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Colleague “creeping” on FB – what do?
I’d be greatful for some opinions/advice on this. I’m sure some of you must have experienced something similar.
For a few months we had a guy working with us in our group from another site (but same company). I didn’t have anything to do with him, but he was in the same office and constantly looking and such when he passed my room. Very obviously there was an interest. Not at all from my side though. I kept a low profile, trying not to mislead him or how to say, but it seems that did not hit through. He’s from another culture and doesn’t speak Swedish, it could possibly play a role. He may be unsure what signals people use here when they wanna say “I’m not interested”/”I’m interested”. We never had a conversation.
Just before he went back to the site he’s permanently working at, we had a dinner and bowling night with some vendors. He and I was in the same bowling team, but we didn’t really speak then either. I once again kept a “low profile”. So nothing happened in any way.
Then a couple of weeks after he had gone back, I got a friends-request from him on facebook. I should say that my fb is a place of all kind of people nowadays. Friends, online training buddies of pole and contortion, pure creeps, relatives, fake profiles. You name them, I think I’ve got them. I connect to others in my training fields on facebook (among other places) so that’s why the doors are open. I’ve connected with interesting people that I didn’t know were interesting people before I let them in.
I think my collegue has been stalking me for all the time he’s been here and seen on profile and cover pics that the likes come from kind of everywhere. It does not give an impresson of someone who connect only to IRL friends and family. So maybe that’s partly why he took the step and sent me a request even though we don’t know each other.
I was a bit hesitant to accept his request, but considering the crowd that’s already there, I thought that what the hell, I’ll include him then if he so wants. Maybe it was the wrong decision. He first sent me a pm saying hi, that I responded to…with some delay, just saying “hi”, litteraly. Later after I had posted some new training picture, he sent me a message saying “you’re amazing” or something likely. I responded asking “do you mean my training” and he said like “yes, and the way you look, just too much”. I didn’t reply to that. Then yesterday I posted some other picture and he says oh how sexy you are. Hmm…I’ve not responded to that either because I don’t know what is best to say. I don’t need those messages from him as you understand. If he likes my training for whichever the reason, I would have appreciated a “like” and that’s it. So far he hasn’t used the like-button.
In general, no matter who it is, I don’t like when they send me pm:s wanting to talk because they’re interested but not even bother to press like. They could at least support me with that if they want my attention. Those are “the creeps”. They keep activity low because they don’t want others that they are creeping on to see it. Ok, I cannot all the time know for sure why they don’t “like” anything, but I think this is the most common reason.
I would kind of like to tell my colleague that I’d appreciate a like more than a message that tells the same thing, but as you understand I don’t want to cause bad relations. Hopefully he’s not coming back here but I may be going there for some short presentation and it doesn’t feel good to have conflicts. Unfriending or blocking will be even worse.
What would you have done? I think I need to respond something since he’s repetedly sending me messages. How can I in a polite way get him to back off without hard feelings? Advice would be much appreciated!
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32 Replies
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You still want to be friends with this guy but you don’t want him to see all your training photos/vids right? I keep to myself a lot and don’t often like to share my photos outside of my pole bubble so I organise my fb friends into different lists – so those that have potential to be ‘creepy’ are on an ‘acquaintances’ list so they hardly ever see my posts.
FB privacy settings are great so certain people can’t view everything you post. For when he comments on your photos etc. often a short polite reply like ‘thanks’ or even just liking his comment is enough.
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Maybe it was unclear how I get his messages, it is actually not as comments on the pictures, but as personal messages over the chat.
I don’t care so much if he sees my pics (since he already has), but I would prefer him not to send me creepy messages about being sexy etc. I feel I need to respond in a way that doesn’t provoke more interest from his side, but still doesn’t offend him (business reasons).
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hmmm I usually say thanks, it’s a really good fitness or something really boring/mundane so it kills the conversation lol it has only ever happened once or twice to me (creepy messages) to which if I think it’s sexist or pervy I will tell them in a polite but firm way thanks for appreciating the sport now leave me alone. He might not know he is creeping you out and is just keen to show his feelings towards you and may need stronger words off you to get the idea that you are not interested.
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Yes I usually go for a “cold” “thanks” when I don’t wanna continue the conversation with someone. But so far it hasn’t worked in this case. Being cold didn’t help in the office either since he obviously didn’t understand I had no interest.
He’s probably not aware that I just find him creepy, that’s right… So it does not seem better than me having to become more outright to make him get it.
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I would go with the 100% ignore him. And if you are unfortunate and bump into him again I highly doubt he would say anything at all, as if he had the confidence to he would have complimented you in person in the first place….. he will get bored if you dont reply. Sadly I think some men think if you reply you are interested 🙂
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Totally ignore all his private messages he will soon get bored
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I recommend you remove him as a FB friend in addition to not responding to messages. He should be professional when dealing with him professionally. I clear my friends list every few months. Only people I have some sort of REAL connection with. People from my long ago past are not FB friends nor are acquaintances. The exception is if there is a interest that is being shared like I have people online only sharing photography or music info (similar to this website) and do not talk to offline. Used to have some bandmates as FB friends from bands I was in years ago. When no real even online relationship developed I removed them from my friends list. I do have several business FB pages so the “generic population” can connect through them.
