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Finding my style
Hey guys!
I have really been doing some “soul searching”. I have always found it difficult to be myself because as a child I was taught to be a certain way and act a certain way. Having such a strong negative influence as I grew up, my body image and self esteem had been destroyed and I felt like I wasn’t left with much. I’m still a young person but over the years I’ve felt like my “style” and outer appearance just didn’t match up with how I felt inside and how I viewed myself.
I’ve had people tell me what hair style, hair color, clothes, etc look best on me and every time they say things like: your natural hair, blonde hair, don’t wear so much black, etc, I’d always feel disappointed. I would feel disappointed that others didn’t like what I wanted to wear or have as style.When I was 16 and moved in with my dad, I was finally able to start doing things on my own (especially once I got my job and car). It was really hard to decide what to do with my outer appearance when I felt like the inside was broken. I dyed my hair black and sometimes auburn. It was also a depressing period in my life but I really enjoyed the contrast of dark hair on my pale skin.
In therapy, I’ve been discussing how my family makes me uncomfortable sometimes…I always feel like the black sheep or the odd ball. I have family members who call me “weird” and think that I got what I deserved (breaking my foot) by doing pole. It really sucks to have such negativity in my life and especially towards something that I love..
It sounds silly, but I couldn’t make up my mind: did I want to please others with my natural hair or did I want to do what I wanted to do?
If I did what I wanted to do with my outer appearance and even speak my mind, I’d have people tell me that it doesn’t look good on me or to go back with the natural look. It’s been a really difficult journey, years later I feel like I’ve been fighting with this silliness for too long.
The truth is, I know who I am. And she’s been here the whole time, sort of lurking in the background. Ultimately I have to do what I feel comfortable with and what I think looks good. I am really excited that I’ve finally accepted myself. I really enjoy who I am and I don’t really care what others think. I know I’ve progressed a lot and I’m super proud of this journey.
So…I’ve decided that I’m going to do something drastic with my hair. I recently had to cut it short, but it’s finally starting to grow back out. I am thinking of going either bright red or maybe even black with blue highlights…
I’d also like to get my nose pierced again (had to take it out for work a while back). I enjoy piercings and I can’t wait to go do this again.Anyway, I know this isn’t super relevant to pole but at the same time, I feel that since I’ve been doing pole a lot of my style and soul has been coming out. Once I let go, I think we’ll really see it/me.
Since I’ve been doing pole, I can tell a difference in my body and my attitude. I even feel like I handle myself and situations more positively.
I just wanted to share my journey thus far and what I’ve been thinking about. I am sure that others feel similar or can relate to this.I feel really excited to make a physical change but also by doing so, emotionally I’ll feel changed and proud of myself for making the change.
If anyone has any thoughts or similar circumstances, I’d love to hear it! I think the pole community is super supportive and also I feel that polers in general tend to let go and really let themselves shine through their dances.
Thanks for listening to me babble. 🙂
-M -
14 Replies
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Yay for you for doing you!! We will never be able to please the world but making ourselves happy is where it’s at, it changes the world!!!! Glad you are feeling and healing. Sounds like you are moving beautifully along this journey of yours=)
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@ MaeC
Thank you so much for replying! You have such kind words and it really brightened my day! I am so happy to hear that you took the time to even watch my videos! I haven’t posted a while because of the broken foot, but I can’t wait to get back on the pole and start recording again. I bought a platinum stage pole and I haven’t even gotten the chance to break it in!
I am so happy to have inspired you. I feel like there are so many dancers (a lot of them on here) that really inspire me! So it’s really nice to pass that along. Who knew I’d ever have admirers?!
It sucked breaking my foot, but earlier I was doing some inverts and decided to do a handstand and I could not believe how much stronger I felt! Those crutches really helped. So I feel like that’s something positive I can take from breaking my foot.
