-
Can’t help comparing and feeling bad :(
-
I was glad to see this post actually. I thought I was wierd. I have been suffering from this terribly lately. I can not help but look at how my friends do. How do you not do that? I told my husband that I wish I fely happy when my friends got stuff, but lately, I feel jelous or something; and I know that it is so wrong to feel like that. I have been so down on myself lately and feel like I really do suck and have had thoughts of taking down my pole for good and selling it. I did not go to that extent yet. I am all self taught and I really picked up on things so fast. Now that I am getting to really hard moves like the Cartwheel and Handspring mount and can not do them, I feel like I failed at life or something. LOL! My friend who was learning things right behind me has now taken off and has a few moves over me. I am stuck. I am still saving for Veena's lessons because every time I think I can get them, some other bill comes along…ugh. But really, I am glad to know that maybe there are more women who feel that way. I love my friends and they look so good when they pole and I am happy for them. I just wish that little thing in me saying I suck when they do new moves would go away!!!!! So, am trying to work on myself. Trying to feel better about myself in general and work on my pole progress. I was poling A LOT with people. I have decided maybe doing that ALL the time, for now, is not good. I have had a couple alone sessions. I really did not feel that good about my first session. I posted it on here last night. I am going to keep going though. I love it. I honestly think when you feel like this, it is deeper than just pole. I know it is. We ALL are a little insecure about something. That is normal. Some of us have had things happen in life to make us a little more insecure though and I am one of them. I want to be happy for my friends and myself; and I think I can! I am just starting my journey to trying . It is hard not to compare though. Happy poling everyone. Poling is supposed to be a happy thing, so try to feel good about ANY progress, even if it is not a list of new moves. Any progress is progress. : )
-
you have gotten LOTS of great advice here and I just wanted to say I too understand! Poling does NOT come easily to me and I can be terribly self conscious, I have never been athletic before. BUT, I love this!!! It isn't easy and there are prob. more reasons to quit than to carry on, but the reasons to keep at it are worth it! If you love it, do it! If its making you miserable, its just fine to take a brake too. 🙂
-
I would just like to second those girls who have said that they are not naturals but have found their own strengths. It took me literally months to get an invert – it so didn;t come naturally to me, and there have been other moves that have driven me almost to tears. I have no dance background and almost without exception the girls in my recent classes have been tiny graceful dancy things. However, I have boxed on, and now there are a few moves – strength hold moves that are easier for me and not so for the other girls in my class. I am working more on these moves that I am good at and enjoy and although trying to slowly master some of the other moves I find more difficult I am now enjoying the fact that there are types of pole moves that I can do better than others. You will find your strength and your own flavour on the pole. I know it is hard when you have a friend that is better – luckily the other girls in my class are heaps younger than me, so in my mind I could use the fact that I was a bit older to stop me comparing – not using that as an excuse – just a reason – but now I am feeling better and better about the pole. It's a really difficult sport – a great way to feel better is invite one of your non-pole friends to have a go with you – they'll be lousy and you'll look great!!
-
As an ex-gymnast, I was something of a natural when I first started learning to pole, and believe me, there is always someone better. I look at Blondebird's incredible strength, and I just want to give up and go home.
I work as a speech therapist and I have a theory that "Eventually everyone hits a wall". I based this theory on academics – some people hit the wall early on like learning to read, others not until they go to grad school and struggle with reading academic texts. The difference is, the person who hits the wall early on gains the tools to work thorugh the difficulty and find a solution which makes it easy to overcome any future difficulties (or at least they will after they see mee :p) The person who has an easy time up until grad school finds themselves struggling, and has nothing because they never had the opportunity to learn what to do when academics gets tough. And I think it's the same with pole. You're just getting the hitting-a-wall stage over and done with early.
Some people hit a wall early on, whether it's with inverts, or even hanging off the pole. But, while they are working on that sort of thing, they are also learning perfect technique (because their technique will need to be perfect to finally get the skill), they are becoming stronger, more fluid and more aware of their bodies faster by repeating the action over and over again, and they are gaining the mental ability to persevere when things get tough.
Meanwhile the person who gets the skill quickly doesn't get to learn any of these things, but instead more skills. But trust me, that person will hit a wall sooner or later (Probably. If you never did, I don't want to hear it). Like for me, I blazed through lots of the early stuff, but then I started getting injured and started struggling with some previously accquired moves. See, my gymnastics training meant I already had a fair idea of how to do a lot of moves – a basic invert is very similar to a pull-around for instance. So I just applied the gymnastic knowledge to the pole.
