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Body negativity
I constantly hear women pin point the negative parts of their body and honestly I’ve probably done the same on occassion but when you hear it, it’s really disappointing and somewhat offensive.
By offensive, I mean women who are smaller than me and say things like ‘I used to be a size 16-18 and it was so disgusting’ and then others respond with ‘omg that’s huge’.
(I’m a size 16/18)I constantly try my best to make sure I focus on my best features rather than my bad features.
I understand that everyone has their own personal struggles with their body.
And yes I’ve had people also pin point my weight and most of the time, it’s been during my period when I’m most bloated and heaviest.
Its really disappointing to hear mainly women talk badly about themselves when they wouldn’t want anyone else talking badly about them.
‘treat yourself the way you want others to treat you’
Would love to know how others feel about this.
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7 Replies
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Hey there!
It can be really, really hard to hear everyone around you talk about this stuff, and not do it yourself. It’s a common problem, as we are social creatures, and we’re pretty smart, so not only do we mimic physical behaviours in order to fit in with the others around us, but also mental and emotional behaviours. It helps us all “fit together” so that we can get along.
However, since we’re not all in the wild and living in a tribal way anymore, we don’t necessarily have to participate in those behaviours- we can even go away and find other people who are more like the way we want to be, and fit with our own values. It’s scary, but it’s definitely beneficial.Dealing with your own negative self-talk is tough all on it’s own, and it’s hard to look at ourselves and think we are beautiful all the way through, and not judge or nitpick our bodies. It’s sort of built into a lot of our media, including television and those magazines you see at the side of cash registers. We hear it talked about by other people, and there are a lot of things twisted up in this problem (things like being told we need to be attractive for men, or that we are less valuable if we aren’t attractive, and even that our physical size is an indicator of how much we love and take care of ourselves, despite it being absolutely nothing to do with that).
When it comes to other people’s self-talk, though, that’s a whole different thing. I think about it this way: Ten percent of what we think is actually what comes out of our mouths. So, if you hear things like “I wish I could do this move, but my thighs are too big,” you’re only hearing 10% of what that person puts themselves through about those supposedly big thighs.
How are you supposed to compete with that kind of constant horrible inner influence?You’re not.
The way you talk to yourself can also change your filter. When someone says “Size 16/18 is disgusting” they are not saying that YOU are disgusting, they are stating their opinion, based on some kind of ridiculous generalization they’ve made about what that size looks like.
It’s like people around me saying “Oh, I used to be 200lbs but it was so horrible.” They aren’t saying *I* am horrible, they are saying that their account of being that weight was horrible, or that they expect ALL people to look and feel the way they did when they weigh 200lbs.
And it’s somewhat funny when I confront people about it. Now and then I’ll have to give my weight (for example, when I renewed my Driver’s licence), or I’ll be discussing it and wanting to make a point. I either ask them for their opinion (Usually somewhere between 130 and 160 pounds) or I’ll simply give it, and I get the old “Up and down” look, and they say, “What, really?”Yes, really. I weigh that much, I’m the fittest I’ve ever been, and I still wear a size 12. Probably gonna go up, too, because those pants can’t handle the incredible muscle I’ve made in my thighs and rear. I no longer wear knee-high socks, because they also can’t handle my muscles.
So, generally, don’t try to change someone else’s self-talk, because that’s a losing battle and will take far, far more effort than you can afford.
Change your own self-talk, and with it, your perspective of what people are actually saying. You can translate their words. Instead of “Omg that’s huge,” translate that into “I think of people that size in a sweeping generalization based on what society and the media tells me, as well as my own body type, and I’m going to agree with the person speaking so that we can all get along and validate the work and suffering we think we all have to go through in order to be considered attractive to society’s fucked up beliefs around beauty, even though men don’t actually subscribe to it, and I’m actually getting my information from biased sources.”
It’s easier than writing it all out, and it gets easier with practice. -
I never really thought about it that way but I definately understand that people can often say certain things to fit in.
Lately I’ve just been hearing it in the lunch room at work, but I never really get involved in those conversations.
I didnt know about the 10% thing either.
I used to be very negative about my body until I made the mirror my best friend.
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Thank you all for sharing as body image can be a very sensitive topic for many of us!! I have lost over 35 pounds in the last six months (mostly baby weight from my 18 month old) and I am at a “healthy” weight/BMI, however I still find myself honing in on what’s “wrong” with my body as opposed to focusing on the beautiful changes that it has gone through by committing to daily exercise – which includes poling a couple of days a week…I now repeat daily affirmations with the hopes that any negative feelings or self consciousness will be reduced. If I find myself thinking MAN, my arms are still kind of chubby..I try to follow it with, well thank God that I Have arms…seems to be working. 🙂 Side note: Runemist, is it strictly the poling building your legs and rear or are you on a weight training program as well?? Since I have lost the weight overall, I am trying to recompose my figure with weights and those are the areas that I want to really build!!
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@ MrsSass
I actually run, have been doing for nearly 2 years now, and it’s been fantastic for me (I had knee problems previously, was in chronic pain for half my life… and now my knees work, and I’m no longer in pain!), and has shown me a LOT of what I can do with my body, and how it works.
Unfortunately I’ve recently had a lot of shoulder and right arm issues, which have prevented me from poling the way I want to, as frequently as I want to.
I still do yoga, despite the issues, and have found it to be quite enlightening, too. I never used to trust my body, I would never have looked at the Downward Facing Dog and thought “I could do that.” In fact, I didn’t think I could do most of yoga! But, I was curious, and since running has boosted my self-esteem and helped me realize that I can do more than I think, so I decided to give it a go and really find out what I can do.
