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Sexuality & Confidence
This is really hard for me to talk about but I really could use some support and advice. I know that this isn’t some depression support group but I found that this online community is one of the most supportive communities and open-minded communities that I’ve come across. Since I’ve started dancing, I’ve found that sexuality is something that I would enjoy/enjoy incorporating into my dance routine. It’s a difficult task for me though because it doesn’t exactly come “natural” to me. I notice that there are a lot of women who stand next to the pole and look hot without doing much at all. As a little background of me, I got married about a year ago, gained 40 pounds, and now am struggling with my body more than ever. Growing up I had a negative childhood which has been a cause of self-hate/self pity, and lack of confidence for myself. I try not to use it as an excuse but I do find that it still continues to effect me in my adulthood and more than I’d like to admit. I don’t enjoy seeing myself naked. I don’t enjoy showing off my body. I feel overweight, heavy, and unattractive. In high school, I was 40 pounds lighter and even then I didn’t like my body (I didn’t know how good I looked). I think I’ll always not like things about my body, but I feel like if I lost some weight and toned up that my confidence would arise as well. I’ve noticed that since I’ve gained weight that I’ve lost sexual desire, sexual confidence, and I feel like a lot of the days blend together. I used to enjoy my sexuality and I was very open about my sexuality. Now I feel like I’m so lost from it that I’m not super sure what sexuality is to me anymore. I avoid mirrors, but when I do look into one, I find myself staring and critiquing myself. Since I was overly critiqued as a child, I now find that I handle critique even worse- I’m super sensitive. And honestly, I get annoyed with myself! I want to open, free, fun, and SEXY! I know that I lack in these areas and I feel guilty for not being who I want and know I can be. I don’t want to take life so serious (it’s too short and I have so much to be thankful for, I’d like to just enjoy life while it’s so amazing). I think confidence has more to do with sexuality than looks do sometimes. And since I lack confidence, I think it’s why I have a hard time finding my sexuality and being more liberating. I could really use advice on this. Has this happened to anyone? Can you relate to me? It’d be nice to know that I’m not the only person lost out here. I want to learn to love my body (and there are things that I DO like about myself, but physically, I have a hard time accepting, and loving it). And it’s not like I do things to hurt my body, I exercise, drink water, stretch, dance, etc. But I don’t look at myself and go wow, I’m beautiful or I’m sexy. And that’s something I’d really like to do. It sucks to always be so negative about my self image but I feel like I’ve fallen into some dark hole with this and I can’t seem to find my way back to myself (if that makes any sense at all!). I know that young people are always “finding themselves” but I’m not really sure that I’m even headed in the right direction. It’s like I used to know who I was and I used to have some confidence and now I just feel like it’s all slipped away. That I turned my back and now it’s gone.
I’d like to enjoy being naked and not try to cover up my “rolls” or stretch marks. I’d also like to be able to be confident with who I am and how I look. I don’t want to hide under my clothes, ya know? At night, I undress and hurriedly jump in the bed to keep myself from looking, how ridiculous is that? I feel like I shut down when it comes to anything sexual because I feel like I can’t meet up to what I want to be or how I want to act and I get disappointed. I feel stuck. Literally stuck. I know I can be sexual and confident but I’m just not sure how to sometimes. And some days are better than others. Some days, even though they can be rare, I get dressed up, put my make up on, dance in a thong, and walk around naked with out a thought in the world. But most days I struggle with my self worth and appearance. Through all of this, I think gaining new feelings of my sexuality and appearance can really help and effect how I dance. This is very hard and embarrassing to admit and it’d be really nice if there were people who could relate or give advice. If I haven’t explained this properly or if you need me to explain anything else, please let me know. Thanks for taking time out of your day to read my rant. -
20 Replies
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And don’t get me wrong, I still have sex (not that you really need to know that). Pretty often too. But that’s not what I mean by sexuality. I mean that feeling of being sexy and desiring sex. That’s the part that I’ve lost. That feeling of walking with my head up instead of looking down at the floor. Or having a bright smile on my face because I know I look good. Or doing a little strip tease, or wearing something risky out in public. I want to find that free confident sexy side that I used to have.
