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Mislead Overprotective Boyfriend
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Pankake said it perfectly. I am no one to judge either, but this is a very slippery slope when the partner has so many rules about this. My husband is a police officer-very much used to being in control, but he knows he can't control me if he wants to keep me! Even if he paid for my lessons, it would still be okay for me to pole. A pole is on my Xmas list-he doesn't care as long as it makes me happy!
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I dated a controlling guy for over 7 years. He made me quit cheerleading because guys that based me in college could see up my skirt. He thought when I perform bellydance, guys would hit on me. I realized that dancing and performing was a part of me and this guy didn’t actually love me but loved the idea of me. Wanting to change the performer in me was like wanting to change me. Well, eventually I broke up with him. Now I am dating a fabulous supportive guy that completely understands. He works in the fitness industry and has supported every move and even encouraged my certification and my teaching pole. I feel so much happier that I can be myself around him. I feel happy he loves and accepts the real me. It’s been 4 years! I think you should look into if this guy really loves you or just wants to control you.
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I dated a controlling guy for over 7 years. He made me quit cheerleading because guys that based me in college could see up my skirt. He thought when I perform bellydance, guys would hit on me. I realized that dancing and performing was a part of me and this guy didn’t actually love me but loved the idea of me. Wanting to change the performer in me was like wanting to change me. Well, eventually I broke up with him. Now I am dating a fabulous supportive guy that completely understands. He works in the fitness industry and has supported every move and even encouraged my certification and my teaching pole. I feel so much happier that I can be myself around him. I feel happy he loves and accepts the real me. It’s been 4 years! I think you should look into if this guy really loves you or just wants to control you.
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I'm wondering what you believe would be a good compromise in this situation? Do you think there can even be a compromise, where she can stay true to herself but meet her boyfriend halfway? These questions aren't rhetorical, could someone please answer.
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I was a dancer in a strip club for 4 years in college and 2 years after I left the industry is when I discovered pole (there was only 1 pole in my club and we all HATED that stage). In fact, I'm one of the few girls around who actually WAS a stripper – so I feel like I have an especially keen insight on the subject.
Pole dancing in the strip club is based on 2 things – Men and Money. Period. You do the moves that the men like and then they give you the money. Girls don't work this hard in the club because it makes you sweaty and smelly and causes your makeup to run and it's tough to sell private dances in this condition. 😉 Girls don't go upside down in the club because nude, upside down boobies are not cute (apparently) – but in the pole dancing world, the invert is something we all aspire toward. Instead of it being about the men and the money, suddenly it's all about US – the women.
In the strip club, the men own the pole. In the pole dancing world, women own the pole. Am I making sense?
So, as much as we try to say "it's just excercise" or "it doesn't have to be sexual" and even though these statements can be true but …my question is – even if it IS sexual…so what?
As a woman, you have a right to be sexy, to be sexual, to be fit, to have fun, to strive for your goal and share it with others. Pole will ALWAYS be sexy because it was built to be exactly that.
I hope your boyfriend can learn to dig it…and understand that you feeling sexy, doing what you love and being happy is not only good for you…it's good for HIM!
So, I guess I'm really not here to give you any advice on your boyfriend – just here to give you support, whatever you decide to do and let you know that you rock, no matter what.
I hope you two can reach a compromise that keeps you both comfortable and working toward your dreams.
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To answer Jemmie…
Sure, compromise is possible. Two people in a relationship can sit down and hammer out some rules that they both agree on. In fact, that's encouraged, because it involves discussion, compassion, understanding each other's feelings and finding a balance.
What's NOT cool is for one partner to impose rules on the other, unconditionally, without a respectful discussion and mutual decision. When I hear words like "I'm not allowed to" or "he/she won't let me," it raises red flags for me because it implies an imbalance of power in the relationship, where one person sets the rules and the other must obey. It also implies that the person setting the rules doesn't trust his/her partner.
In the case of the Jealous Pole Boyfriend (and I'm not talking specifically about the boyfriends mentioned here – think of this as a "type" of personality), he doesn't trust that his girlfriend isn't intentionally going out there seeking sexual attention. He sees pole as a sexual thing, and he feels threatened by the notion of other people seeing his girlfriend being sexual, because that could make them attracted to her, which could make them pursue her and become his competition. He may not trust that she could protect herself against advances. He feels insecure in his status as her one-and-only, and this insecurity increases when he sees her *really* enjoying what she's doing. Will she enjoy it so much she leaves him behind? Does she enjoy the dance, or the attention? How can I keep this from getting out of hand?
None of this is unreasonable by itself. Nor is it specific to men – women can feel insecure and threatened, too, if their partners are suddenly in the spotlight of a lot of other people's attention. The more insecure the person is about their status in the relationship, the more they will try to control their partner.
A good plan for the girlfriend would be:
1) Tell your man you understand his feelings and where he is coming from, and you appreciate his concern. Don't be dismissive of his fear just because you don't share it. If you were concerned about something he was doing and brought it up to him, you would expect him to take you seriously, not blow you off, right? So show him the same respect.
2) Reassure your man that he is your Number One, especially when it comes to sex. Give him your reasons for pursuing pole – and not just the practical fitness-related ones.Tell him how much fun you have, how it feels to learn a new move and see your body getting stronger, the rush of performing a really difficult trick and getting applause. Tell him it makes you feel sexy, and when you feel sexy, you think about HIM and how special he is to you, and how you love feeling and being sexy for him.
