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I just need to let it out…
Anyone here ever feel resentment against their own parent? I am.
To make a long story short — I got into a fight with my mom today; the topic was on buying a house. My mom wants to buy a house that's close to the city, convenient, yet at a cheap price. I explain it to her that's not realistic, everything has a price. Then she went on and on how she can't buy a house now because of family…etc. And I said….(I really shouldn't have said it)
I said — "Everything you do has consequences. When you choose to live a luxurious life, there’s a price — all your LV, Chloe, Chanel bags and shoes have a price. Some people choose to save, you chose to spend."
My mom — "You are so ungrateful!! I spend so much money on you and your sister!! I earn my own money, why can't I spend it on things that I want to buy??"
I said — "You are an adult, you have responsibilities as a parent to raise your children. You also have your own financial obligations such as bills, rent…etc. For example, I choose to pay for all the tuition on both my degrees on my own and never asked you or dad for a dime, that's my choice and my responsibility — I'm not blaming it on you."
My mom — "You are SO ungrateful…I raised you, I GAVE you life, I NEVER ask you for money…You should go to your church and tell them how you treat your parents….etc…etc…etc."
By that time, I didn't want to fight anymore…I just went to shower. And here I am. Venting…
(Thanks for those who are still reading!)
Background information — I started working at the age of 14. I moved out by the time I was 18/19. I NEVER ask my parents for money, ever. On the other end, my mom, CONSTANTLY ask me for money…and I used to give it to her without questions, because I feel like she's my mom. Then the situation got worse, she ONLY ask me for money, not my sister (even though back then my sister makes almost twice as much as I do) — the situation got so bad where my mom will just call me and said "Transfer $250 (or $300, $400, $500…) to my account NOW". I'm not exaggerating.
During my last vacation in NOLA, I was on the street and my mom just called and said those words to me. I was on the STREET in a different STATE…when I can't transfer the money on my phone, she got upset at me. — I'm not stingy to my parents, when my mom got laid off last year, I feel bad, I gave her $1,000 cash so she can go and take a mini vacation to cheer herself up. But, my mom will ONLY ask ME for money…I asked her to ask my sister and she will always find excuse for my sister "Oh she needs her money for blah…and blah…." (My mom has then found a job…)
If anyone wonders she ever pays me back, the answer is No. She used to say "Let me borrow $xx from you, I'll pay you back — yeah right. The time I got REALLY upset was when I lend her MY OWN rent money, telling her it's my rent money and I'm trusting her to pay me back on time…Ofcourse, that didn't happened. Lesson learned.
Not only on money…but on ANY help…my mom will always as ME to help her…not my sister. For example, I live 2 hours away from her…and my sister lives 10 min away from her. When my mom has a doctor appointment and need a ride, she'll call me up and ask me to drive her. I asked "How come you're not asking my sister? She lives waaaay closer" Her answer "Because it's not good for her job to take time off, she's very busy" — What about me?? I'm your daughter too.
All these stories are only tip of an avalanche….I have so much resentment against my mom…it's not even funny. I feel like she's the one who's being ungrateful, yet, she will always turn the table around and point finger at me.
I know I’m not a perfect daughter, but honest to God, I’m doing a pretty darn good job in taking care of her in any way I can! I’m just so sick of it…so sick of her…so sick of the topic of money…
Oh another “classic” – I told her I won’t give her money anymore to spend on luxurious things, I will only help her on ‘emergency’. Guess what she does then? She’ll spend all her money on “things” then come and ask me to help her with her bills and rent. Can you believe this??
I don't know what I can do…it's not like I can choose my own parent….I just want to cry… Sniffle…Sniffle…
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13 Replies
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As we grow older, we become our own people and with independence comes different approaches to things than what our parents do. For example, it sounds lke you are a lot more consciencious with your money than your mom has been in her life.