I am so happy to of found another “black sheep”. We could seriously start a club and call it the black sheep. 🙂
I do plan on being myself and embracing every bit of it. Thank you again for your kind words! It’s put a smile on my face and it’s always nice to know you’re not the only one who feels a certain way. -
Thanks @Shoog!
You’re always so supportive of me and not to mention everyone on this site! You always have sweet words no matter what the situation and I really admire that. -
Well, I’m dying my hair red tonight….
We’ll see how that comes out…. -
Ooh, that should be fun. Every couple of years I do something drastic to change things up. First I got a navel piercing, then I cut my hair shoulder length (Gasp! Well, it was a big deal for a formerly conservative Christian), then I dyed my hair bright magenta. It’s fun each time.
Hope you like the way your hair turns out!
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Do it! Can’t wait to see the result.
I felt like a black sheep in my family when I was younger. I probably still am the black sheep but I absolutely do not care now. I did then and it was painful–I wanted them to accept me as I was. You sound like you’re on the right track. Do and be what you know is right for you. People will either come around to you or not. Obviously we have no control over other people but living a certain way to please others will never make you happy.
Dye that hair if it makes you happy. To my mind, folks that have time to sweat the small stuff (and hair color and choice of hobby such as pole dancing are small stuff) simply have too much time on their hands or haven’t seen enough of the big stuff. I’m a nurse and, while I’m type A and used to sweat the small stuff, I’ve now seen enough tragedy to know, it’s nearly all small stuff. Life is short.
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I just went to your profile to see if there were pics of your magenta hair–I LOVE IT! It looked great on you!
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@Frenchhornprof
Yes, I LOVE IT! It’s such a great feeling to change it up and I feel like I finally found a color that FITS me. I’m so happy about it.@grayeyes
It’s always nice to know you’re not the only one who feels like the black sheep. I feel like I’m on the right track and it’s making my days a whole lot happier. You’re absolutely right! Plus it’s just not worth the time to worry about what others will think of me. It frees up my mind and my time, so it’s a win-win.The red hair turned out GREAT. I’ll have to do a video very soon. While I can’t do a whole lot with my foot, I can still invert and do some other small things. 🙂 It makes me feel so feisty too!
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Oh Mila! I’m sorry I kept missing you… It’s been crazy with the kiddo starting school and playing 3 sports. It’s a good kind of crazy but still crazy. Oh and I spilled coffee on my laptop and other madness. 😛
I’m happy you’re finding your voice and your style. I know I let outside factors influence me too much sometimes… You gotta do you and be you and forget everything else 🙂
Can’t wait to see the red hair!
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@AllysonKendal
It’s okay, Ally! I know you’re super busy!! 3 sports?!? That’s one talented kid of yours, :). I spilled hot lube on my hand the other day and burned myself…so I totally understand the spilled coffee thing. haha.Yes, the red hair is so awesome. I’ll have to do a video sometime shortly. 🙂 I’d also like to get my nose pierced again but it maybe be a while before I do that. But either way, I’m super excited and so thankful for all the support I get on here! 🙂
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Milla, I enjoyed reading your babble and can relate to so much of it! Just wanted you to know. xoxo
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Thank you, Veena. I have found that a lot of polers can relate to finding their style. I am really excited about my red hair, I keep stopping to look in the mirror LOL. Thanks for reading and your support xoxox
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Pole definitely helped me find myself and what makes ME happy. I’ve spent so much time worrying about pleasing others. Growing up I was always expected to be prim and proper and being a teacher I again have others telling me that I must dress like a grandmother (our dress code is ridiculous). I quite literally woke up one morning and decided fuck it it’s my time. I started poling and signed up for a membership, went and got my girls pierced because I wanted to, and am waiting for my hair to grow out again before I dye it auburn like I’ve wanted to. Pole has definitely made me a happier person and, more importantly, a confident person. I don’t feel like I need to justify myself anymore, I can simply be me and it’s take it or leave it. I found a wonderful group of sisters that I pole with and I’ve continually found out more about myself, like what makes me tick and how much inner strength I truly have.
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