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Pole and the Work Place Drama
I know this has probably been discussed numerous times in these threads, sorry I'm making another one! I had an incident the other day at work and I don't know of any safer place than here to talk about it.
My boss called me into the office the other day (I thought I was getting a raise, boy was I wrong) and she started out by saying, "This is going to be awkward for you, and it will be awkward for me." Immediately I was on the defense thinking, "OMG what's going on?" She sat down and said, "Someone made a complaint about you, are you a pole dancer". I was SHOCKED! I didn't want to lie so I was like, "Yes, I am. But I do it for exercise". She said it was a violation of ethics if I was doing it in public, or making money from it. She was nice about it and said, "Be careful who you trust here". I admitted I do it for exercise and do it at home, but I wasn't about to tell her I teach it or anything else. A few people at work knew, but they were all women who I trusted. I think I went through every stage of grief in a matter of minutes. Anger, denial, depression.
I was so frazzled and so upset, I ended up quitting my job at the studio, which I didn't want to do, because I was so upset that I'd lose my normal job if anyone found out. I took every picture off facebook of me on the pole. I feel so betrayed by my coworkers, I don't know who did it, but I feel so exposed, so betrayed, so hurt and so embarrassed. I talked to my one supervisor about it and he was on my side, saying "It's nobodies business what you do in your personal life! Why would this be an issue???"
I'm even hesitant to post this here, but I just wondered if anyone else has gone through this…..
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27 Replies
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Violation of whose ethics?? What job do you do??
This is outrageous, I would get legal advice.
I work for the NHS and my management know what I do for fun (pole) they said it might be an issue if I was working as a stripper, as it might bring the service into disrepute but otherwise its not an issue. I know that it is against the code of conduct as a nurse though if you were being paid for it. However if it was in the fitness persuasion I cant see them winning a legal dispute!
What has your boss said to you about it apart from that someone has complained??
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I completely agree with Shonalancs- this is outrageous, and a violation of YOUR rights.
NO job, no matter what you do, should have any say in what you do outside of that job. I don't care what the job is, or where it is- it's a JOB.I am very, very sorry to hear that you quit your job at your studio. I understand why, but it makes me sad- you deserve to be able to teach and do what you love to do.
I would also be rather curious about where you work!
And, my job seems to like to think they can tell it's employees what they can and cannot do- honestly, if they told me that I'm not allowed to do something, ON MY OFF TIME, regardless as to whether I made money doing it (say, for example, if they forbade me from doing Burlesque), I would quit them so fast they wouldn't even see the door move. NO ONE tells me what I do with my own time.
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It's common for employers to have ethical standards agreements, as long as they don't fall afoul of EOE regulations they can generally be considered legal.
However the language is usually quite precise. My guess is that a clause is being misinterpreted. It is not uncommon to have a clause regarding employment in pornographic or adult businesses. Pole dance is provably not this, stripping is and the distinction needs to be made when you are approached about things like this.
Since your boss said "this will be uncomfortable" my guess is that he thought he was approaching you about stripping and not about a gymnastic activities.
First did your boss show you a written complaint. Was it put on record? If so you need to ask for a copy of the complaint.
Next thing I would do is ask your Boss for a copy of the ethics statement and the document you signed agreeing to it. You are legally entitled to this and you don't need a reason if he asks.
Beyond these first two steps you should consider seeking legal advice, emplyment law varies extensively from state to state. Most employment lawyers will listen to your situation for a minimal fee and offer you advice. Bare minimum this is unintentional harassment caused by your boss's misunderstanding regarding your sport. There are however a host of other possibilities, for example if you thought you were going into his office for a raise there may be those who are threatened by your performance and filed the complaint to inhibit your advancement.
It's very important to follow up on this though, if your extracurricular activities are in violation of an ethical statement you signed you need the appropriate information to make the decision thats right for you. However if they are not in violation you need to understand what your rights are so that your advancement and compensation are not unduly inhibited by someone elses moral shortcomings. Please seek legal counsel and good luck.
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^^^^ Extremely wise words ^^^^^^
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Exactly what I wanted to say webmaster…it seems employment law in the UK is easier to deal with-its across the board not dependent on county (state in the US)….this makes me angry!
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I have learned to keep my personal life separate from work. Over the years I have learned this the hard way. Less is best. Someone knifed you !!! So sorry you went through this. Also your Manager is a douche for allowing another employee to turn this into something it isn't.