And wouldn’t you know it? I can do 3 Legged Dog, I can do a full side plank, I am seeing more flexibility in my hamstrings (poor things!) and other places. I’ve learned my body is capable of so much more than I thought! And I’m starting to see a bit more definition in the shoulders, arms, and core.I don’t consider “Weight” (as in, what the scale tells you) to be an indicator of health, nor do I find that BMI is in any way scientifically based. BMI has done nothing but tell me how “overweight” I am, even at my lightest, my healthiest (which is NOT my lightest, but in fact, my “heaviest”), and my happiest.
I always like to think about what my body is capable of!
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I am having right shoulder problems as well and can’t go IN the way that I would like to with my poling activities!!..It has been getting a bit better recently due to physical therapy, consistent massage and tiger balm, but it is definitely NOT 100%. I tried a chiropractor for the first time last week and it felt a bit better after my adjustment as well. They diagnosed the problem as an impingement, but I will know today based on the results of my MRI what the problem is specifically.
And you are right regarding the BMI standard; I def do not think that it is the best representation of an individual’s “proper weight” either. I look better (and rounder) ten pounds bigger than I am now however to lose my gut and chubby arms, I have to lose weight all over and that amount just happened to fall within the listed BMI range.
That’s great that you can run without pain, that must have been the worse!! I am the Cardio Queen and get my fix by getting an aerobics class in just about every day. I do understand that to build muscle, “I” will have to lay off of it a bit to really see results.
Here is hoping that both our shoulders get it together so we can do what we love to do at the level that we like to do it!! I am still new but I love it!
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Both my parents are very petite people, so when my sister and I hit puberty and didn’t stay petite like my parents it was really rough and yeah we got this really messed up view on our bodies instead of realizing that our bodies were fine. I was thicker than my sister, but it really came down to the fact that we weren’t active. Not our fault our parents were very lock and key, but all things considering we were in decent shape.Knowing that NOW. BACK THEN, we thought we were whales and it didn’t help that if we had 1 cookie my father would say, “You don’t need that you are already big as a house.” To defend my father he was not raised with girls there was a total of 7 children and ALL BOYS! So knowing how to be delicate with female feelings was foreign to him. So as soon as my sister got her first job we bought metabolife pills through the mail. My sister was 16 and I was 13, so we could have done some damage to ourselves. It wasn’t until my Junior year that I made Cheerleading and got active and the weight just melted off. Till this day I remember the look on my father’s face when not only he and boys my age noticed my toned physique, but his friends were hanging around the house more. Dropping by and what not.
Now I’m grown and I still have my body struggles especially since I stopped poling and gained all my weight back and then some. I’m 4’ll and I’m pushing 168, so if I express that it’s not because I’m being negative, it’s reality that I’m over weight, that’s not healthy. I’m not going to announce that to the world or fit it in a conversation unless you are my doctor or dietitian or my husband. I am at the heavies that I have ever been and no I don’t always feel sexy, but I do know that this is the only body that I’m going to have, so I have to treat it better. I learned from a manifesting councilor to say 3 things that I love about myself and it doesn’t always have to be physical. By doing that I don’t focus so much on the outside and I pay no mind to the negative things around me.
All I have to say is that for those that do have that struggle, it really does get better, you just have to be comfortable and happy at the size that you are at, at the moment. You can change it if you want, but be aware to the little people that may over hear you picking yourself apart because they may think that they have to do it too. Don’t weigh yourself every week do it like every 3 months other than that use how your clothes fit, how you feel in general, how’s your health that is a good indicator on what’s going on with your body. I have a friend that I had to put in her place because I made a Mediterranean chicken dish that was bacon wrapped and she said, “No Bacon, Bacon is bad for you; have you ever seen a skinny pig?” I let her know what was up real quick about wanting to criticize my food and what I make, when she’s not a hard body herself. She needed to keep that to herself Sometimes people are not aware of what they say and how it impacts others. I get the thigh comments because I do have larger thighs now and I can’t cross my legs anymore when I pole sit and I’m like dang really? I’m not down about it, but it is in the back of my mind; one of those things that makes me think, “I could a year ago what happened?” Some people are also just venting or just giving their honest perception on how they are feeling and if you overcame a milestone then share it with them if they don’t mind you over hearing their conversation. Sometimes your struggle can be someone’s inspiration.
RuPaul said it best, “If you don’t love yourself then Honey how is anyone else going to?”
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Cantetinza17 I know where you’re coming from. My dad was a personal trainer when I was growing, so I would get some remarks about my weight. My mum also had weight issues. Growing up, I wasnt particular big, but my sister is naturally thin and she doesn’t workout so that’s just her structure. A lot of the time, I think I was compared to her.
In high school, I remember getting one remark from a fellow high school student about my weight (even though I wasn’t big), but I wasn’t skinny either.
Unfortunately because I was very naive, I never really embraced my body. I was scared to wear a bikini or clothing that shaped my body.I got a lot of body negativity from my ex too. Things like ‘your body doesn’t really appeal to me’ even after I lost 10kg.
He constantly reminded me and told me he was embarrassed of me because when we went to his friends parties, he told me to go change into something more appropriate (because I decided to wear trackies to a house party).
I guess that still is stuck in my head and it replays constantly. I realised after that relationship that I shouldn’t need approval from a man, only approval from myself. Lucky enough though, I did find someone that constantly reminds me how sexy I am,even when others have told him that I’m a bit on the chubby side.
I guess the only way for me to have gotten to a point where I can be confident with my body, is to have gone through the body negativity.
Just like you said, some things just need to stay in your mind rather than spoken out loud.
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