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Can’t help comparing and feeling bad :(
So I know that pole is supposed to be empowering, and it so is… But I can’t help but feel very inadequate in comparison to my pole buddy.
We started on this whole pole adventure together at the start of this year as a fun way to get fit but in the short space of time that we’ve been taking classes together she has progressed at this amazing speed and I’m just getting left behind.
Like, she is so natural that she inverted on her very first attempt while I took 3 weeks of practice to even get my feet to touch the pole above my head. Meanwhile, her invert is beautiful and effortless and she’s now working on the Gemini.
I don’t have the strength to hold myself with the right posture for a chair spin yet amazingly, she can swing her legs around mid-air as if she’s really just relaxing on an actual chair! I can see her confidence soaring every week and the instructors love her for it and they all know her now. Some of them even invite her to join in to classes that we’re not enrolled in cos they love teaching her. I know its only natural for everyone to like her, but it just makes me feel like a nobody, like I shouldn’t even be there and just go home and leave the pole dancing to the ones who can do it well.
The most embarrassing part is that I’ve been doing yoga for more than a year while she hasn’t exercised for a couple of years but I’m the one getting totally winded. I’m actually starting to feel embarrassed to be seen with her at the studio and for that matter, I just feel embarrassed being at the studio at all. I practice an extra day a week there on my own just to keep up with the class, and the instructors have never approached me when I’m on my own. Then when we go for class, the instructors will spot and encourage her just as they walk past.
Like I said, it’s totally understandable for people to be drawn to a confident, great dancer. It’s not like they’re deliberately playing favorites either. But it does suck to be me right now.
And I know, I know that I shouldn’t compare myself against her. But with the way things are at the studio, it’s glaringly obvious. Don’t even get me wrong, my pole buddy herself has been nothing but encouraging and sweet. But she just can’t understand how it feels and when I see her rush of confidence it actually makes mine shrink.
It even makes me feel stupid for wanting to get a pole at home. Like, if I suck so much why am I the one buying a pole when she’s so awesome and she can get by at the studio?
I’ve been holding this in for a while now trying not to let it bother me, but I’m just reaching breaking point and I really don’t have anyone to talk to who can relate to this.
At this point, I don’t even know if I can handle going for class next week. I feel like just quietly dropping out and making up some excuse like I have an injury. -
37 Replies
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Never ever compare your progress to someone else. There will always be someone "better". I also know its so hard not to do! I have done this many times and it ALWAYS ends up making me really depressed. Some ppl will find physical things like pole dance or step aerobics class easier than others. We all have different strengths. I totally SUCK at math and it takes me forever to learn something book wise. My memory is awful. Not everyone will be a pole trickster, not everyone will be extremely flexible.
Do something because YOU love it and it makes you feel good. If you can't get away from comparing yourself maybe a home pole would be a good idea for awhile. It would give you a chance to focus on just you. I suggest recording, taking pic or writing down your practices so you can look back and see that you really have improved. It can be hard to notice improvements unless we track them. The only one you need to worry about "out doing" is you. https://www.studioveena.com/img/smilies/icon_heart1.gif Now lets see if I can take my own advice. LOL
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On top of what Veena has said, I would talk to the studio owner. It is your money that you are spending and if you do not feel like you are being properly taught or they are not spending enough time with you the owner needs to know this.
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I'm sorry you feel that way! That does suck, and it is hard not to compare. It would be a tragedy though if you let it stop you from poling. I really admire people who do things purely for the love of the activity, whether they naturally excell at it or not. And I think it will mean more to you in the end because you have had to really work for every trick. You have every right to enjoy pole dance as much as your friend does. And don't feel silly for wanting to get a pole at home. I think it just shows how dedicated you are. Plus, if you did get a pole at home I think you'd be surprised at your progression. You'd be able to hone in on the tricks you struggle with and focus on your own strengths. Do as Veena says and track your progress by recording yourself. It's SO helpful. Then maybe share your successes with us 🙂 DON'T STOP POLING
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I can completely understand your frustration…I had a friend like that, she was far more fit than I ever have been. After a couple of years, she's gotten the shoulder mount, and I'm…still learning to invert. Still.
