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Anxiety about saying “No”
Am I the only one with this problem? I've always dealt with a lot of anxiety issues through out my life, and anyone who has ever suffered with this knows that it comes in episodes. For some time, I've been doing well but in the past few months I've hit another slump.
It's been brought to my attention that a lot of this anxiety is brought on by my reluctance to say "no". I always find myself agreeing to things that I don't want to do. And when I do finally muster up the strength to say "no", I deal with a whole lot of guilt. I always worry that I will disappoint someone or cause someone to think negatively of me and not want me around. I also find myself fearing that I am making the wrong decision.
Unfortunately, because of this issue I find myself constantly stressed out and stretched too thin. If someone asks me to do something and I don't have a great reason to say "no" I will squeeze it into my never-ending list of commitments. Then I end up with too much on my plate and not enough room for what I actually want to do for myself.
I just kind of needed a safe place to vent…
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6 Replies
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Inboxing you
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I have this problem, like you said, it comes and goes. Lately its been gone more frequently for longer because I have made myself a priority. It is not selfish. If I am not at my best, I am no good to anyone, even if I'm technically "there". I have to be my best self to be able to help and serve others. If I can't take on anymore, and I say yes, and end up doing a half assed job because of it, that person isn't helped by me at all, and I've found whereever I say no, there is almost always someone that steps up who CAN say yes. I definitely sometimes feel guilt and sometimes feel like I'm missing out on things (like when I had to say no to being a fire performer at a solstice festival because I'm going camping that weekend.) I would love to be able to be in two places at once. Its not easy to let go. But once you do its so nice. I have also found that since taking control of my life, and setting boundaries, people respect me more, not less. I have more positive people in my life and the users and people that would take advantage of my kindness have thinned out. I know you've probably read similar things, and like anything dealing with emotions/social interaction/guilt/etc, its easier said than done. I also think you CAN start small. Start by saying "no I can't make dinner tonight" you don't even have to have a reason or explain yourself. If someone wants an explanation, just tell them its not a good time for you, and that is utter truth whatever your alternative plans are, even if its just to have some rejuvenation time on the couch at home alone. You can eventually move up to the "No I won't join the PTA/Head up this project/coordinate this event". Do what you need to do in your life, and do not fear regret. Embrace acceptance. Good luck *hug*
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It's always legit to tell someone "no" because you already have too much on your plate. If you keep that in mind, you'll never be caught without a "good" reason to decline something.
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Dwiizie, thank you so much for your advice. Everything you say is very logical! It's funny because normally I'm the type to be sharing advice and always telling someone else to do what makes them happy. I think I struggle a lot with relationships with friends who don't respect me because they know that I will bend over backward to accommodate. I have been feeling a little upset about this issue lately too and after reading your post, it really does make sense that these two issues are closely intertwined. I am going to work on "starting small" as you suggested and hopefully the anxiety surrounding it will dissipate. Thanks again!
Kasanya, also a good point!
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Hey AriFerrari,
I so relate because I used to be like that too! Recovering people-pleaser here 🙂 Here's an analogy I read about somewhere… think of yourself as a chicken and your productivity as an egg… if the chicken tires out, it won't be able to produce eggs of great quality, or any eggs at all! So if you're spread too thin, you won't be able to help out people as much as if you took care of yourself and said 'no' when you had too much on your plate.
Also useful is the airplane analogy… In an airplane emergency, when the oxygen masks come down, the thing the crew advise you to do first is to put the oxygen mask on yourself… and then help the child next to you. If you try to help others first, you might pass out and end up being of help to no-one, thereby endangering everyone else as well. This analogy translates to real life too… if we don't take care of ourselves first and set some boundaries, then we won't be able to be as loving, caring and attentive as we could be to others.
Hope that helps, and congratulations on taking the steps to saying 'no'! We are here to support you.
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Thanks, Acrobat!
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