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Mislead Overprotective Boyfriend
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And Wiley I definitely agree that he is worried about other guys being sexually attracted to me. He is even legitimately concerned that I will get a stalker or two. Luckily, he doesn’t try to control me other areas for the most part. So I know he will come around eventually J.
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Well, I'm glad you've made a little progress for now, but it still seems very controlling that he has all these constraints and rules he wants to put on you about it. And as long as he's paying for your classes, you are giving him that power to call those shots.
My suggestion is to pay for your own classes, then post pix and vid wherever the hell you want to. If you simply can't afford to and you insist on allowing him to pay for your classes, then you will have to suck it up and obey any rules he lays down about it. Be prepared for there to be more rules and stricter rules as your skill improves. He will tighten the thumbscrews every so often as long as you're still letting him think he's in charge of you. I can't recommend strongly enough the value of paying your own way so you can be in charge of yourself.
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my ex boyfriend was the same…..
but now im in the opposite situation, my new boyfriend is TOO MUCH interrested by my pole fitness involvement
he even called off from work to come to my competition in september , I mean i am happy he's supportive but it stress me more than anything that he s following me everywhere
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Just a word of advice: a boyfriend who is controlling and doesn't want you to get attention from other guys likely has some self-esteem issues as well. He should want you to shine the way you deserve to. A friend of mine just left a boyfriend like this, whom she was dating for ~10 years, because he didn't like when she dressed a certain way as she is very attractive and would attract attention from other men and didn't like her going to the gym — God forbid another man might notice her or even talk to her.
I'm not in anyone else's situation so I can't possibly know everything, but I don't think anyone should have to feel restricted or feel constrained to someone else's "rules"
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Lindsay Love:
No boyfriend, husband, or any other kind of significant other has the right to "allow" you to do anything. You are a grown woman who can do as she pleases, and especially the things that make you feel fulfilled and happy. You also deserve respect and someone who admires everything about you, including your poling. True support isn't toleration of your hobby, it's encouragement and pride in your hard work and accomplishments. Anyone who gives you anything less doesn't deserve to be a part of those things. I would not tolerate my boyfriend thinking that paying for my classes or being in a relationship with him gave him the right to dictate for who/when/where/why I pole. AND I definitely wouldn't dance for him! He doesn't deserve it! That's extremely selfish and unfair considering his negativity towards your hobby in the first place.
I am not judging you nor can I truly judge your relationship without knowing you or your boyfriend, but from what you've shared I can say that you should definitely remember that the only person who can really choose your path and happiness is yourself, the people you bring along for the ride should deserve to be there walking beside you, not holding you back or dragging you somewhere.
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I agree with everything said here. Just one more thing I'd like to add though (something I used in an argument).
I have a guy friend who touts himself as super progressive 'n open-minded and whatnot. Talking to him about pole dancing was always fine. Then one day I mentioned chair play lessons and stuff. Out of nowhere he was like "I can see how you can pull off pole dancing as exercise, but chair? Come ON. this is only destigmatized because it's for 'fitness'."
The point that got across to him was, no matter what the dancing or exercise, it's not "just stripping lessons" if it's for you. Sure, we might post videos because we're proud, or want some constructive criticism, but there's no audience we "need". And maybe we use this on our sig others, but haha, really, you should have some arsenal for that in the first place. =P (Hopefully!) The viewer has no power over what we do. And because of that, choosing to do pole dancing instead of any other hobby is just that — a hobby, an art form, a passion — that has to do with no one else.
Even if I were stripping or dancing for money or an audience…as long as I'm the one who wants to do it, and that's common knowledge now, destigmatize it already!
Anyway, a bit off topic, but I kind of had to get it out there once I was reminded of this friend. Who I'm not really great friends with any more for other reasons. Reasons including that thinking about him always gets me worked up and angry!…which wastes a lot of my time. =P Energy vampires, begone.
Allll thatttt said, stalkers are scary. But avoiding stalkers means avoiding any public exposure of even any pictures, so…impossible. =P
My boyfriend is supportive of my pole habit, even though I have a rule that he can never watch. 🙂 (Maybe one day, for a special occasion…)
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I love this thread; we've got such strong women on StudioVeena! Looks like you've got tons of great advice already so I will just reiterate that you should do what you have to and be true to yourself, whatever that means to you 🙂
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My boyfriend is the exact same.. I posted a video on facebook and youtube and he wasnt happy at all. We got into a really big argument about it and i tried to tell him i only do it for fitness..in the end he made me delete certain photos of pole dancing off facebook but i kept the video up just as a revenge thing… Been with him for 3 years and ive considered breaking up over it…
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just be who you are.
do what makes you comfortable and happy.
if he has a problem with it- if he does not like who you are- he can get the ^&*( out!
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I had a boyfriend like that. I didn't even pole at the time but just me walking was too slutty. Notice i said HAD.
Now I have a wonderful husband who loves me for me.