However, I want to say this: People progress differently, and I know this to be an absolute fact. Certain people will respond the way your friend (and my friend) did on the pole, which is that their body will increase strength and jump right in. Other people, such as myself, have to be very careful, and if I drop it for a bit, I'm back to square one…and often, it makes me feel like I have a "lazy body," or something.
But at this point, my pole journey is all about ME, and I don't want to compare anymore. I love sharing pole with other people, and picking their brains about their experiences and their trials with different moves, but in the end, it's all just information from the future, really. Most of the moves I ask about are ones I cannot yet do. And, once I get there…I'll have the information to use!
I think getting your own pole would be wonderful, because, as Veena said, it allows you to focus on just you! No one else is there if you don't want them to be, and you can take your time and play with the moves. I know that, when I was taking proper studio lessons, the people who progressed well with the DANCING part of things were those who did it at home!
And, also as Veena said, everyone has different strengths. I am far and beyond better at writing and creating scenes and feelings through writing, rather than dancing! It took me years (about 11, now!) to hone my writing skills, and I'm still doing it. Pole is similar; it will take you years, and you'll still learn new things! It's like…learning martial arts. There is ALWAYS something to be learning!
And, if your instructors are not giving you the attention they are giving others, I would talk to them about that, privately. Let them know your feelings, because you pay for the class, too.
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Everyone struggles with this to some extent, even your friend whom you see as being a natural and picking up on everything so quickly. I don't know either of you, but I guarantee that there is SOMETHING that you do better than her, and at some point in time she has felt the same way either towards you or someone else.
Maybe it's math, writing, fashion sense, art, acting, flexibility, or the ability to think "outside the box", it could be anything. My point is no one is the best at everything, and when it comes to physical activity everyone's body is different and will respond differently. For example, I think I'm pretty strong (especially since I've been poling) and have been doing yoga for a long time but like you I get winded very quickly. It's because I have no STAMINA, it's not because I'm not or will never be a good poler. For me it's a health condition that I have no control over, and never will. I am not only asthmatic but I also have a minor heart murmur (essentially it means that one of the valves in my heart doesn't seal properly and leaks). This is just something I have to accept and make the most out of, if I let myself believe that I couldn't do this and had never tried, I would have missed out on the greatest 21 months of my life. I also plan on poling for the rest of my healthy adult years whether or not I ever learn another trick, or gain more stamina. I do it for me, because I love it, and I love the way it makes me feel. You should do it just for you too.
Please don't let it stop you from poling, but more importantly don't let it stop you from doing anything you want to do in life. Make it your own personal journey, celebrate YOUR successes no matter how small they may seem, take photos or video. Like others have said, you can really see the improvements you've made even when you don't always feel them.
Just keep thinking "Hooray for invert" https://www.studioveena.com/img/smilies/icon_cheers.gif https://www.studioveena.com/img/smilies/icon_cheers.gif https://www.studioveena.com/img/smilies/icon_cheers.gif and visualize!
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Don't feel bad!! Just be happy that you are making progress too! I've been poling for about 1 1/2 now and I'm just learning the gemini! On the other hand I have a friend who has come over to pole twice now….the FIRST TRY she nails the invert, gemini and CKR. Second time she came over she nailed the superman, shoulder mount, catapillar, and flat line scorpio…like WTF I've been trying these moves FOREVER!! Haha…you'll get there, and when you do it won't matter how fast your friend did!
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The beautiful thing about pole dancing for me is that even though it comes more naturally to some people, girls like us (who need to work at it a bit more) can still learn to do what others do at higher levels. It's not something like singing where you have to be born that way. For us its just a matter of time and practise to get there. Sure, we go at a different pace but we can still reach our goals 🙂
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I second and third what everyone else said, especially the GET YOUR OWN POLE message! You won't regret it!!! I know exactly how you feel! I have a friend who poles like it is her natural element and I used to get all :(, but then I discovered I could do some tricks she could'nt :O! I showed her how to do them, then she showed me some tips and suddenly I was all :). You never know.