But, that means my pole technique wasn't 100% perfect. And I had to go back and relearn skills with perfect technique just to fix up my lines and prevent injury. So I can't learn an allegra yet because it bruises my thigh too much, because I haven't toughened it up, because my body was in the wrong position in a scorpio, but to get a better position for a scorpio I have to change the way I do my chopper. And because I've done everything the wrong way so many times, it's harder to relearn it all. Plus, too much of my enjoyment was based on ticking off new skills, so I've had to go back to learning to just have fun again.
But I'm going to work through it, and hopefully in the distant future when I'm having trouble with a Flying K or something equally ridiculously hard I'll find it easier to persevere.
Hopefully, once you finally get the hang of the basics, you will find it easier to keep learning because you'll have had the correct technique from the start. And hopefully be less injury prone, because all the not-so-sucessful attempts will have built your strength. And, when you do come across difficult skills in the future, you will have worked out a way to get through it mentally as well.
Good luck climbing the wall, and most likely all the other walls in your way will be much smaller thanks to all the work you're putting in now.
-
I agree with everything written and I know exactly how you feel. I often compare myself with other, more in the past than now, and even though it is hard no to it leads to nothing good.
Just try to remember that you do this for you, not for anyone else. A pole at home is the best thing you can do, then you can practise and play around without anyone else to compare yourself to. And going to the studio to practise inbetween classes is great! And don't feel bad because the teachers don't approach you, they never approach me at my studio either 😛
Maybe taking a different class than your friend would help too…
Don't give up, one day you will nail the invert and the pride you feel when you do it is priceless.
-
Don't feel bad. We all feel like you do sometimes. I also had a pole buddy, we went a long way together and I stop feeling like you do when I realized I did pole tricks that she wouldn't do, and for me they were easy, for her not quite 🙁 My point is, we all have skills that are better, and we all have some things we would like to improve, so let's focus on that, and never mind what your pole buddy does, focus what YOU have already improved ! We are all here for you, hun :))
-
Not by chance, I steped on Lira's blog:
She wonderfully explains it all 🙂
-
I agree with Cinara-
So many times I've seen people rocket off in the beginning and then they hit a wall.
Its not about how quickly you get going, its about the persistence and training. Sometimes when its so easy in the beginning, when you hit a snag, you are tempted to quit.
Here's a mini story that taught me a lot about practice. I know a painter who sells his work for quite a bit of money right now. He told us in class that when he started in art school, there was a buddy of his who was naturally talented. He didn't apply himself as much as he could have and eventually everyone surpassed him. My art teacher became the breakout graduate when the program ended. Not the guy with the natural talent who never built up his routine and endurance.
Its awesome that your friend has found something she's so good at but in no way should it discourage you. I too am very strong and am great with grips and lifts but my flexibility is seriously lagging. There's always something that comes more easily and something that requires rigorous training.
Its so hard not to compare yourself to others, I do it all the time.
Check out this link:
http://www.blogher.com/own-your-beauty-12-tips-letting-go-perfectionism-brene-brown
Maybe you should get a pole at home so you can relax more when you dance. I love having my pole for goofing off and not having to worry whether other people are watching me.
-
I agree with Pipa…. I have a pole buddy and we play well of each other….when she learns something quicker than me I take advantage of it and make her do it OVER AND OVER AND OVER so I can learn lol…maybe you can talk to your pole buddy and start working out together one on one….or find someone who you feel more compatible with for pole….everyone has given great advice here…Keep your chin up and think back…..the first time you saw someone do the things you now think of as "EASY"….bet you where in shock and awe the first time you saw them do a basic fireman!! I know I was lol!!!
-
You know ladies, your encouragement just made all the difference! I meant it about just quietly giving up and brushing off pole as something that’s not for me, despite having gushed about how much I love it to all my friends.
I didn’t realize how bad I felt until i started writing this thread yesterday and started crying. Gosh! I do think it goes deeper than just pole.. It’s a big combi of my deep insecurities and fears. For the longest time, I felt too ashamed to even look at myself in the mirror while dancing, and thanks to this forum I know I’m not alone on that one either.
So it’s a huuuuuuuge comfort knowing that so many others have also felt disempowered too, it even seems like it’s part of the pole journey in general.
Looks like I’ll be getting my own pole at home once I can afford it! Veena is so clear in her lessons and she can break down the moves so it’s easy to understand. While my instructors are great at the studio, they are more performance focused since most of them were pro dancers or gymnasts. I’ve never heard them talk about muscle groups and points of contact the way she does.