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Hmm, I've had a boyfriend that hated me pole dancing in public (competitions, pole jams etc). But my current fella is amazingly supportive, he drove me to my first competition and helps out alot at the university club I attend, he really helped calm my nerves about peforming too ( i could never dance for him – his mum is an ex pro ballerina and his brother is a dancer that owns a number of schools, so he knows quite a bit, so i was worried what he would think of my own ability. But i wowed him!! ).
Im not sure how to change peoples perceptions on this dance form as it does have sleazy connotations and on top of that there are men out there that are uncomfortable with a woman that is very attuned to her own sexuality. However my parents, aunts, uncles. cousins and my grandmother love it and all have had a go on my pole, and ask me to do certain tricks. I think for men have to try it to understand that it is a combination of grace and strength. e.g. shoulder mounts/ flag/dead lifts etc. and to show them the physiques and peformances of some of the professional dancers.
Unfortunately there will always be those that are stuck in their own way of thinking – but i think you should always do what makes you happy and if someone wants to understand you let alone love you, they will accept that this dance is a part of you and will support you.
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You really dont need to prove anything to him. If he is so jealous over your choice of sport imagine what else he can be jealous of. This type of guy will suffocate you and be jealous of everything you do. So do your thing!! In the end what matters is what makes you happy 🙂
Do for you. Never EVER sacrifice something you love for a man. Besides, succeeding in pole dancing will most probably make you happier than he ever will….just a thought 🙂
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regarding what you wrote about posting on youtube and posting on veena…
i have a youtube and like 85% of the views are from WOMEN AGED 30-40!!! and i only have like 100 views total of about 20 videos. just thought i'd mention, because i thought for sure guys would be checkin out the pole dance, but it seems that it's mostly women like us watching pole vids on youtube! haha!
also- i think it should be stated that just bc your dude isnt all excited about your hobby doesnt mean you should dump him immediatley. people come from different backgrounds and sometimes it takes time for opinions to shift. also, as people grow and mature, they sometimes lose insecurities. what's really important is trust. he's just going to have to trust you.
and if he doesnt…
he can the ^&*)&^(*)_)*& out!!!
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I don’t “ask” my mans permission, he doesn’t need to “let” me do what I want to… I’m pretty sure my man is my man and not my father 😉 just sayin 😉
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While compromise is important to relationships, there is one thing we women should always remember:
You ALONE own your sexuality. Whether or not you are in a sexual relationship with someone else, it is yours to do with as you please.
I have a big problem with people who treat their partners like possessions instead of people. And that is exactly what happens when one partner tries to put limits on the other partner's sexuality out of jealousy. It's one thing to be concerned about your partner's safety – that s/he might pick up stalkers, invite dangerous attention, or even jeopardize their professional reputation – but it's another thing to be concerned that someone else might even *look* at your partner with sexual attraction.
To try to keep other people from being sexually attracted to your partner is not only absurd and hopeless, but very possessive and territorial, and in some cases can even constitute abuse. One of the keystones of abuse is the abuser making an effort to isolate his/her victim from friends, family, and even the public. It isn't always, but can be a slippery slope from "I don't want anyone else to see you in skimpy clothes" to "I don't want anyone else to see you at all." It's not just jealousy, it's control. Relationships should be based on mutual respect, and trying to own your partner's body and sexuality by placing limits and restrictions on them is disrespectful. Period. End of sentence.
One huge red flag I've seen in this thread, and elsewhere, is boyfriends/husbands who don't want anyone else to see you dancing or being sexy but are OK with, or enthusiastic about, you dancing just for them. This is controlling behavior. This is him claiming ownership of your body and your sexuality and establishing it as his property and his alone. This is him diminishing you as a person, stripping you of your agency, your responsibility, and your sovereignty, and not treating you as an equal. Andt this is not a decision he gets to make.
Be very clear with your men, ladies. Your body is yours before it is anyone else's, and what you do with it, what you show and don't show, is ultimately your decision. If you offer it to him to play with and pleasure, this is something you do of your own free will, NOT because you are obligated to do so. Access to your body, visual or physical or otherwise, is a privilege, not a right. A man who cannot understand and respect this is not a man you want to waste time on. Seriously. Even if you love him, even if you've been together for years and years, even if he is good to you in every other way.
That said, I generally find that pole dancers in relationships are usually quite conscious of their partners' feelings and show respect to their partners by choosing not to be "slutty" – not wearing super-skimpy or blatantly sexy clothes, not performing for others or poling in pulic, not posting videos or photos (or only those that aren't intentionally sexy), etc. If this is your own decision and you do it out of respect for your man's feelings, that's great – that is you being autonomous and respectful of your monogamy by not intentionally inviting sexual attention from others. But if you do it because you fear the repercussions, because he forced you to or threatened some sort of retaliation (like breaking up with you) if you didn't comply, because he wants or demands it of you, or even if you "just want to make him happy" – that's different. It's not autonomy, it's coercion. Please don't let yourself be manipulated.
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