There is a difference between respect for your parents and elders, and feeding a habit. It is not your responsibility to keep 'lending' (giving) your mom money. In fact if you were to dig into it a bit deeper, she probably doesn't ask your sister because your sister says no?
My advice? Seek help, start talking about what you are being asked to do. Speak to a professional, seek the support of your other family members. I don't know enough about your situation at all, but it does sound like your mom's spending is unusual and most importantly, hurtful to those around her. In the same way that you wouldn't give money to a drug addict (to spend on drugs, or to pay their rent when they've spent their own money on drugs), I would be re-evaluating giving your mom money.
We can't really help you from here (especially me, I live all the way in South Africa!), but I can send love and hugs and hope for a mutually beneficial resolution to the problem.
xox
Michelle
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I am sorry that you are feeling this way. I fully understand the wanting nice things as we all seem to want that, but at some point in time we need to re-evaluate our priorities. It seems that your mom in not capable of doing this and knows that she can put you on a guilt trip to get money out of you. She may also be just as bad as an alcoholic or drug user just her drug of choice is buying expensive items for herself. It is a sickness and you need to treat it as such.
This is not a situation I would want to be in.
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Jeeze she sounds like my mom to a T! I can only say, her problems are her problems. I went though years of counseling to realize that I am NOT responsible for her, her tantrums, her warped view on things, her knowing JUST what triggers me into guilt/feeling responsible so she gets what she wants. If I KNOW she's pushing those buttons, I do what you did, end of conversation, no phone calls, no contact. It does NOT break our relationship. It makes it stronger, and she respects me a lot more. And I have the same thing with siblings also, two brothers, she gives them money, pays their cell phone bills, etc. I've been doing it all myself since teen years, just like you. My little brother got a girl pregnant and he's STILL her golden child. But oh well. It is what it is. I read a story once, about a person saying they couldn't trust lions because they will eat you, can't trust monkeys because they'll steal from you, etc. The writer said that, actually, you CAN trust those animals. You can TRUST that the lion will eat you. You can TRUST that the monkeys WILL steal from you. Trust them to do what they do, and react appropriately. For some reason, that story feels very relateable to the way I have to keep my family at a distance, let them know that I love them, but that I am removing myself from the situation. No reasons, arguments, nothing. It is my life, I have a right to live it. It is not selfish of me to do so. In fact, quite the opposite. As a thriving, whole individual, I benefit those around me. If I am broken up over someone else, I can not help myself, and I can not help them. Best of luck, just keep remembering that you are worthy! Message me if you need to. <3
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About the brother getting the girl pregnant, I should add, I love my brother, I love my niece, but if I got pregnant? I'd be shamed and scolded for the rest of my LIFE!
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I can COMPLETLEY relate Mechie! I hate saying it but I feel this way towards my mom too! She loves to throw the whole "I was struggling to pay for private school for you" card and the funny thing is my brother and sisters ALL went to public school!!! I feel like a FOSTER CHILD sometimes, even to this day. I have two kids and the only time she spends with them is when she takes my daughter to church to show her off. She won't take my son bcuz of his autism, but loves to brag about him to her co-workers and how she does this and that for him, bcuz my 2nd older sister has down syndrome, so she knows whats best for him. Hmph…yeah whateverhttps://www.studioveena.com/img/smilies/icon_e_confused.gif. I live with her, but I don't have a job as yet, so I clean, pitch in for bills when I can (using my sons SSI check https://www.studioveena.com/img/smilies/icon_e_sad.gif ðŸ˜‰ and she FOREVER has something to complain about me NOT doing right. I wash the dishes and instead of saying "thank you Eboni" she tells me about how she had ALREADY washed the dishes earlier and I need to clean up after my kids more often!!! My kids and I eat off paper plates so I KNOW we're not making the mess!!! If I give her money towards a bill, she forgets the very next day and starts crabbing about how she does everything on her OWN!!! Believe me I'm in your shoes right now and the only way I deal with it (until my BF and can afford to move) is deal with her MISSERY and pray CONSTANTLY cuz I know I've been doing all the good I can. You inbox me anytime as well, its an annoying situation but soon you're able to just ignore it all and move forward like I TRY to.
