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Pole Dancing…And Depression.
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Shadow, as has become apparent, you are not alone. Depression is a very common problem (yes, even for your age group!) and the stigma that surrounds it still is absolutely ridiculous. I have experienced many types of depression: situational, hormonal, chemical and seasonal. It runs in the family.
Depression is highly personal, what is right for one can be absolutely wrong for another. We also have different patterns to our depression. For me ensuring I stick to a basic routine of meeting my basic needs helps prevent me from spiraling down. I’ve also learnt that being inactive while in a bad depressive attack doesn’t help me. It makes it so much worse. I have to mentally yell and scream at myself to get out of the chair. Even if I do something as mundane as folding washing, it helps. Eating meals on time, getting out of bed, drinking enough water, it helps. It’s tiny tiny things. Maybe it’s just me but I beat myself up more when depressed so by doing these things I have less to beat myself up over!
I second what Runemist said about “inviting it in”. Depression is exhausting, fighting it even more so. I can do things to help not make it worse because let’s face it, lying in bed while the house is a pig sty isn’t contributing to a positive mental state lol, but the depression is still there. So, I remind myself it will get at least a bit better at some point and just ride this wave and it’ll die out when it is so inclined. I can help it along by having a structured routine, making myself do things I know I normally enjoy (maybe to a lesser degree), and a healthy sleep routine. It’s taken me many years to draw up a plan of “self care” which works for me. I’ve accepted that sometimes I can be active and still not feel better however it passes the time which is helpful. It’s a small victory but a victory it still is.
Poling has proved to be my saviour mentally, even though it takes a heavy toll on my health condition. Even if I don’t feel better after, I’m having to focus so entirely on what I’m doing I’m distracted from thinking, “I’m hurting so much right now.” Physical activity can definitely give you a boost and poling is empowering which is good when you feel like this. I find music can affect my mood too. Sometimes I’m so miserable and hurting I just blast out the saddest songs and just embrace it. It still surprises me how therapeutic that can be! It’s a bit like holding in tears and emotion, it’s exhausting keeping it dammed upside. It’s better to just let it go under controlled circumstances rather than exhaust ourselves trying to contain it.
Learn also when to make yourself do something (like go out with friends) and when to recognise you’re best staying at home. I’ve had times when I’ve dragged myself out to socialise and it hasn’t paid off. I’ve regretted it and wish I had stayed home. There just comes times when I am so deep down in the shaft of depression, wallowing in the mud, bruised and broken, the last thing I need is to deal with navigating the challenge of being social and trying to be cheery and socially correct and deal with people being idiots. When I’m that bad, nothing from my friends/family will comfort me, activities won’t help. I just have to wait it out. I know some people say rely on your friends/family when you’re that low but I find in certain situations it doesn’t help. It takes a very wise loved one to walk this fine balance of supporting you but leaving you alone to breath and recover and keeping an eye on you.
Depression takes a lot of self knowledge and awareness. It will teach you some brutal lessons. It will teach you many skills and coping mechanisms. I know this doesn’t negate your suffering, I know this. Do not be afraid to try medication. Do not be afraid of anything, in fact. This sounds very strange, I know. I can’t make any promises that your depression will just one day go and never come back, of course I hope it does, but I can say that fear makes depression worse. Don’t fear it, when it visits we can learn from it and grow as a person. If we have a self care plan to fall back on, it’s less frightening and we can manage as best as we can.
Mindfulness, yoga/stretching, cognitive behavioural therapy, sunlight, meditation, medication, a good diet, regular exercise, therapy, regular scheduled sleep, avoiding alcohol (it’s a depressive), some natural supplements, a self care plan (including a crisis one), a structured routine and stress management/reduction have all proven helpful for many many people. Low energy activities which we normally find pleasurable (reading, drinking cocoa before bed, lighting candles, adult colouring books, happy TV/Movies etc) It’ll take trial and error, find what works for you, to what degree, when to use it and build it all into your self care plan.
As for educating others, I recommend having website resources or print offs/hand outs you can give to people. Explaining depression can be very tiring and we often can’t find the words. People usually ask when we’re having an attack too, I find.
I am sorry you have to live with this in your life. I understand your pain, I really do.
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