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Dealing with a nervous partner – help?
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I put a long message but i could get it to not sound a bit harsh and i dont want that so i will sum it up in one line…..
If the worry outshines the fun and love with ANYTHING in life its time to have a think!
I would never compete or perform the thought of it brings me out in a cold sweat and pole is my fun – not a worry that will creep into every aspect of my life
xx
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This is probably something she has dealt with her whole life. Maybe some past issues. I’m a total nervous Nelly about things, meaning i dwell on things I don’t need to. It is something that has been with me as long as i can remember. Maybe her lifestyle growing up she was ridiculed by the people around her or maybe should could never be “good enough” etc.. People also are addicted to their own emotions in a sense. Something needs to break this cycle of self criticism and it wont happen until she realizes it and wants to stop just like any other addiction. I would bet she is like this in other aspects of her life.
I agree, if she wants to continue to perform then she needs to perform more. A LOT more. Try some local bars or clubs that do burlesque or variety shows if you are around any. I know I would be nervous as hell and would dwell on it if I messed up but I also would not let it ruin my night.
The thing that helps me when I am self criticising myself and dwelling on things, is to keep telling myself that everyone sees things differently, no ones brain and perception is the same. That what I am thinking now, is not what other people are thinking. I have my own memories and they have theirs.
When you don’t think about the past, whether it is a minute ago or 10 years ago, it doesn’t exist (metaphorically speaking) at least the way you would remember it because someone else remembers it different. Sounds cheesy but I truly believe in the power of the mind and suggestion. The hard part is getting your self to believe it.Sounds to me though that she might not be the best candidate to put on public performances, at least not yet or until she gets professional help. If you’ve tried talking to her and reassuring her etc.. and it does no good and she gets frustrated and grumpy and dwells on mistakes, then it might not be a bad idea to try to get her to see a psychologist. Performing or speaking in public is huge anxiety for a lot of people. She just responds in her own may. I personally think it sounds like it is deeper and more of a borderline personality disorder.
I have no credentials except plenty of experience with mental health issues and personal experience with a few friends,family, and myself. I have had a crazy crazy life and been through some shit! In fact, people that no me and my past have always said you turned out really good, most people would be a sociopath, dead, or in prison. We all have our life story, but dwelling on things, especially the past and the things you can not change,like mistakes that have already happened, only exacerbates the condition. Which is why she probably should not perform if it is doing this to her. I wouldn’t want to always feel like that so i wouldn’t put myself in that situation.
Have you introduced her to here? lol, I know it has helped my confidence a lot!! Just thought I would share my 2 cents. Hope everything works out and good luck with the performance!
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Meg, while I appreciate your sentiment, it’s like saying “Well, I’ve had my leg blown off in a horrible accident… I guess I’ll forget skiing then!”
I live with an anxiety disorder, day in, and day out. It is with me constantly. It is with me when I go to sleep and when I wake up. There is no respite, no running away, and nothing anyone or anything can do to help me appropriately- it lives inside me, and they do not.
Pole dancing is something that brings me a lot of joy, and yet it sometimes takes me ages to get on the pole. I just went through a four-month stint of no pole. Not really of my own choice… it was because of my anxiety. It found a way to take the thing I love away from me, and I had to wrestle with it.
To say “I would never do anything that would bring me into a cold sweat” would be to say I will never do anything. Ever.
This is definitely not a way to live, and it would do nothing but encourage my anxiety. It would destroy me from the inside out. Some days, yeah, I can’t fathom doing anything but getting clothes on so my roommate doesn’t see me naked, and just… sit. On the couch. I don’t do anything for hours sometimes. But… I don’t just decide that such an existence is “better” because I’m not technically afraid of anything!
I specifically chose the skiing example because I knew a girl who did ski with one leg. It’s not her fault she had one leg, and sure, she had difficulties with some things. But, she loved to ski, and so she found a way to do it. With ONE leg. Her prosthetic would have gotten in her way.
I see anxiety as a temporary loss of something less-tangible but equally as “debilitating.” I have the option of healing, but only after I can become strong enough- by learning to deal with it, by building the confidence OUTSIDE of it, and putting myself slowly back together. If I just gave in, I wouldn’t be here. I would be hiding in the dark, on my bed, in my mum’s house, alone. I would never have moved out, never have talked to people, and never have done anything I loved to do.