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Thank you Ladies for those who left message and who send me a msg to my inbox~~
I feel so blessed to have found StudioVeena…is not only a place for me to learn pole but also to a place to find "connections" with people…Sometimes we all get so busy with work and life…we also feel lonely even though we deal with people on a day to day basis.
Thanks again~~If ANY lady ever want to vent…My Inbox welcomes you with an open arm!!! https://www.studioveena.com/img/smilies/icon_heart1.gif~~HUGS~~~ https://www.studioveena.com/img/smilies/icon_heart1.gif
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You are an awesome daughter and your mother is truly blessed. https://www.studioveena.com/img/smilies/icon_e_smile.gif So, you shouldn't feel guilty about cutting your mom off financially. Your help is a temporary fix. It's like a drug. You are actually not really helping her. You are enabling her to continue to be dependent on you.
I know where you are coming from because the same things have happened to me with my mom, dad, and sister, lol. I am in debt now because of all of the money I've given to each of them. This has been going on for years. They never pay you back, in fact, each of them have this attitude like they are entitled to my money because we're family. https://www.studioveena.com/img/smilies/icon_eek.gif
I cut my mom and dad off, thankfully, but still help my sister, because she's a single mom https://www.studioveena.com/img/smilies/icon_e_sad.gif (boo hoo). It's debilitating, exhausting, and it weakens your spirit. They're like leeches seriously. From experience please do yourself a favor and stop giving her money. Practice saying the word "NO" in the mirror and get use to it. You will need to say it to her about a zillion times before she actually believes it, although she may never, but don't give in. Her problems are not your problems. Be strong, tell her you don't have any money, sorry…
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I'm sorry to hear about that. I can only imagine your frustration. It's hard because parents are supposed to be these loving, trustworthy individuals but sometimes, that's just not the case. Parents can use their children like pawns and it's unfortunate. My mother basically used me as a servant growing up. She was never kind to me.
I went away for college and I paid for everything myself from the age of 18. I would rarely speak to my mother. Now that I'm older and I have a successful career where I make more money than she does, she thinks I "owe her" something. And if she sends me a card with ten dollars, oh man, I better call her up right away and shower her with gratitude.
We had a major falling out last month and I've decided I'm done with her. I always felt that she was my mother and I should try for the sake of trying. But since I cut it off with her, I've never felt better. Sometimes instead of being supportive, parents just drag you down. It sounds like your mom has a shopping addiction and by lending her money, you're fueling the fire. Maybe suggest she see a counselor.
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It is sad when our parents feel entitled to having what we have, in that negative way. I can totally understand this. In high school I spent three months working at an internship, waking up early in the summer (that was a huge deal to me lol), and was looking forward to the stipend. Weeks passed and nothing arrived. I kept complaining to my mom about how long it was taking until one day I finished my rant with, "I'm just going to call and find out what is taking so long!" And she took the phone from me. She had already spent it. I was furious, and, not surprisingly, a bad child for it.
Worst part? If she told me she wanted it, I would have been so proud to have been able to give my mom something that I worked for.
It sounds like you are willing to do everything to help your mother, but in this case, it sounds like it will only hurt you and your relationship. She only asks it from you because she knows you will cave. Just say no. You might feel like you should just forgive and forget all that money owed–I know that's how I handled it with my mother every time–but it sounds like a huge emotional drain when you have to work so hard for your money, worrying about making ends meet. Whatever you chose, you know you have friends here that understand 🙂
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Sadly, I can also relate. I knew from an early age that my mom had screwed up priorities. We regularly had no phone, electricity, water, had our car repossessed, and got kicked out of houses because my mom didn’t pay the bills. She blew through a healthy child support check and her own paycheck, while we had a turbulent, unstable homelife. The non-stop drama was not limited to financial worries in our house. She takes zero accountability for anything, even if it requires changing history.