Webmaster is correct. I would get a copy of any written warning. Also while it is still fresh in your mind document about the conversation and keep it for future reference. Get a copy of what you signed or what the policy is and read it. If unclear take it to a lawyer for advice.
I am sure you are hurting over the betrayal of your co worker. Sorry for you. (((((((Hugs))))))
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I was a little concerned about telling a few co-workers also, but I did. They were SHOCKED to say the least because they perceived me as quiet and "common" huh?? I told her I am and do it for fitness, she just would not drop it. I asked her to please not make a big deal of it and not use it as topic of conversation. I am a secretary at the adult school in my town so work for school district, which doesn't matter.
I went to my administrator (female vice principal) and told her about what I do. I said, "I should never have said anything to anyone, but it's out now." I showed her a couple of my pratice vids and she said there's nothing wrong with it and don't worry about it.
We have a new male principal and I'm so worried he'll find out because he's on the loud side to and I know would be "amazed". He knows I do bootcamp training and private and always working out. He's always saying things like, go get that workout in, Yolanda; did you workout? Are you working out this weekend? etc, etc, etc.
Sorry this happened to you because it's on your own time. And bummer someone "threw you under the bus". Great advice from webmaster, hope it all works out so you can enjoy poling and not feel you have to hide it. I have two facebook accounts, one for poling friends and one for personal friends/family/co-workers. I do post on my personal FB but have a list with specific people to be able to view. A couple of friends "mentioned" they blocked me from their newsfeed. One is a male who said he didn't want to be tempted, HUH!?!?!?!?!?! He mentioned skimpy clothing, WHATEVER! But he watches beach volleyball FEMALES!
People!
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I also think that Webmaster gave awesome advice and also think, as he mentioned, when you were called into the office it was for exotic pole dance and not fitness pole. I agree with everybody's input. I hope you will protect yourself by following the suggestions here.
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Thank you so much for the support and amazing advice. Webby, I think I will follow up with what you recommended. I hate that I quit so quickly without thinking it through. I think ultimately I learned a good lesson, trust no one at work. These people aren't my friends, they're coworkers don't need to know anything about me. I loved the idea Yolanda about having two separate facebook accounts. I actually went on facebook and looked up every coworker I could think of, then blocked them all so I can't be found. Is that over reacting? I don't know. Thank you guys so much for the support!!!!!!
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No that is not over reacting. I do not accept friend requests from anyone at my work on FB. I initially had a few but unfriended them a while back. Do whatever it takes to protect your personal life and privacy. Make sure to set your Photos on "Friends only" so the co workers cannot see them.
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I also learned that Facebook gossip quickly becomes work gossip and will only friend ex-coworkers, if anything. Some might try to persuade you into friending them because they somehow take it personally that you won't Facebook friend them, oh well, they'll live.
Sascha, this really sucks. I hate work drama, but there are always people that relish it. To me, this is a case of spreading rumors because of the way your poling was described was obviously not accurate. If someone had taken the time to describe your fitness hobby I bet you would have been approached with a request for lessons! 🙂 In any case, I always think that each person has a right to talk about his or her personal life as chosen, rather than have other people decide what everyone else needs to know. (aka Need to mind your own business!)
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Ahhhh!!! God you guys are so amazing. Thank you so so much for your support, I can't tell you how much it means to me. I've been seriously isolating myself from pretty much everyone at work (we do a lot of out of office things so me being gone all day isn't out of the ordinary). I'm close with two older people in the office but even them we keep it professional. I guess I just got caught up in the idea these people were my friends, we all used to go out, everyone is really friendly and stuff…..ultimately it was my own fault for opening my mouth. But now I know, and will take measures to protect my personal life. I unfriended everyone, I'm just so angry I quit my studio job, I really enjoyed that!!!!! UGH! 🙂
Thank you guys, I can't tell you how much it means to me. xoxoxxoxoxxoxo
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Why don't you talk to the studio owners and explain that you panicked but have grown from the experience and have learned not to make hasty decisions (so if they give you another chance they will know that you are reliable) and would really like to continue teaching.
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Well, they said I could come back at any time, but I think my fear lies in that I told my boss I Don't make money from it. I suppose I'm just scared because what if someone comes in who knows someone I work with, or knows my boss or something you know? I think that's what I'm most afraid of.
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Oh I see. So I guess you have to clarify what is a violation of ethics at your workplace first. Did you ever have a chance to get those details from your boss and see if he understood that you are not an exotic dancer?
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