn addiction means he needs higher and higher stimulation…smth I always try explaning to him..watching solo females too “his highest interest” means he loses out on the intimacy that I could provide him with and lowers my self esteem in a way 🙁 … I cant think myself enjoying a stranger man masturbating cause I have feelings for the man I have and I prefer seeing him..I cant either expect him to go blind cause I cant control him snd that’s not my intention, but I expect a limit and boundary and trust when we agree on something….i talked to him again last day and he was highly resistant that what he does is normal and he doesnt see where the problem is… including his lying promises…he didnt bother at all….and I was boiling cause not admitting the problem is a problem on its own! And instead says I have issues…I always tell him, if you say so! But this was part of our agreement when we got married, turned out you havent ever stopped soon after we got married! “Trust”..if you didn’t wanna stop then you had the option not to proceed with me…and I always tell him, try to convince me otherwise… if its membership from time to time or free watching, or benefiting both of us, or if I haven’t made this out clear that he has a time limit to straighten up… I’d say cooooool, its getting spicy in here lol..but noop, its making him awaaay from me…lastly, thank you all again for your support. ..its so wonderful that I was able to share this here..thank you Veena for this site:)
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Sorry you are having a tough time….as many of the ladies have already said it does sound like he has a porn addiction that will need professional help to work through- trouble is if he’s not willing to admit it’s a problem then he won’t get help, and as with any kind of addiction it’s only the addict themselves who can do the work, unfortunately you can’t do it for them, no matter how much you love them. Personally I would say the constant lies are really not OK as they destroy the trust in your relationship and you end up questioning everything which is so exhausting….I think telling you that you are the one with the problem is fairly classic behaviour when somebody isn’t ready to face their issues. Only you know what your limit for his behaviour is, but as others said strong boundaries are really important and not being afraid to really stand up for them-you deserve to be respected and treated with love.Wishing you all the best xx
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It sounds like your partner believes that this is OK even though you stated that you are not comfortable with this situation.
As Veena said, communication is important, that includes listening to each other and letting each other have a say.
I’m so sorry that you are having to go through this as it can be soul destroying.
Unfortunately, you just telling him that he shouldn’t be doing something will most likely end in him resenting you.
You don’t have to try to be cool about him going to a strip club because jealousy is completely normal.
If you do try to discuss your concerns with him, write everything down before your discussion and think of ways you can put it across to him without sounding like you are attacking him (I know it’s easier said than done).
As for pole dancing, learn to do it for yourself 🙂
I hope this helps and good luck with everything.
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I loved your idea of writing down my thoughts to be discussed as you suggested bformosa922163 ..without attacking or being judgemental even…also Lindz1980 I think I need to be stronger in showing my standing up for the boundaries that I want .. I’ll keep encouraging him to seek professional help..the only problem is honestly trusting him, cause if he changes his access information etc which so far he doesnt know that I know, and I ask him and he says I stopped, I only have his words, until smth falls off between my hands by coincidence in anyway..I hope he’ll agree to professional help, maybe I should go too to understand his behavior and know how to help him…and maybe then I could be advised how to believe for example that he will stop..cause when there’s a will there’s a way…he can always find ways to do it and I may never know..only his words will be my answer and his behavior… thank you all again 🙂 …
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I would have to say, from being in in a bad relationship and then getting married to my soul mate. There is a big difference. Your man should cherish you and only you… And even more so, each women deserves someone who truly loves and cares. Which means being sensitive to how another person feels. No women has to, or should sit idle as a second hand relationship. My heart hurts for you deeply.. As my husband would never go to a club or ever watch porn…. Not because I told him but because that is his conviction and his level of love for me. You really don’t deserve that. That’s just my opinion 😊 I agree that you should seek extra help…. And talk about it to them. If your man is unwilling to listen..
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It seems to me the porn and strip clubs may be a red herring for the real issue – lack of trust and respect.