Having your own pole will allow you to uncover your strengths and play to them and, better yet, ENJOY them! Definitley demand help from your instructors. Don't be shy about it–they're working for YOU and they may not be aware that you're struggling. Also, if you pole by yourself, you'll figure out what exactly is problematic for you and you can ask more specific questions of them which will, in turn, help them to help you more efficiently. Chin up, sweetie, you're not alone!
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I totally understand how you feel because I've been there. When I was in high school, I did Irish dance with my best friend (I got her into it originally). The thing about it, though, was that we were literally competing against each other – to advance to the next level, you had to earn it by entering a competition and dancing better than all the other girls, and only the top couple dancers would be able to advance to compete in a higher level. In other words, you could learn "Advanced Beginner" level steps, but you couldn't call yourself an Advanced Beginner technically if you didn't place in competition. Anyway, it came to a point where she improved faster (despite hardly ever practicing) and got into a higher level, and I became so frustrated because I was constantly stuck below her that I stopped enjoying it for a long time before I eventually quit. I came to dread the class (despite being in different levels we continued to be taught in the same dance class) and after a while I gave it up because going had become unhealthy. On top of all that, despite not taking my frustration out on my best friend, we grew apart for various reasons and our friendship became strained.
There are several things I wish I could have changed about the whole ordeal, but now, I feel like pole dancing more than fills the void I felt after quitting Irish dance – plus, I can now do things that would amaze my high school friend if she saw them (and I'm stronger and more muscular than she is now too!). I'd like to think I'm more mature now and don't get jealous as easily as I used to, but unfortunately I think that would be a lie. We can't help what we feel, but we can help how we handle the situation. I have a very good friend who gave me the info that got me into pole, but when I decided to start taking pole classes and she didn't think it was for her, I didn't push her into doing it anyway – I knew better from experience and (maybe selfishly) didn't want to end up feeling sorry I'd made her try the class if she turned out to be a lot better than me. For some reason, it's a lot easier to be supportive of someone you don't know than a close friend, especially if you start at the same level…
I would say that getting a pole at home is the best thing you can do for yourself. And while you're at it, if you're inverting then a pole mat is also a great investment. You'll find that the safer you feel learning new moves, the faster you'll improve. And what's great about poling at home is that you can look totally goofy and ungraceful and no one will be there to judge you or one-up you. Plus, at home you can take pictures and video of yourself dancing and practicing moves, which is both a wonderful learning tool for the moves you're working on and a great confidence booster for the moves you rock at!
I might be a hypocrite by saying that you shouldn't quit pole dance, but Veena has such awesome lessons on here (better than most DVD's you can buy!) that poling at home should only help your confidence and boost your skill. So best of luck and keep on poling! 🙂
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I agree with everyone, I don't have much to add but I just wanted to lend my support to you 🙂 Know how rubbish it can make you feel when you can't help but compare yourself against someone – I'm doing that right now, I get really jealous and upset when I have to compete against trained dancers/ballerinas/gymnasts, I feel like a right rookie. But shrug it off, stick to your strengths, you'll get there! :)))
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I have been stuck on stuff for ages wishing I was still getting through the course levels where I go, but after a few injuries I am just going my own pace and working on strength and flexibility off the pole (when I find the time):$
I try not to think about all the amazing dancers out there (I keep getting loads come up in 'you may know' on Facebook) who can tie themselves in knots with their legs behind their head! They are inspirational but I just don't want to compare myself!!
Anyway a few people I had met at classes got a bit fed up and dropped out and I miss them! They were doing so well. You know when you can see they are so close and have pretty much got it, but they are just not seeing their own improvement. Make sure you put on music you love and do all the moves you can do and enjoy it. Without even noticing you will be building up the strength needed for the next move.
Most courses seem to progress really well and looking back I can really see how one move builds you up for the next
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Before quitting a studio, I am with poleophile on talking to your instructor first they are there for you. As much as you might see yourself struggling compared to other girls she probably sees you as progressing quite normally.
As for advancing, It is natural to feel jealous and envy, but remember to step back and realize their advancement is not a reflection on you, what you have been doing, or where you will end up. I was one to always quit something when things got rough but not with pole dancing. My two girlfriends and I all started around the same time. The one was inverting way before me, brittney and the other had a much better flow, stacy. guess who is the only one still poling? Me. They both quit when it got hard for them.