And I do think I need to move at a much slower and steadier pace. I actually feel like I’m injuring myself a different way from keeping up with the choreography.
So I’m gonna hang in there for now and maybe take a break and just practice when this term is done.
I really appreciate everything that each of you has said. And any time I feel crappy again, I’m gonna re-read all your comments here again! 😀
-
This reminds me of a lot of the old threads when I was over at S Factor. One thing I loved about them was that there were no mirrors and no comparisons. It was about the dance and just getting comfortable in YOUR body. This is probably the #1 thing that any pole dancer has to conquer. There is usually a LOT of baggage that comes with us not liking what they see in the mirror and be that as it may, pole really makes us have to deal with wearing booty shorts and sports bras. While we are coming to grips with this we are also dealing with letting go of that baggage and many times that brings not ony frustration but also tears. But we come out the other end a more confident woman and one who can say "who cares about the pooch or the scars or the stretch marks or the you name it".
I challenge you to stop trying for the tricks and concentrate on dance and floor work. There are so many performers that can nail trick after but look so completely awkward in between those tricks. I also know a girl who does not throw any "tricks" and watching her move is inspiring.
I will leave this with my favorite poem (with bolded sections for this particular thread). It really is one to live by. Desiderata:
Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy. -
Chem: That is such a beautiful poem! : ) Thankyou for posting it. It made me smile which I have not done here lately…
-
I'm a slow learner with a lot of moves and it's so great to hear everyone come out of the woodwork! I'm not a failure for not getting the handspring yet(it's been a few months)! I'm not a failure for taking months to invert! Mostly I'm not a failure because I keep trying even when it feels impossible. Well, at least that's what I tell myself every time I get down about new moves.
I had the exact same problem that so many girls had. I started taking classes with a good friend of mine who happened to have been on the Quebec provincial gymnastics game. Meaning she's incredibly strong, flexible, and has an incredible lack of fear when throwing her body up in the air. When I started I had legs that could crack walnuts, but the upper body stength of a malnourished child who regularily was locked in a basement. She was doing insane advanced move(got the shoulder mount on her first try!), and I was desperately trying to invert.
When this happens in school, dance, whatever, I try to remember that they feel the same way about me. Like how a spider's more afraid of you than you are? For example, my friend who can rock the pole can't remember choreography to save her life. Never could. She told me it was something she wished she could do like me, and it was a huge ego boost! Every girl I know has that self-critical streak and if you talk to your friends, I guarantee they are crazy jealous about something you do weather it's mad make up skills, a killer body, a way with the boys, crazy cooking skills, there's always something!
-
I think the key to help pull you out of your funk is to find that one thing about poling you are great at. for me i know i have no strength at all but i know my dancing and floor work is awesome. As veena and so many others have said "when did we take the dancing out of pole dancing" let go and let your alter ego shine through.
-
It's really easy to give the advice, "Don't compare yourself to others" But it can be hard not to do it. I really found the posts about the value of learning things slowly reassuring and truthful.
Unfortunately, I am not in a position to pole yet, although the interest is there. But, like others, I can really relate.
My other passion is climbing. It did not come naturally to me. Moves that some people learned intuitively, I had to learn consciously, and practice over and over to get the muscle memory. Enjoy the practice. Because I learned how to break down moves, and then wire them in my body, even if I get to a fearful place where I could freeze, I have the ability to break down the steps and move on. Someone who relies on intuitive movement could get in a fearful place, tense up, and then not have access to their bodies intuitive sense of movement, andIf they haven't learned how to break down a movement they are at a disadvantage.
I also experenced frustration with my rate of progress, the feeling that I "should" be beyond where I was, and envy when someone coul get to a level within a short time that I could still struggle on even though I had been putting effort in for years.
Some things that helped me let go? First I got injured, then I got pregnant. I couldn't climb to get to the next level anymore. I could just climb for the enjoyment of it, and for growing in the level where I was.
Negative thoughts can really drag down your enjoyment and your performancce. It is worth looking into techniques where you learn to mentally train, as well as physically train. Of course, in climbing there are books on how to do that. Not so much with poling, I imagine. There are sport pysychology books out there, which could be inspiring. But even just being aware of the weight of negative thoughts, and consciously trying to turn them around can be helpful. Persistence and positive visualization can take people really far.
Ramona
Log in to reply.