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Any tips for coping with a confidence crash
I’m not sure if it’s my time to quit the sport I love or I’m not fighting had enough to stay. I just know that I’m not feeling good about myself tonight. I’ve had a bad session (look, I know we all have them) but it’s been building a few weeks and tonite I just quietly snapped. I sat on the floor and watched. Yes watched. On the brink of tears. For an hour. I’m crap at the gymnastic end of pole, I mean I’m SHIT. I can’t shoulder mount flip, flag invert or do any form of handstand, headstand, elbow stand. I’m struggling to handspring, to get my legs up and put my head down because I’m scared. I can’t cartwheel up to brass monkey. And tonite it was all gymnastics, gymnastics, gymnastics. New trick, a twisted grip floor flip. Pole has brought me so much pleasure but tonite I hate it. Tonite has made me feel so bad about myself. Just for reference, the others got on with it. I just froze.
Not expecting replies but if you do, thank you. -
21 Replies
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Hey there!
It can be really frustrating to come up against your own challenges, head on and face-to-face, and feel like you aren’t up to the challenge. It can feel like a defeat, and further from that, many people start to tell themselves that they are failures, that they aren’t good enough. That they might as well give up. I hear a lot of this in your post.
So, my suggestion would be to take a step back and get some distance in your head about the issue. You are obviously feeling emotionally charged (not necessarily a bad thing) and passionate, but I also think you are defeating yourself before you even get there! Let yourself look at it from a different angle.
First off, you start out telling US that you’re not very good at the gymnastic end of pole; how many times have you said that to yourself? How many times have you judged yourself against others, and decided you came up short? How many times have you looked at one of those moves and decided you just aren’t good enough to even ATTEMPT it, even in it’s most basic form?
Next, well, I think you need a little perspective from those of us down here at the beginner level. I can’t really do an advanced plank without shaking. I can’t do a CAR, or a basic invert. Anything past that is well beyond me. And, while I would LOVE to be able to practice, practice, practice until my arms fell off… I’m dealing with a chronically injured shoulder and am BANNED from any kind of heavy lifting, including trying to pole dance. I’m not going to get any better at all, for a long time. And I’ve been this way, for a long time. So, if you can shoulder mount at all, then you are amazing to me. You are superwoman to me. You have achieved the impossible.
Finally, I think you are judging yourself against others, but only in a bad way. My suggestion is not to judge or compare at all: You are all on a different journey, and you have absolutely no idea how hard those other ladies might be working to do what they can on the pole, or what kinds of things they say to themselves. You have no idea what they think when they see you doing what you do best, and judging themselves against you! Which means that our journeys are unique and individual, incomparable. Judgement only means that we put ourselves down.
What you’re not saying is what you are good at. You probably don’t say it to yourself, because rarely do people do that at all. We’re told it’s bad, to be proud of yourself, because others might think it’s vain. But, who else is going to celebrate you, if you don’t? Wave your flag, girl. Even if that flag is completely grounded, wave the hell out of it. If that flag is the most graceful Gemini you ever did see, wave it till everyone knows about it. And look for other things you do well. Is it your beautiful feet? Your bendy back? Your transitions, or maybe a special move you love? Are you particularly good at spins?
Do you know?Get out there and celebrate what you are GOOD at. And, when you come across something you’re not good at, but want to be, work on it, slowly and in your own way. Learn about it. Find out what’s blocking you, be it fear, an injury, or something else. It’s a chance to go deeper, to trust more, to love yourself. It’s a chance to learn about you, and why you come to this challenge so often.
So keep going!
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One question…is it the gymnastics end of pole that made you fall in love w/ it in the first place? If so, one more question, why pole? I mean, if being a gymnast is necessary to achieve any satisfaction in pole then that is where you should start.
Not that anyone really cares about my opinion (unless they take offense to it, that is), but I don’t really like the gymnast style of pole. That’s okay, I appreciate it despite that. Most do not like my style of pole, and that’s also okay. I think there’s room for all styles of pole.
Other than that, if it’s got you down that you can’t satisfy yourself w/ your own style or abilities…well…no one else can make you feel better except you. You could have a thousand fans (Hell, I guarantee you already have more than I ever will), you could have a wall full of trophies, you could be told you’re awesome every single day. None of it makes a difference if you are dissatisfied w/ yourself. If you don’t love it, if it causes you nothing but pain, if the outcome can’t be done the way you require it to be then it isn’t worth doing.
Or…you could just be having a bad day and need to stop comparing. Remind yourself of how far you’ve come and why you started in the first place. Still, if there’s no love for it then you need to stop because it’s making you hate yourself. I don’t think you should quit, but maybe a refresh is in order. Sorry to hear you’re feeling so bad, we’re all our own worst critic at times. 🙁
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I’m assuming you’re talking about taking pole class? As mentioned, is there a reason you’re taking classes that focus on the gymnastics side, do you like it or is it just what they do? What brought you to pole in the first place? This aspect of pole is cool, but not for everyone and certainly not the only way to enjoy pole. Have you had a chance to read my Veena Method course, it might help you understand what kinds of expectations you should be placing on yourself. https://www.studioveena.com/methods/letter
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If pole generally give you pleasure, I wouldn’t quit after just one bad night. We’ve all been there; at least I know that I have been there. I also struggle with the gymnastics side of pole, but that is the side that I enjoy because it is such a challenge to me and I kind of suck at it. I know what it’s like to be presented with a move and freezing out of fear. It has happened to me on more than one occasion.
