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Dealing with a nervous partner – help?
Hey Veeners!
My doubles partner has loads of anxiety. Performance anxiety is the one that I’m looking for advice with here. We have a performance this weekend (it’s her third performance ever). I grew up competing in music festivals and so I’m pretty accustomed to the fact that no performance will (or can) ever be perfect and that it’s all pretty insignificant in the long run as long as you enjoy yourself. I try to be supportive – I’ve had anxiety issues in the past and I know that it’s not an easy thing. But I’m finding that I’m running out of patience sometimes. If she feels like she makes any mistake during our performance, I know she’ll be really really upset. It happened last year during our first performance and it seemed like there was nothing I could say to make her feel better… kind of made it hard to enjoy the rest of the event because I was worried that she was so stressed and upset. In the days and weeks leading up to this performance, she is already getting super anxious about it and I just want to shake her and tell her that it DOESN’T MATTER and it’s all for fun! I know it might seem like I’m being kind of selfish here, and maybe I am, but I’m wondering if anyone has any advice on how I can try to support her without losing my patience? I just want to see her relax, enjoy herself and grow from the process of preparing and performing. Nothing is ever perfect – that’s what makes life interesting! -
32 Replies
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I’ve not performed but one thing I’ve learnt is that mistakes are often not being noticed by so many others that the one who commits them. Even quite big slips are many times hard to know if they were meant to be or not. And since you’ll be two people on stage at the same time, it will be even easier to miss them for the audience. When you’re watching a performance you will not be looking for mistakes (unless you’re a judge), so you may not really find any either.
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I’ve tried telling her that. And even last year, tons of people told her they didn’t notice the part that she kept stressing about and saying she messed up. It didn’t seem to make any difference. She expects absolute perfection from herself, which is impossible, so it’s hard to convince her otherwise.
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That’s a hard situation since expecting perfection can only result in feelings of loss :(.
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You are not going to be able to talk her out of her anxiety or convince her it is just fun. Her anxiety over performing and not being perfect runs deeper than simple performance anxiety and is an issue she has to get help with. Let her take responsibility for it. It is easy to take on others issues and try to fix it for them. Doing so does not fix the problem; it only increases your own frustration. You will not be able to “fix it” for her. I don’t know what she has and hasn’t done to address the anxiety, but ultimately she has to seek out the resources needed to deal with this. At some point you may have to take a step back and decide if you want to continue with the partnership if nothing changes.
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Best thing that anyone has ever been done when I’m having an anxiety attack: Sit with me. They didn’t try to fix it, they didn’t try to talk me down, they didn’t even try to stop me crying. Whatever I say during those times is more for me than them- it’s so loud in my head that it’s coming out, whether I want it to or not. I’m not “consolable” in those times- I don’t know that anyone with an anxiety problem is really “consolable.”
As Cuwoody said, the problem runs deeper than that. You can’t cover it up with nice words and attempts to convince her that it’ll be okay or that it’s about having fun, so don’t try! Just… don’t!
My advice would be to practice a lot, make sure you’ve both got it down. If she asks you anything directly (“What if THIS happens?!”) then try to answer with the simplest thing you can think of. What if you fall? You’ll get up again. What if you get injured? Then we’ll talk to a doctor or a paramedic. What if people see you slip up? Then you keep dancing.
The trick is that you need to show her the trust that she lacks in herself. Instead of trying to convince her that she should trust herself (which she knows, I guarantee that), or trying to talk her out of being anxious, just… let her be herself! Let her exist the way she needs to right now. Be with her, let her go through it. I know it can be really painful to watch someone go through something like that… but you aren’t just watching. You’re going with her, you’re her solid place for a while when she needs it. But, you don’t need to exert yourself, and you don’t need to keep trying to fix it!
Eventually, she’ll figure out that, no matter what, you’ll be there and everything will be fine, or she’ll decide that she can’t handle it right now, and she’ll let you know.Good luck!
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Xanax.