In my mind you could be arguing about any other thing under the sun – how to raise kids, how to deal with nasty in-laws, use of alcohol or drugs, gambling, difference in religion, or whatever. You’ve drawn a hard personal boundary and told him, “Hey, this is as much as I’m willing to tolerate, and no more.” Meanwhile he has willingly and maliciously gone over that boundary again and again, with zero consideration for you! Zero respect for you as a person, and your thoughts/feelings/esteem are just minor inconveniences that get in the way of him living his life the way he wants.
“Is it OK for (partner) to cherish (other people)?” seems like the wrong question to ask, because there is no absolute answer that works for everyone. For two people who both answer it’s ok, if those two people get into a relationship with each other, then it’s all good! But in your case it is clear that you would answer “no” while your partner would answer “yes” to this question. A fundamental mismatch. Add to that the lack of respect, and you can see why you’re feeling used.
+1 to all the others who said seek professional help. Just wanted to add that we can only control our own behaviours and actions, not others’. The sooner you can divorce yourself from thinking “If I only did X then he may decide to do Y!” the less heartache and frustration you will experience.
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There have been some excellent suggestions made here so I won’t repeat the same advice.
One important thing to remember with any relationship however, is that the more one person gives, the less the other person has to. The other person may or may not take advantage of that, but the option becomes available.
The giver is then considered “codependent” and continues to give more with the hope that eventually their partner will realize how much they love them, and how much effort they’re putting in….that the tiny, random nuggets of assurance they receive from their partner become the normal. It is a form of psychological manipulation, whether done consciously or not.
It is very rare that the other partner wakes up and realizes how they have been taking the codependent partner for granted, sadly. But the best advice I could give beyond going into therapy (I think it is a given at this point, if not for both of you, then at least for you to find the root cause of your codependency), is to pull back and not be so willing to put him on a pedestal. Who is this exalted man that he deserves your utmost complacency, anyway?
He is just flesh and blood, imperfect like the rest of us. He may be your husband, and love him as such, but he is not being a very good partner to you right now, so why should you have to hold up the whole relationship on your own shoulders while he behaves like a little brat? He can help his urges, believe me. He needs to sort his problems out independent from your relationship, and you cannot force him to do that. All you can do is insist he treat you with respect, or leave you be until he can.
You can’t control him, you can only control you.
Best of luck.
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Oh and sort but one more thing to add!
Don’t compete with these other women…strippers, porn actresses etc for his affection! You’re his wife for crying out loud! Don’t disrespect yourself by thinking you have to be like them to get his attention!
Now if you have a healthy relationship and want to share some intimate things, that’s something else altogether. But it has to come from a place of SECURITY….not insecurity or fear of losing this bozo, which is where it seems to be rooted. Don’t reward him for being a jerk to you! 🙁
Again, best of luck!
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I read through this and I still am trying to process it all and come up with a proper response. I am having a hard time because this is a behavior that I just do not understand and cannot wrap my head around. Most of the time I can see others points of view and can give advice based on that but there is so much going on here that I just cannot process. Just know that I feel for you and if you were not married I would tell you to run.
I hope you find the strength that you need to find the peace that you crave.
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The bad news, he is not going to change, the good news is that pole is a great workout, and you have the power to leave this relationship if your needs are not being met, like respect, honesty, loyalty, etc. Plus all this money spent at the clubs should be used for a couple’s vacation or a house or condo down. You have a tough choice to make, either way, it will be hard.Good luck to you.
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Well is it normal yes (as long as they keep it in their mind). Is it right? Not really especially if he is really obvious about it and if he is doing it out in public or mixed company. I would maybe seek some counseling and find out what the issue is. Just as a fly on the wall I would say give him up. He’s not going to change and there are too many men out there that will find you beautiful and will only desire you. You did what you had to and it still didn’t work, so “Bye Dude.” You need to find that strength that all of us know you have and walk on, don’t look back. Even if he begs and pleads with you that he’ll change and that he loves you. That’s just to keep you there. Mean while he’ll continue.
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