“Having a think” is not going to solve anxiety. -
And as for this idea of “desensitizing” by performing a lot more… I don’t necessarily agree. This is what we do for phobias, and the person who has the phobia must have absolute control to be able to say “stop, no further” or even “stop, until I say go again.” Performance is not something you can back out of after a certain time and still feel good. Performance is not something you can say “No, I’m not okay” once they announce you to come on stage.
For SOME people, continuing to perform and face that fear is helpful, but this doesn’t sound like a case of simple “stage fright.” Her reactions toward any kind of failure, as well as a few other things, lead me to think that this is a much larger issue… one that will only become worse with consistent exposure to performance. -
That’s pretty much what I said. It seems like a deeper issue and she shouldn’t perform.
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I don’t know if you were directing the last bit at me but I said if she wants to continue to perform, then she does need to get desensitized.
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It wasn’t necessarily 😉 She DOES need to be desensitized, but it’s pretty much the same problem with all people- I haven’t met anyone who isn’t afraid of performing if they haven’t done a lot of it already.
For me, I can perform, and I’m getting a lot more comfortable with it- this is both due to practice, and due to my work on my anxiety in a more permanent manner.
But yeah- if performance is triggering her really badly and she’s suffering, she needs to find coping mechanisms and ways around it if she truly loves to perform. If not, she can drop it and re-evaluate later.
I suppose I’m looking at it more from the perspective of where I was back in December: The idea of being awake was triggering enough. I was in a bad place with my anxiety and I just couldn’t handle anything without having issues… but I couldn’t just give up, because I would have destroyed myself, gone into a horrible spiral and taken far longer to get out than I have.
But, I suppose I agree, tentatively, with the idea of putting your mental health first… but I don’t agree that we should just not do things that scare us. -
Sorry I just guessed from the way its worded that she does not have general nerves and was only to do with this performance. My view would be 100% different it if was an all round life issue (2 very different things) Sorry i should have stated that. Didnt want to offend anyone.
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Yup! We shouldn’t back down to things that scare us if its just normal nerves but yeah it sounds more severe with the info we have. I am scared of heights. I get all sweaty and vertigo etc.. I will and have jumped off bridges, I have done flying trapeze, I have jumped off the stratosphere in Vegas, and I am going skydiving. I totally think it is a good thing to conquer fears but not if it disrupts your life in a bad way.
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My idea of being “desensitized” to performing has nothing to do with mental illness. I am referring to performance anxiety. the kind of performance anxiety that I have personally dealt with in performing plays, acting on film, dance, and singing. I thought the original post said she has performance anxiety. I am in no way suggesting any treatments for this girl’s mental illness, if she even has one. Everyone has different levels of anxiety and it is possible to have a little bit higher anxiety level without being mentally ill and needing counseling and drugs. If would be weird to have no sort of anxiety- that’s not natural for any human. And having anxiety doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t enjoy what you are doing. I’m sorry if my idea of getting someone ready for a performance was mistaken as a remedy for an anxiety disorder. Anxiety and anxiety disorder are not the same. I wasn’t aware that we were talking about a certified disorder, that is very different. I also think it is very selfish of someone to let their mental illness ruin someone else’s good time and require others to walk on eggshells around them. You should not have to walk on eggshells around someone when you are being reasonable and not being abusive. It is also very manipulative to constantly demand reassurance from others. that person will get the
reassurance they want but it doesn’t last very long. So, if you don’t have a mental disorder but you are nervous about performing. Performing repeatedly in front of supportive audiences (friends and family) can help. If you have a mental disorder, I have no suggestions on how to take care of that. -
“I also think it is very selfish of someone to let their mental illness ruin someone else’s good time and require others to walk on eggshells around them. You should not have to walk on eggshells around someone when you are being reasonable and not being abusive. It is also very manipulative to constantly demand reassurance from others. that person will get the
reassurance they want but it doesn’t last very long.”I am no longer interested in this conversation, and possibly this entire community.
I do not feel right even reading this. -
I hope goes well with the performance, do let us know how it went!
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Our performance was last night and I think overall, it went really well! She felt a lot better about it afterwards than she did after our performance last year 🙂
Couple of minor things that didn’t go quite as planned but the audience really seemed to love it and I’m pretty happy about it! I’ll get around to posting video soon -
That’s great! glad it went well. maybe this success will help build her confidence. 🙂
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how about a straight shot of vodka for next time that will help !!
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