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Runemist – So here’s the thing: she’s not having an actual anxiety attack. Yes, she’s overly anxious, and yes, she should see someone about it. But not an actual panic attack. I can say this with confidence because I am a doctor and my undergrad degree was in psychology. It would be totally different if she was having a panic attack – I could sit with her through that. It’s more how she behaves when she’s getting anxious and how it affects our partnership. Example: we’ll do a run-through and we’ll make a mistake, I can see her start to get all worried about it and then she shuts down and gets all short and irritable with me. Not productive. She can’t take constructive criticism because she then just feels as though her flaws are being pointed out and focusses on that instead of learning from it. We run through the routine whenever we can – but we both have busy schedules so it’s tough to coordinate both of us being free and finding available studio time.
mspretty – I’ve considered trying to get her to take some Ativan (same class of drug as Xanax) but beyond the fact that I would never try to force medication on someone, she also has never ever taken anything like that and doesn’t even drink. So I have no idea how hard it would hit her and around a performance is not the time to find out.
I understand that the issue runs deeper. I guess I’m just trying to see if anyone has ever had this problem in a partnership before or if anyone has any ideas for short term solutions until we get through this performance – and the rest of the evening after our performance. I don’t want the night to be ruined because I’m trying to console her while she’s beating herself up for a split second hesitation that nobody noticed. Or maybe someone just needs to tell me I’m being a selfish asshole. That could be possible. And if you think that’s it – PLEASE just tell me haha
Thank you everyone for your input so far. Just venting and hearing people’s different takes on this situation is helpful. At the very least, it’s giving me an outlet for my frustration 🙂
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I don’t think there is anything you can tell her that will help. Ya know, if you mess up, there aint shit you can do about it. You will either forgive yourself or you wont. and if you don’t, then you will be upset for a while. A day, a week, however long…. then you forget it. so, in the end you get over it. the only difference is getting over it in a day or a week or longer. this really is a deep rooted way of thinking that is hard wired in her brain. not sure there is anything you can say or do that will change it. I really think life experience is the only thing that will make this better for her. the only thing you can do is choose a different partner next time I guess. Besides pole, I have performed in film and theatres. Repetition was the only thing that helped the anxiety. And yes, I screwed up many times. Maybe if you two can perform your routine for a group of friends, this will help her get over her anxiety of messing up. I would perform for as many people as you can before the actual show. perform several times. get some people outside of the pole world to watch if you can. this will cause her a little more anxiety but it wont matter if she messes up because you guys can just repeat it.
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Damn… totally should have posted about this a couple weeks ago instead of 2 days before the show haha
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Also Lola, I will say this with experience. I was the person having the issues in a partnership with a fellow actor. haha! I was really hard on myself and I shut down when I am criticized. performing for strangers before our show DID help me. If you perform for people as many times as you can , you (she) will become de-sensitized to the anxiety. I still have a sort of melt down before opening night of any show I do. Acting or pole. I’ve learned to recognize it. Now it only lasts a day and I’ve learned to tell everyone that this is a normal process for me. that I will be over it by the next rehearsal.
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Darn!! sorry it’s so close to showtime 🙁
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I can totally understand your frustration, and especially since anxiety attacks are much less noticeable than a panic attack, I can understand the confusion.
It sounds to me like an anxiety disorder- I have reacted like this often enough, I can relate to her.
But, that’s the thing. You’re looking at anxiety, not panic. Panic attacks are really easy to see, they’re easy to diagnose. Anxiety is not- anxiety causes people to close up, try to hide, and it becomes much, much less simple to diagnose or even notice that there’s a problem beyond being bitchy or unhappy.
If she can’t take criticism, then go for praise. Instead of “You should try putting your foot here,” go for “This move we really have down! Good job!”
A huge part of an anxiety/depression spiral is around negativity, and focusing on it. Anxiety causes a person to worry, to look only at the negative, and to project that negative into the future- to expect it. People with anxiety (myself included) BELIEVE that bad things will always come from the future… no matter what has ACTUALLY come down the line at us. The issue isn’t the facts of life, it’s what we choose to omit or focus on.
Depression is looking back, and seeing only that negativity.
Like I said, you need to just allow her to be herself. If she gets anxious, she’s going to get sullen, upset, short. She’s suddenly retreated into her head, and started on the spiral: “What do you think you’re doing? You can’t do this. You’ve seen it over and over again- you can’t get this. You’ll fail. You’ll fail, and your partner will be upset with you. They will laugh at you. You’ll never get it.” As soon as it’s any kind of criticism, even if you’re as gentle as possible, that voice gets louder. It’s a roar in her head that cripples her confidence, her belief that she CAN, her sense of identity. Everything is lost in the end.Having the studies of psychology is NO substitute for actual experience. I appreciate and respect the outsider’s view- I see a counsellor, and I very much appreciate his help in my journey to be rid of my anxiety, but I also know that I am the one leading. He hasn’t been through the things I have, he doesn’t know what it’s like. I must lead the journey.