People get too caught up with the number of FB friends (twitter followers, etc.) they have so, feel they have to add everyone that requests. You can buy FB friends ($30/thousand) or for any social media. Does that really impress anyone but yourself? And either way then you are exposing your personal information to many people you don’t really know and do not know what they will use that information for. You are better treating your personal social media accounts like you would your personal lives.
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A simple “your comments are flattering but they make me uncomfortable” is the response you should give. Passive is NOT the way to go and if he cannot handle a simple and blunt rejection then you need to take extra steps. If you handle it professionally and don’t back pedal this should kill his advances.
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Thanks for responding. If he had been just anyone and not a colleague I’d just have totally ignored or removed him. But I don’t think it will be so good from the professional point of view. I may even have to meet him quite soon again.
Well, he keeps it up…when I got home and checked fb, he had sent me another message saying “can I watch the game with you?”. First I didn’t understand a bit of what he was talking about. Like, is it something going on in sports that I’ve totally missed (I always do :))? But after a while I got what he meant. One of my pictures had been up in the news feed during the afternoon, this one:
https://www.studioveena.com/photos/view_photo/530cc662-0478-40f8-a69a-50b80a9aa0eb
It was from the day of the hockey final and since it looks like I’m watching something on my computer on the pic, I had written “watching the game” as a funny caption to it. So that’s what he was referring to…I may have to send him a reply tomorrow or something. Maybe that I’m assuming that his messages are meant as compliments, but that they unfortunately turn out looking a bit “creepy”.
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From a professional viewpoint yes you can ignore and remove him as a FB friend. Your personal FB account is just that: Personal. If he does not treat you professionally when working together than he is not a professional.
Sending him a direct response sometimes is fine but often is seen as confrontational. A long time ago I was on the bad side of a domestic situation. Afterwards the phone calls came in regularly and even bizarre answering machine messages. This was before Caller ID. The police had advised me to change my phone number as unlisted immediately and not in any way confront them as that was more likely to make things much worse.
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I would say to him, in work, preferably in front of a reliable witness colleague
‘I’m happy to have a good professional relationship with you and am pleased with the work we have done together with our colleagues but I don’t feel comfortable having you viewing and commenting on my personal life Facebook posts. To make our working relationship feel more comfortable and professional for me, I’m going to block Facebook contact. It’s not personal – it’s just that I have decided what works best for me and the company is to keep work and personal stuff separate.’Then block him plus a few other people and make sure all work stuff is very professional and preferably with other people there.
If he moans,
Just smile politely and repeat ‘I’ve decided what works best for me and the company is to keep professional and personal stuff separate.’Make a note of anything that makes you feel not comfortable and withdraw, just stay very professional and detached. Imagine a documentary film crew is recording you making a video about how to handle unwanted attention from colleagues.
And speak to HR, taking in any notes or diary of unwanted and inappropriate attention.
Because if you ask them to stop in a way a reasonable person would understand, and they carry on, it’s harassment.
Good luck
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Oh yeah, and the slightest feeling that he’s not understood or is going to be difficult in any way after your verbal, informal warning-off (preferably in front of witness) follow up with an email from your work email saying it again
‘Just to confirm that I’m happy with our professional relationship as colleagues but don’t feel comfortable with you commenting on my personal Facebook stuff like fitness training; so I’ve blocked you – it’s what feels most comfortable and professional for me – thanks, Lina’
Then you have a paper trail if you need it. 🙂
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That’s an unfortunate situation, sorry Lina. I would be hesitant too, just because I don’t like letting people down. Seems like he is trying to ‘go somewhere’ and his hope is to establish a relationship…but you have to let him down.
I don’t really have a good answer for the best way to do that, though. The fact that I am married and my profile says so, probably deters a lot of creepers, so I don’t have much experience with the social media & guys stuff. I do have a separate pole profile, because I don’t want guys I interact with in real life to have access to my pole pics, and as I rule I don’t accept guy friend requests on that profile. 😉
GL….again, sorry and I hope this is resolved well!!
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Bringing it up at your workplace here in the states can be grounds for being fired without warning. One thing he has done correctly it sounds like is avoiding anything at the workplace. Even though he may have initiated things, most companies have policies concerning bring personal matters to the workplace and it is considered a form of workplace harassment if you confront him at a place of business.
If your company has a Human Resources (why is there never a dog or monkey Resources?) or Personnel Department you might consider asking there what to do if the situation might make it into the workplace. -
It has already crossed over to work; if he wasn’t a work colleague she wouldn’t still be in contact and its because he was a work colleague that she feels she had to accept his FB request out of politeness. It needs pointing out that they are only work colleagues and work colleagues only.
How is this harassing him? If she points it out at work? She is not to blame for being subjected to unwelcome attention.
It is simply drawing attention to the appropriate professional truth.She only need to deal with him and communicate with him at work
She owes him nothing more.
She should certainly not have to put up with unwelcome personal remarks for a colleague simply because he is a colleague. And her work should support her in drawing appropriate professional lines – not victim blaming.As women we are sometimes too worried about offending people and think we should just put up with it; no. Nobody has to put up with being made to feel uncomfortable by a colleague remarking on their personal life, their body, and nobody owes a colleague a picture of themselves dancing in shorts.
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