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“Just the way they are…”
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Just to clarify, I was using the term loser in a win/lose context. You win if something positive comes out of the situation. You lose if all it does is take your time, create stress and make relationships with those around you harder.
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If someone is being "bullied", I would definetely stand up for them. However, I wouldnt do it by calling the mean person out, and start a fight, or use the word bitch. I feel that, that is very negative, and the victim, is most likey sad or hurt, and my own rudeness (which it is for me, if I get nasty to protect someone) is not going to make that person feel better. I usually just tell the person causing rudeness, that I feel sorry for their negativity and I hope that they will find a bit more self-security some day.I dont say that to be degrading, but because I honestly hope so. And thats that. I dont let it get to me, because if I cant control myself, Im not showing the victim, that it really doesnt matter if someone feels the need to be mean.
I understand why you would get angry, rude people have a tendency to get under people's skin, and this is not the first post I have seen from you, where rude people have made you sad/angry. Like webby said, this has taken time away from you and thats a pity, because you know, you are never getting that back. Saying "thats just the way they are" is most likely true. A woman in my class, was out to get me, for the first 3 months of the year, for reasons I never understood. I told myself, that it was her, thats the way she is/needs to be – for some reason. So I ignored her as best as I could, until she realized that I was no fun. She went over to the next one, who ended up coming to me for advice (im in the student council) I then told her, how I delt with it and she started to ignore her. Now that woman, only has her sister to talk to in school, because she had been mean to so many people for no other reason than her own lack of self-worth. I truly hope that she will find a way to feel better or to understand why she is doing this, because the only feeling I have for her, is genuine pitty.
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I agree with webby on this. I can’t be bothered to get into a confrontation with that type of person. They generally won’t take any constructive criticism and will laugh the confrontation off. I’m not wasting my time on a wasted cause. You can’t polish a turd!
Just the way they are to me isn’t an excuse, it means exactly what is says. It’s the polite way of calling somebody a twat without quite saying it/ going in depth and wasting time analysing why they might be one.
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Preach it! haha No but seriously, I have some experiece in this area and like you, it floored me that other people defended this person with the excuse "that's just the way they are" because I took that to mean that what they were doing was being dismissed by others, and I felt like they didn't care that someone was treating me badly. This made me not want to let it go because I wanted to stand up for myself. But the thing is, at the same time I KNEW spending time thinking about it was harmful to me and I really didn't want to be a bitter person. So in my opinion, I say, tell that person what you need to say constructively. Whatever you need to say. And after that, let it go. I am a strong believer in choosing how I feel at all times. I don't like being at the effect of everything that's going on around me, and that's the problem here. You can't just always be at a "reactive" stand point. This is where acceptance comes in. There really isn't anything you can do. The only person you can control is yourself. So if you feel like you need to stand up for yourself and set some boundaries….that's perfectly fine in my opinion. And like I said, after that CHOOSE your thoughts. Don't allow yourself to stay upset, because that harms you. And that is why we need to let things go. Not because the other person gets away with it, but for yourself. Also, remember this…everyone is pretty much living in their own little world…so don't take everything too personal. They don't have the same mindset as you, the same experiences, etc. Maybe they just really are that stupid. haha Or maybe they lack empathy because their life has been different than yours. Whatever makes them "just the way they are" like it or not, you're going to have to accept it. But I believe 100% in standing up for one's self as well. So do that, and move on. But don't let it mess with your head.
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Truth be told, my deadly sin has probably always been Wrath. I’d like to say I’m getting better at dealing w/ it, but I find that since people have no qualms about telling me how I ought to be that I must have a right to my own opinion too. Maybe it doesn’t change anything, maybe it doesn’t mean a damn to anyone but me, but at least I didn’t hold it in or project it onto anybody that didn’t deserve it. I used to do that more than half my life and I find that being passive never served me well. It’s poisonous to me.
And, a lot of the time, when I come to the defense of others it is really just because I am so sick of seeing people be ugly to each other without consequence. Karma really takes too long sometimes and, seriously, why tolerate that kind of abuse? They get so accustomed to not having their perceived superiority over others challenged that it’s kind of refreshing to prove them wrong from time-to-time.
Still…I’ll admit, you can’t spell “apathetic” or “empathetic” w/out the word “pathetic”.
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Omg “You can’t polish a turd!” I am dying laughing over here! Tears! Roflmfao my girlfriend says “It’s like a sore dick, you can’t beat it!” Omg my stomach hurts!!
