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Pole “shame” How do you deal with it?
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Pole shame has and is an issue for me. I couldn’t believe myself that people would be so narrow-minded. I’ve stopped telling this to people, because the chance is high to be misunderstood and after a while trying to explain that it is different from sleazy club pole dance and it is mainly for fitness, I just gave up, seems better not to disclose everything. I’m a professional with a demanding position and I cannot simply undermine my credibility. Although, I so much hate to hide a part of me and something that i passionately like to do. Also, as i started it fairly late, then it hurts when something you take seriously is ridiculed and not taken as a midlife crisis whim (which i dont have). I had issues with my husband too, he didn’t get why yoga and dancing is not enough anymore and why pole. Until he talked to a colleague and she said that it is the hardest fitness programme ever 🙂 and then he started to be proud of me instead of being in shame and I got my pole… (that we call at home a fitness bar … that my young daughter wouldn’t unintentionally spread the word and be bullied for having a pole and pole dancing mom at home) 🙁
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I meant: … and taken as a midlife crisis whim
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yes thats it i love it all – the sexy dancing, connecting to my body/ body rolls n flow/ floorwork, and also i am mad about tricks and the acrobatics, but yeah i think there is still a self-consciousness ‘wall’ for me with being so nekkid haha – im totally happy with it when im on my own or class or whatever and can totally embrace being in my own skin, but then get a bit shy in front of non-polers =P whereas i was happy to show EVERYONE all my hoop and trapeze and silk clips cos theres less ass haha. (Yet, i love rolling around in my tiny shorts and feeling hot, and i want to perform when i am good enough, so that means i will be up there in pants for the world to see!)
So stupid isn’t it!!!??? i do love the provocative side of pole, and i feel like a muppet saying this haha its really hard to put into words how i can sometimes be a little embarrassed showing off something which i LOVE doing and am fiercely proud of… O.o but this is just a personal me thing – i wont take any kind of pole slander or pole shaming from anybody else haha this is totally self-imposed….
hhmm!!! funny feelings coming out here trying to express this! off to find that TED talk haha….. =P -
I’m in college right now and I fear the way future employers or schools might see me if I attach my name to pole.
If certain people close to me found out I could see them saying things like, ‘you work too hard in school to ruin it by doing something classless’ or ‘if you ever get into management no one will take you seriously.’
Surprisingly, from older people I get things like, ‘wow, that takes a lot of hard work and dedication.’
From people my age I get things like, ‘you must be an attention whore’ (farthest from the truth, I’m a wallflower and give people no indication that I pole dance in Facebook or out in public), ‘wow, your boyfriend must love you for you to do all that for him’ (not for any man), my favorite response was, ‘you’re still fat so you need to go to a gym too because that’s not working you enough.’
The general population does not take pole dancing seriously which is unfortunate.
While everyone shames me I’ve lost 17 lbs in a year and a half and boy do I eat, I eat more than before pole. My pants are falling off. I don’t hate myself anymore. When I wear spaghetti straps or tube tops I don’t focus on the fat in my arms or shoulders. I’m actually proud to look at my arms, back, and shoulders. My pancake butt that people used to make fun of gets complimented a lot now. I used to have shoulder pain from an injury that went away and now I have no pain and my full range of motion is back. I used to have hip pain and had to see a chiropractor (tilted pelvis he said from muscle imbalances pulling my hips in bad directions) for that and sometimes I would just lay in bed from pain cuz walking and standing hurt. I haven’t had pain in a year from strengthening and stretching.
While people shame me I’ll just sit here with my newfound love and apprecriation for myself and my body.
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@Tamarinda If the people around you really have said all those things, you really need to start surrounding yourself with a different group of people!
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I am reminded of this quote by Eleanor Roosevelt that I’ve always liked.
Do what you feel in your heart to be right – for you’ll be criticized anyway. You’ll be damned if you do and damned of you don’t.
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Tamarinda I have cousins around your age who are also in college and it’s shocking how mean they can be. I’ll tell you what I tell them: girls are awful and growing up i never got along with most of them, but women are awesome. That’s why the older folks are more likely to say wow that takes dedication etc. Girls might not know what to do with that information or be jealous or threatened so they say mean things. To be fair I’m not putting an age on girls vs women I know 22 year old women as well as 50 year old girls. It sounds like you are doing what you should though and maintaining who you are. Once you get out of college it will be easier to get away from close minded people and gravitates towards those who are more positive and like minded. Seems like the opposite should be true but nowadays esp with things like Facebook these little cliques form and good god they are so mean to each other I don’t get it. Keep doing you lady. And as far as the name goes, I have a “stage name” I go by for all things pole just in case it does ever come up as an issue for work purposes. Even though I’m very open about what I do in my day to day life having a pseudonym just makes me feel safeguarded against things I literally cannot know about yet
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Thank you for your words. 🙂 I’ve gotten a lot of dead weight away from me. I can’t ALWAYS control who I am around but I can control how close I let others be to me.