Poling by yourself is a wonderful thing! The first few unguided practices can be awkward but after awhile it really allow you to be free with it.
The ladies give great advice!
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PS I agree with the other ladies 3 weeks! That is awesome it took me close to three months and it was not pretty.
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My first pole buddy got the invert within a few weeks, shoulder mount in a month or so, and handspring within 6 months.
It took me 10 months to get an invert, 2.5 years to get a shoulder mount and I'm STILL working on that handspring after 3 years!
We started together too. But your body is not the same as your friend's. There is no point comparing to her.
Just keep trying, and enjoying every step along the way.
I may be lightyears behind the most of my pole friends, but they all say I do the prettiest spins and transitions. I was never a good dancer before, never graceful or flowy. But now I am, because I was stuck on the ground SOO so long, and didn't have the OPTION of doing anything but spins for ages!
And it paid off, apparently!
So, like the other girls said, be kind to yourself. Look at what you're good at and how much you have improved since your first lesson.
It's good to be inspired and guided by better, stronger pole dancers than yourself. But you shouldn't COMPARE yourself to them unrealistically. If they're stronger or more flexible to start with, then lucky them! You'll have to a work a bit harder, but you can do it too!
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First, i want to say that i agree with everything everyone else has said.. especially about getting your own pole & talking to the studio. Second, i want to mention how easy it is to forget why we started pole dancing in the 1st place.. to get a good workout while having fun, and to feel better about ourselves with our OWN accomplishments!
I explain this to my students on their very first day in class.. and they all agree then, & argue that they'd never compare themselves or feel envious of others.. they insist that they only care about their own accomplishments. However, a couple months later, that is hardley the case. Many, many polers feel exactly like you do, even the ones who progress faster than the others, & i want to give you an example.
I have 2 students who started at about the same time. Student A was a professional athlete, student B had never exercised before in her life. Student A would only come to class 1-2 times a week, whereas student B would come to class at least 4 times a week, plus attended all the strengthening classes and open play hours. Even so, student A (the athlete who didn't come so often) progressed much much quicker. She was lifting into inverts & doing all the basic inverted poses, while student B was still struggling to climb despite so much more effort.
Fast forward a few months later: Of course student A can still do more tricks than student B, but there are now a couple moves that student B can do, but student A can't, so now she's the one feeling envious. She finds it difficult to accept the fact that someone who had no athletic experience and is still much weaker than her, can do these moves that she still can't get the hang of. Also, student A got a pole for her home, whereas student B didn't. Her fast progression has led her to a couple minor injuries.. she has a strained bicep and feels pain in her elbows, which now are preventing her from any further progression for a while (of course i have taken measures to deal with this.. urging her to rest & see her doctor before continuing).
And last but not least, student A complains that she can't get through a whole song of freestyling.. all her moves are hit or miss, and she is constantly slipping throughout her dance, even with spins. Student B on the otherhand, who progressed at a much slower, but steady rate, can now dance to a full song – even if she can do less tricks- but she'll nail the moves she puts in her dance, because she has learned them well.
Point of this story- learning fast does not always in our best interest! and even those who do learn fast, can at some point be envious of those who progress at a slower rate! And pole dance isn't just about the tricks.. being able to incorporate a couple of basic tricks in a full dance can be much more fulfilling than knowing a bunch of tricks that you can't even use in a dance because you don't have them 100%.
I too sometimes feel envious of some of my students who are picking up on things way faster than i did. But then i remember my own accomplishments, and what MY individual strengths are. I've come to notice that each pole student is special in her own unique way.. some are fast at learning tricks, others are more passionate in their dance.. i just want to have fun while i get my workout & express myself through dance. SO WHAT if my students become better than me or learn faster.. i'm proud to know that i can do so much more today than i could before, & that i have found a way to release stress & feel better about me.
Please don't stop poling just because of this.. just focus on YOU and your personal goals.
Sorry i didn't mean for this to be so long.. just want you to know that almost all of us feel what you're feeling at some point or another. I hope you feel better soon.. please keep us updated!
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