Take this for what it was: one bad night. If you notice that the bad nights start piling up, maybe consider a studio change or an instructor change. I know that if I didn’t have the wonderfully encouraging instructor I have I probably would not have lasted as long as I have.
Regarding comparing yourself to others, although this is a natural thing to do that everybody does, Runemist is right when she says that you don’t know what others are thinking when they look at you. I was recently told that someone in my class was inspired by my progress, which completely floored me, because I feel like I can barely do anything! So you don’t know what others think. The majority of the time people are just too busy critiquing themselves. You also don’t know how much time others spend practicing. Pole is hard! Especially the gymnastics side of pole. How many hours a day do you practice? To get really good at something like this especially with having no dance or gymnastics background takes many hours of practice, every day, not just going to class a couple of times a week. So maybe that will help put that in perspective.
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Thank you for taking time to reply. I fell in love with pole for the beautiful flow, for the lyrical choreo and yes the tricks, you know linking a Gemini to a butterfly To a flatline etc. I love strength moves and hope some day that I will brass monkey deadlift and handspring, but the flips, the handstands and the cartwheels scare me. Really scare me. I’m not interested in this end of pole at all though I seriously admire it. This is the style that most of the girls want and is taught. I’m the oddity in liking heels and choreo. There might in fact be only me. I had a terrible session yesterday and indeed have been having a hard time for a few weeks so I’m emotional and over invested and maybe I need to step back and give myself a breather. It feels like if I can’t crack the gymnastics that I’ll get left behind.
I really appreciate your replies. It is very kind and generous of you. -
Just wanted to add that my studio is fantastic and I might need to just sit down and talk with them about my fears 🙁
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It’s not a good feeling to sit out while others bust moves like it ain’t no thing. Still, your fear is telling you something. Maybe you shouldn’t exclude the possibility completely from the future, but instead have a different approach and outlook.
Maybe you need to break the moves down more, maybe there’s some key element missing from your at-home practice versus theirs, or maybe you just plain don’t like it and that’s okay. I would focus on getting the tricks I actually want and not allow the pressure of flips I admire (but could care less about) get me down. It’s surprisingly a great thing that we’re all different w/ a different style and skill-set. It doesn’t feel great, though, to be left out in a group session no matter what style or skill-set.
I don’t think you’re going to be left behind if you don’t like to cartwheel and flip, but I do hope your studio will listen to your concerns. Maybe they need someone like you to bring something new to the table or at least provide a challenge for them as instructors to help their student learn and be confident.
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Yeah that is true, it’s the feeling that I stand alone, that I’m the only one not comfortable, which got to me. And it took every ounce of my being to not grab my stuff and run. But I didn’t. I stayed, deeply uncomfortable as it was.
Thank you for your wise words. -
You’re not the only one who’s uncomfortable. It takes a lot of time and work to push past that. The danger of serious injury is possible for anyone, even in less flashy moves. I biffed it big time in one of my “comfort moves” because I got too cocky. Just because it looks effortless to somebody else doesn’t mean they’re not scared or doing it 100% all the time. Use your introspective position to your advantage and you may save somebody’s neck, possibly your own. It’s a good thing you don’t force into it.
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Girl on a Pole, I’ve felt that way too, about feeling I was the only one who felt uncomfortable. I don’t think it’s completely true, though. While I think that some people might find these moves less scary than I do they are probably still scared. I am just more scared.
What has helped me is ALWAYS having a spotter. I won’t attempt any type of upside-down move on my own. Also, make sure you have mats. I usually am the only one in the class using a mat, but it makes me more comfortable using one. I don’t care what other people might think about that because if I fall it will be my head that will be broken, not theirs. I’d rather be safe than sorry. So mats helps, having a spotter helps. I’d rather wait for a spotter to attempt a move than to attempt it alone and have a panic attack.
You’re definitely not the only one struggling with gymnastics-type moves.
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Girl on a pole, have you tried supplementing studio lessons with the lessons here? You’ll see greater progress if you’re able to refer back and watch. You’ll also find that working on all of the off pole training here is very helpful. 😊
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Hiiiiii
You should try talking to your teachers about it, and maybe they will allow you to work on something else while everyone is working on something that you are not comfortable with. Also suggest that they include some more dancing along with the tricks.
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There’s a few things I would suggest:
Speak to the girls in the class and try to rally some support for sexy pole or whatever it is you enjoy. In my experience lots of people would like to try it but are afraid to be the first to speak up.
Organise a Pole Jam. Learn some things from each other in a casual environment with no pressure to stick to the curriculum.
Practise at home. Explore other elements of pole that make you feel good. Perfect your basics and flow, both sides!
Consider dropping down a level. I have recently done this. I find there’s a bigger focus on choreography in the lower level. I don’t feel pressure to perform and can enjoy pole more.
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I spoke to my male teacher this morning (I have two teachers) and we are considering doing a private together so I can get over my fear of these moves. They sort of become part of the curriculum in the upper intermediate and advanced classes. He asked me this morning “what are you scared off” and my answer “breaking my neck and leaving my son without a mum.” I feel the same about inverted crucifix 🙁 He believes my body can do it and is strong enough but my mind is frozen. He’d start with basic tumbles and supported handstands. I think I could do a one on one.
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Yay! I’m so happy to hear your instructor is going to coach you through this and give you the extra attention this clearly deserves. I am sure you are strong enough, but there are some moves which we all need more guidance and spotting to build confidence. And some moves just never feel as good as others, but hopefully the fear will subside. I know I have my own share of nemesis moves. You got this, girl!
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