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I feel you Serzi, I do. I have had to deal with this Queen Bee thing with some of the "hooper cliques" in town. But I did eventually come to realize, that they are just selfish people that probably don't even know they hurt my feelings, and if they DO know, they probably don't care. Allowing them to take up space in my mind and life is not what is most beneficial to me. There are the natural inklings to feel justified, validated, or just to get even. Even does not exist, and often, justified or validated will just leave you always on the lookout for some apology, or grand revalation from the offending person. I went to a class recently on dealing with difficult people. My favorite part was when they said "Evict people from your mind that aren't paying rent". As in, if they are giving you nothing positive, contributing nothing to your life, then any thoughts on them are allowing them to subtract from your life. But when it is your life, as hard as it is sometimes, you control the math. I took 6 months away from the hoop community to heal from my experiences. Even when I went back to hooping, I avoided my own city like the plague to avoid "the mean girls". Then I realized how many awesome people I was missing because of the few bad apples. I realized I wanted to be in the community, I just had to set boundaries on what I will and will not tolerate, and remove myself from a situation and evict the situation/person from my mind if need be. I have a hoop workshop with Tiana Zoumer in June. The first time I will be face to face with the old "gang" again. And I don't care. If Queen Bee wants to try and exact some kind of weird imagined authority, I can simply look around me, look up to the sky, and KNOW that I have the exact same right to be here. I am love, I am light, I am STRONG, and I deserve to build my life as I want it. And yes, I truly hope that the insecurities and whatever else gives these few people their sense of entitlement, finds some kind of closure. I hope they learn to laugh, love, play, and just enjoy life instead of trying to win "the popular vote of the people" through manipulation and bullying. I really hope you can connect with yourself, find your strength, and rise above the Aholes. <3
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Boy, Dwiizie, I feel you! I had a VERY similar experience in the hoop community, with someone I thought was my friend and who became very insecure with/about me. I took a hiatus from facebook and then deleted her and most of those associated with her from my life. I need space in my life for those who love me back, and that toxicity had taken up entirely too much of my time and emotion. What a waste! We don't associate at all now, but I can also hold my head high and know I have every right to be who I am and where I am, too.
I learned from it…I was totally naive, because HOOPERS, like Yogis, aren't supposed to be competitive and catty, are they?! Much less, they're supposed to be enlightened and all. :/ But it can happen in any group.
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People are definitely interesting (those hoopers sure have a knack for making you believe you have a magical transformation circle free of personality conflicts and social dynamics lol. I guess in a way, you do, but OY!). It is curious though, how it seems the people that can be the most insensitive, uncompassionate, negative people, are the ones who are ALL ABOUT preaching about love and being positive and helping your fellow man. Hippies, Yogis, religious types, the all peaceful hooper, the PLUR (peace, love, unity, respect) electro dance and burner crews. Self responsibility is all I can try and maintain. Trying to change others is futile. Wishing for or expecting change is also a big time waster. We are all on our own path, and I hope that everyone's eventually leads them to a place of love and acceptance. I DO wish the best for those people (or try to in some cases, I'm not perfect) but there are some that remain blocked on Facebook just because my path is not able to mingle with theirs without a complete derailment of my own ability to turn my light on. I have to be strong, whole, and healthy, for the good of myself, and to be of any good to anyone else.
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I agree, I saw the same thing. Peace, love, compassion preaching and all that…those tend to be the ones not living it. Wierd, huh? That's now a pet peeve of mine and a big red flag, lol. Totally agree with what you said, and I will derail too, which is why I distance myself. xoxo
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Idk, apparently we all have very different encounters w/ rude people or it works differently for different people. I go w/ what has worked for me.
It seems that telling people off or just making sure they know I’m not going to lay down and play dead everytime they start shit has been better for my psyche than the whole “pretend it doesn’t bother you”, “just ignore them”, “don’t waste your breath” approach. Been there, done that. Either I’m just plain doing it wrong or my mind lacks the dilligaf mechanism you all seem to have. Count yourselves very fortunate that it works for you, my inner peace seems to come only after some outward expression or it will build up and explode. My “let it go” does not exist without some sort of action.
Pole helps this, I am happy to say, but in a setting where I know I should call it like I see it I often take the opportunity because it’s direct and quicker.
Exhibit A: Chick constantly has a chip on her shoulder because she has zero patience for anyone outside her clique. She pushes the boundaries to see how nasty she can be. I tell her, flat out, “Don’t look at me in that tone unless you’re prepared to hear it. You got something to say?” Her eyes bug out of her head, she stammers, and then takes a step back. Avoids me from that point on and I no longer have eyes burning a hole in my back everyday. Life just got easier despite the adrenaline rush I inevitably need to recover from afterward. I’d rather feel a bit ill for a day rather than every single day trying to pretend I don’t notice or care.
Exhibit B: Loud, obnoxious douche who thinks and speaks highly of himself, but insults everyone else daily. He is particularly homophobic and obviously sexually frustrated because no women are quite as charmed by him as he is w/ himself. One day, I tell him so. I do so in a way that is as public as all his prior insults, but considerably more calm and honest. He spouts off a bunch of inaccurate observations about me, I laugh, he storms off. The next day he puts in his two-week notice, he is placed on a shift opposite of me, and I never see or hear from him again.
Exhibit C: I am new to a job. I say “Hello.” to one of my new co-workers, they ignore me. I continue to say “Hello.” just to see if the response will change. It doesn’t. While walking w/ another co-worker in the hall, we come upon the one that ignores me everyday. In mid- conversation, I work in: “…and there’s that guy who can’t see or hear me because he’s too HIGH!” This jolts the red-eyed jackass, quite possibly because he is genuinely baked and now quite paranoid. He acknowledges me from that day on.
These are just a few examples of how my reactivity has benefited me. It doesn’t always go quite so smoothly, it really is not how I like to behave, but it is a way to cope that often has given me more positive results than doing the “ignore them and they go away eventually” or “karma” approach.
Like I said, maybe I’m doing it wrong.
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