I read a meme somewhere that said something like, “girls compete with each other, women empower each other.” The pole community here is amazing and is nothing like the ‘real world’. People here try to empower each other and build each other up rather than break each other down. Thank you Veena for creating such a safe space where nobody here ever has to worry about getting attacked or criticized just for enjoying a passion. That is such a hard thing to do in this day and time…
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I was a little embarrassed to tell people when I first started, but I think I was afraid that they were thinking, “does this middle aged woman really think she’s sexy enough to pole dance?” I was more into the acrobatic side at the time but very shortly into it, maybe several months, I was thinking, “hell yes I’m sexy enough to pole dance, and I don’t give a crap what anybody thinks about it.” I blushed one time when I told an older male physician I worked with, but I recovered quickly and shortly thereafter showed him a picture or two of what I could do. Not long after that he would ask me about it most of the time when he saw me, and not in a sleazy way. Now I don’t blush one bit. I know it’s awesome and if people are too dim to get it, that’s their loss. And, frankly, at my age (45) if someone is silly enough to think I’m a stripper they haven’t been to a strip club in a while. I’ve told all kinds of people from coworkers, male and female, to my hairdresser to patients (I’m a nurse). I also wear clothing with pole dance stuff on it all the time and to just about anyplace, including out to dinner with my 70-something-year-old parents.
Another person’s embarrassment, shame or sleazy response reveals far more about them than it does about you.
🙂
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Wow. I really enjoyed reading how strong some of you guys are. 🙂
I got into pole a few months ago and got a pole short after I started. Hubby has no problem with it in our house (he is much more bothered by my cat). His friends enjoy doing “feats of strength” on it and our friends with kids have no bones about their kids playing on the pole and are often quite encouraging (as long as I have laid out crash mats!).My parents know I dance and they are very supportive and I know how lucky for that.
Honestly, as we don’t try to hide the pole, I’ve actually had some friends and neighbors who didn’t notice it until I specifically spelled it out to them that, yes, it’s a pole. 🙂
At work I manage a team of software developers. My friends at the office know I dance, as does my boss, the VP. I have never been given any problems and I know that my coworkers know that it’s a hard sport.
Like I mentioned, I started just a few months ago, so I haven’t posted any pictures or videos yet. Also, I’m still not comfortable with my size and in pole clothing. In general I don’t post much on FB, but I do hope to soon have the confidence to start posting here. (I actually taped myself the other day and was pleasantly surprised!)
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Grayeyes that’s very comforting to hear that you have no issues at work. My plans are to become an RN and one day an anesthetic nurse. (Long time away) I figured the medical field was catty and it wouldn’t be taken well and used as an excuse and fuel to fire… I also worry about how future schools would see it. I worry too much but I guess because of past experiences. I’m glad you have had positive experiences and I’m glad you got past the shame and feel good about pole. I especially loved your last line 🙂
Romo I loved the cat comment. I’m also glad to hear you have no issues at work. I understand the feeling of not wanting to post videos, I didn’t want to for a long time and I didn’t like how my videos looked. Over time I have gained more confidence. I’m glad you videod yourself and felt pleasantly surprised. I think many of us are crushed when seeing our first videos. Lol. Hopefully pole brings you to a place where you are more happy. I’ll be looking out for you and good luck on your pole journey 🙂
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I work in surgery as a surgical tech. all the nurses, surgeons, techs know I pole. they even come to my showcases. I have found them to be very supportive and encouraging. they love to ask questions about my progress. I have been surprised at how many people are supportive. I live in California, so I dont know if that makes a difference or not. I am originally from a small town in Alabama and i’m not sure how people there would accept it. I feel how I feel about it , is what influences other peoples attitude towards pole.
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I’m in my anesthesia residency training and I’m very open about pole. Some of my colleagues have come to watch me perform. Even my attendings have taken videos of me and shown them around the OR to the surgeons and nurses. The only time I’ve had a catty comment at work was actually from the nurse manager on one of my ICU rotations. And I corrected her, but she clearly wasn’t used to people who wouldn’t just bow down to her opinion (I was wearing a sweatshirt that said pole dance on the sleeve and had the logo of my friend’s studio, she thought it could be seen as unprofessional by patients… note this was the ICU, where the majority of patients are intubated and sedated!).
But as far as the OR goes, I haven’t had any issues! And even when applying for residency I listed “aerial acrobatics” on my application under interests… that wording allowed me to explain it if I was asked (instead of people jumping to their own conclusions) and also made me stand out because it was something different and unusual. It was always an interesting conversation point in my residency interviews!
I’m not sure if the medical profession/nursing profession in the states will be different – probably yes, depending on your region and the cultural attitudes there, but that applies to anywhere in the world.
I just think a big part of getting a positive reaction is the way in which I present it. I just try to normalize it – treating it as if it’s any other hobby – and people usually follow my lead. It’s definitely great to know that my program director and my attendings are supportive – that way I have this additional security that they will back me up if anyone else tried to make it an issue. -
Romo, I laughed out loud about the cat and the feats of strength. Your friends sound cool.
I meant to include this little story about “getting over myself” in my original post. I had a coworker who was having boudoir photos taken for her husband so I offered to let her borrow my beautiful thigh-high leather boots that I bought on a whim from the clearance rack. Mind you they had never been out of my house because I couldn’t figure out where or how to wear them. She loved the boots and I told her I’d never worn them in public because I thought I would look like a 45-year-old hooker. She said, “So?” And that was it. I thought, “she’s right, so what if someone thinks that.” And so they have gone out and about. She’s an interesting gal who is wise beyond her years (and at least ten years younger than me). Sometimes you just need somebody to re-frame things for you or just say, “So?”
🙂
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“Those who mind don’t matter
And those who matter don’t mind.”I have no pole shame.
People who think pole is shameful are ignorant. Why keep small minded people in your life?
If someone wants to understand you, they will try to. They will ask questions and listen.
And don’t let them play the “it’s inappropriate” card on you either. Our culture loves to shame women (especially moms) out of enjoying their sexuality. Don’t fall for it. You’re allowed to be a strong happy person; spiritually, emotionally, physically, sexually.
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