Telling her “This is just for fun!” may make her think she’ll ruin all your fun. Telling her “Don’t worry so much!” no matter what it’s followed by, will make her worry about how much she worries. Asking her if she needs drugs may make her think she’s crazy, needs to be medicated, perhaps she shouldn’t live with “normal people”. It all depends on her- what her triggers are, how severe she’s feeling it that day (or in general), and the sorts of things she’s afraid of.
So, as I said: Be with her, let her be herself. We may see anxiety as a bad thing to be battled, but she isn’t there yet. One MUST accept and learn to live with these sorts of things before they can be battled effectively. Acceptance for other people can be a huge leap in that goal.
Being positive is always an option- focus on what’s good, what’s going well, what you’re happy with or proud of. She will follow with confidence, she’ll come out of her shell if she can, and she will hopefully be able to hear the good things, and not worry so much. It’s all about focus. -
I will also point out that there is likely a reason for her to have an anxiety disorder- her “shell” is created for a reason, and there is nothing wrong with it. The only thing wrong is that it hinders HER, as well as blocks what she really doesn’t want to let in.
And, that she clearly WANTS to dance with you. She struggles, she fights with it, and she still wants to do it. You can acknowledge that, too. Pointing out that we WANT to do something is also really difficult for some people. I always tell myself that I “have” to dance, I “have” to run, and it feels like a chore, it’s not fun. I need to change my language to “want,” and it’s always helpful when my boyfriend points it out to me 😉 -
I’ve also battled anxiety in the past, and depression – it’s just never involved any performing I’ve done. My anxiety was more related to PTSD and OCD. So, different experience I suppose. Your perspective is good to hear. I feel like I’ve tried so hard to give positive reinforcement. But there inevitably comes a point where things need to be fixed that are wrong. That’s where the trouble is. Maybe it would be easier if she reacted differently when the tables were turned: if there’s a trick that I’m struggling with, she just gets annoyed with me and says that I just have to work on it more (even when I try to explain that it’s realistically something that is many months away instead of something that I could get ready for a performance).
Maybe I just don’t have the patience to wait for her to get over this. It takes a lot of the fun out of preparing for a performance when I worry about how I can delicately fix something that isn’t working without worsening her anxiety, or when I just worry about her stressing about and how I’ll have to respond to it. I will try just letting her be – not saying not to worry and not saying it’s supposed to be fun. Hopefully that helps.
What do you think is a good response when I get texts like “I’m nervous”?That’s a really good point about need vs want. I’ve never thought of it that way! I’ll have to keep that in mind.
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Yeah, mine is originally because of PTSD, but it’s been so long (I was six) since then that it’s turned into something fundamentally different. So… I sort of have both sides of the issue Oo;
I really can understand your frustration though. I do my very best to put the most positive spin on things like this, but I do acknowledge that sometimes things NEED to be addressed! It’s a very difficult situation to be in, and… honestly, I think it sounds like you’re doing well on those instances.
As for her criticizing you… there are a couple of reasons you could look at. The first, is that she may be a bit of a perfectionist; some expect as much perfection from other people as they expect from themselves (even though they continue to fall short of their own expectations). It could also be (unfortunately) a “bully” tactic. If she’s really low on self-esteem and has had bullying in the past, that may be the only way she knows how to express criticism. It’s a tricky thing, because a lot of people don’t encounter criticism unless it’s VERY BAD.Texts saying “I’m nervous”? I’d say something like… eh, distract and redirect. If there are other people in the show that you think she’s interested in seeing, mention it “Are you excited to see so-and-so?” Or talk about some kind of fun thing happening around, or especially after the show! She can focus on that, and the anxiety may go down a bit.
This close to the show, it’s unfortunate… I’ve done shows where I wanted to just freak out (mostly burlesque, but I’ve also done presentations and things with the same response), run away. I shake, I can’t keep my thoughts straight… it sucks. I’ve been really deeply mired in my anxiety for the past four or five months, in order to deal with and effectively combat it. I have a presentation tomorrow that I am much, much less nervous about than I have been in the past. But… sometimes I have bad days, too 😉 I’m learning, and I hope she does, too.
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