For years I gave her the benefit of the doubt because she is my mom. I just kept her at a distance to limit the crazy she could drag me into. It was still always exhausting (even now living 3,000 miles away) worrying about how she was, or where she was going to live next month. She is also a fan of the guilt trip. After another series of dramatic episodes I finally had to break off contact.
It’s ok for you to honestly identify her behavior and lay down some boundaries. If she can’t respect them, then you have to do what’s best for you. Don’t feel bad about sticking up for yourself, or doing what is healthy for you. I know it’s difficult, but she is taking advantage of you, and that is not ok. She needs to stop it.
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I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this…
My sister's boyfriend is in the same situation with his mother. They are going on a vacation that SHE planned for a "family reunion." The vacation is next week and she bailed her youngest daughters boyfriend out of jail 5 days ago and proceeded to tell my sister and her boyfriend that they will discuss payment for the cabin rental for vacation…. She is leaving them to foot the bill and this is not the first time this has happened. She will go up to visit and complain the entire time. They pay for everything when she visits and she asks him for money during the year as well…
There is not much you can do for this situation, besides totally standing your ground and saying no.. But that is easier said then done.
I know that I would do the same thing if I were in your situation…
Keep your head up gorgeous
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I understand. It’s sad when my chore growing up was to get the mail. My mum said get the mail so your dad doesn’t see the bills, & my dad said get the mail so your mom doesn’t get any catalogs.
Phone calls are literally anxiety attack. Growing up my mum said its just bill collectors, don’t answer it, it will only cause your dad & I fight.
When I grew up and started making money she demanded all of it because she gave me everything. She would take my money & claim it was for utilities & they would be shut off. I always went to pay station to pay afterwards. When I moved out she did the same thing to my sisters.
I have no idea how she can … Bad thoughts. But now she’s married to a man worst than her. I try to be quiet when she vents (I want to roll my eyes & said this is exactly how you are & were) its sad because he is purposely sabatoges their credit for a house purchase. Because he’s jealous. Or at least that’s what he claims.
I wish she either did better at establishing a healthy relationship with her family (my sisters, other relatives) or didn’t ingrain guilt. We finally have to save ourselves from unhealthy relationships, we know that now, but fall prey to American pop culture of ‘it all works out in the end’ and we have hope. -
There is hope, but even if your mom never gets her act together; it's still not your problem. Think about it like this, would you let a stranger take advantage of you like this? Would you let a friend you just met put you in a financial bind because they claimed to be in financial straits? It's not like she's disabled, blind, or hospitalized. No, she's trifling, irresponsible, unproductive, and an overall "hot mess." It's hard to hear and it's hard for me to say these things about my family, but it's true.
When I stood firm and stopped being one of the many financial saviors for my mom and dad there was a strong backlash against me from them, from the other members in my family, their friends, and the people at church and in the community. How dare I? Who do you think you are? How could you? Oh, it doesn't get easier from here. It gets worse before it ever gets better. I had been providing for them for so long that they didn't know how to provide for themselves or just were to plain lazy to try. I had created little monsters and didn't even know it. I thought I was helping.
Now that I've made this decision and stuck to it (at least with my mom and dad), I'm a lot happier now. My family doesn't resent me. They understand and have apologized to me for this burden. Everyone has come around and I'm a stronger person because of it. I can say "I love you" and mean it and I keep an open communication with them, no problem, but it wasn't overnight.
The only way your mom will get better is if she wants to and many people have to hit rock bottom before they realize that. When you bail her out of these situations, you're enabling her to continue this cycle of dysfunction. It's like giving drugs to an addict. Trust me, I've been there and have talked to a therapist and even a psychiatrist about this. It's time for some tough love.
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