3) Invite a discussion about what reasonable steps you can take to help him feel more comfortable, and look for room to compromise. Maybe he's okay with you taking lessons but not performing. Maybe he can tolerate you performing as long as he's in the audience, too. Maybe he's concerned about the venues you're performing is – "open pole" night at a bar or club vs. a formal competition or showcase vs. Facebook & YouTube – or the outfits you wear to perform. Whatever his concerns are, hear them out without dismissing them, and brainstorm some ideas, together, that have you meeting each other halfway.
There has to be some "give" on each side, but no one should be asked to sacrifice more than they are willing. That is, don't agree to obey rules you don't agree with in the first place, because you'll just be tempted to bend or break them later, or resent him for imposing them. And keep in mind, you can ask for your own concessions too – maybe say you don't want to hear him calling you or other dancers "strippers" or "whores," even if they do dance sexily.
4) Honor your agreements. Show him you respect him and that he can trust you not to violate the boundaries you've established together. If you agreed not to put videos of yourself dancing on YouTube, then don't. Once you've spent some time and gotten comfortable with the new boundaries, you may even be able to revisit the conversation with him — "Now that I've been poling for a year and my skills have advanced, I'm really interested in performing. How would you feel about that?" You might find that he's relaxed and gotten used to the idea, or is at least more open to the possibility, now that pole has become a more routine part of your life together.
This approach may not work for everyone. It won't work if the boyfriend is very set in his mind against pole and won't consider any compromises. It won't work if he continues to behave possessively even after agreements have been reached. During the compromise talk, you may bump into issues you just can't agree on. Any of these obstacles could be a dealbreaker for your relationship – that's up to YOU to decide, of course.
I still stand by my original statement, though, to be cautious of men who seem overly jealous, overly protective, or overly insecure. If he constantly needs reassurance that your relationship is solid and stable and you're not going anywhere, that's not really healthy in the long term. If he can't have a mature and rational discussion about something like this – if he just flies off the handle, or tries to manipulate or coerce you into agreeing to something you don't want to agree to, or tries to give you an ultimatum, or seems more concerned with protecting his status as your BF and not actually concerned about YOU, those are all bad signs. Not just in regards to pole but in general. I'm not saying Dump Him Immediately, but would encourage you to do some soul-searching and reflect on if this is the kind of partner, and partnership, you really want.
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^^^ applause for that right there ^^^
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Ok, I just thought the tone of this thread was too negative towards a guy we don't even know. From what I've read in your post, I think you should try communicating with him again. Maybe the communication before was not effective. Actually, I can understand where he's coming from so that's why I'm like this. Not that I was like that before, I can just see things from his POV. Like someone said, it takes time for some people to come around. You decide whether you're willing to wait or not. Also, he may never come around. And if that is too big a problem FOR YOU then YOU decide if you want to continue this relationship. It won't be that he was a bad boyfriend if you decide to breakup (that's how you guys are making it sound on here), it would be that you guys just weren't meant to be….you won't be happy with him, but someone else will. I'm not saying that's always the case, where a guy who doesn't do well with one person will always do well with another…..some people really do have traits that will not work in a healthy relationship. But he sounds pretty human to me.
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Ok, I just thought the tone of this thread was too negative towards a guy we don't even know. From what I've read in your post, I think you should try communicating with him again. Maybe the communication before was not effective. Actually, I can understand where he's coming from so that's why I'm like this. Not that I was like that before, I can just see things from his POV. Like someone said, it takes time for some people to come around. You decide whether you're willing to wait or not. Also, he may never come around. And if that is too big a problem FOR YOU then YOU decide if you want to continue this relationship. It won't be that he was a bad boyfriend if you decide to breakup (that's how you guys are making it sound on here), it would be that you guys just weren't meant to be….you won't be happy with him, but someone else will. I'm not saying that's always the case, where a guy who doesn't do well with one person will always do well with another…..some people really do have traits that will not work in a healthy relationship. But he sounds pretty human to me.
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I think you just need to decide if this issue is a deal breaker and how happy you are with the relationship in general. In my experience, negotiation and communication about this simply didn’t work. It may in your case… Try it. It’s worth a shot! ;). I must add though, I would never have dated my current wonderful bf had I just settled with the other one.
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Latest news on the issue… I just told him about my first showcase coming up. I was really excited about it and didn't think it would be a big deal at all. He got mad at me because I didn't ask if he was ok with it before signing up. Which he isn't because he is insecure about me dancing in front of people in skimpy clothes (even though I explained it is soley for friends and family to see your progress). Long story short this has turned into a few hour long battle. I do love him, but I want to be with someone that supports me in what I do. He is hurt because I'm not taking his opinion into consideration. He states that he wants us to be partners in everything we do. The thing that he is not understanding is that this is not about him. This is my hobbie in which he can support me or not. I actually did bring the break up words up. He is now sad that he is "disposable" over something like this. But it isn't just about this. I want to live my life without someone dictating what I can and can't do. If he still wants to be with me then he is going to have to accept the fact that this is not up for discussion.
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Hi Lindsey,
Only you really know what the best for you is and what you are willing to accept. It sounds like he has significant insecurities and control issues. It is a wonderful thing to have someone support you in your hobbies and passions, something he clearly doesn't seem able to do.
If you go forward with the showcase I hope you have a blast and maybe he will come around.
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Wow, your BF sounds just like my ex…
I hope things turn out OK for you. I hope you enjoy the showcase!
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