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Oh and I feel like I’m stuck on autopilot a lot. I hate that feeling!
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I’m at work and typed out a really amazing response……. Then i had a customer and had to put my phone down, my internet browser closed and it disappeared before i could post.. I promise i’ll respond to this when i get my desktop.. Hugs!
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get to*
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Ugh, that darn customer! I really appreciate you even responding! Thank you. I look forward to your response *hugs*
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Milla watch this…. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YFsUv2SDMq8
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I found this on a post here a while back when I was in a pretty low spot emotionally. And I totally get you when you say that you don’t feel sexy or sexual even though you have plenty of sex. I have found that my mood and sexuality is greatly increased when Im giving my body what it needs, like: water, good food and rest, and above all being honest with myself and the people around me about what I need so my heart and mind can feel good too. I watched this^^^^video when i was feeling really low a few months back and it really inspired me. I hope it inspires you.
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Yes Milla rhat Sheila Kelly is always a good reminder for me to love the woman that im so hard on. And yes you are right , through our lives we are shamed for being beautiful bright women. I can relate. Since having kids the journey of re accepting my body has been a long one. And before kids I was always a Tom boy with a flat chest and a big ass… Luckily I finda man that thinks in perfect and Milla you seem to have that too!! I gained 70 lbs with both my boys yes i weighed 90 plbs pregnancy both times. Oh and then the husband made a comment one day that struck deep. No one knows where our deepest pockets of insecurities lie or where they came from. I’ve been doing a lot of meditating lately And that really seems to be helping easy the anxiety I feel about things that I’m powerless over, like my body. And not being able to pole right now has been hard. I found a special fire when I met my pole and trying to light that flame without my pole has been hard, but worthwhile. You are an absolutely beautiful women. This is my advice for slinking that sexuality in. Dance in the dark. Number 1 for me in the beginning. Add some mood, candles , fun lights, sexy accessories like thigh highs. Also set your intention before you pole so you are not expecting to be a sexy beast but rather open to whatever flows. Expectations are my ex friend. They really aren’t for me much anymore because with out them things always seems brighter! Ava Madison has a beautiful video on breath on YouTube. Since finding it and practicing the simple movement I really like how breath and dance feels when you don’t fight either. I’m not sure if j touched I much that helps but I hope so !! You are fire! Hope your sensuality sparks and washes over you the biggest hug. We need to love ourselves. No body will do it for us , or better than us. And I’m learning this now after 7 years of marriage. My husband is absolutely amazing but no matter how many times he tells me in gorgeous or bootylicious I have to believe it and feel it for myself before his comments even truly resonate. Get your sexy on Milla ! 😉
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Ok. In attempt to replicate my response from last night:
NO, NO, You are definitely NOT alone. I have always felt really ashamed and horrified about how my breasts look. Since puberty. I never thought they are shaped the way they “should” be. I blame society and media on this. It has been my own battle to accept them as they are and to undo the brain washing that 99% of us have encountered from what society thinks as “sexy” or “beautiful.”
Now, pole has definitely helped me feel more confident about my body and has even perked up my breasts quite a bit to where I don’t hate them when I look in the mirror…
My husband has also been a tremendous help in having me see the beauty in my body.I still suffer with everything you have described in your post, but for me, it’s more on a mental self esteem level instead of feeling badly about my physical. It’s all still tied in with the same feeling of being self conscious and not feeling good enough…
I will tell you what my therapist told me last week:
He asked, “Do you like to put yourself down?” I immediately replied, “NO, Of course not! I want to stop, that’s why I’m here!!”
He said, “No, Ariel. Think about it. Do you like to put yourself down? Is it an escape for you? To play out all the what if’s in your head?”
When he put it that way, I realized that I do, in fact, in a negative way, enjoy it…. It is embarrassing to admit that… But, when we are horrified by our actions and do not want to engage in certain ways of thinking, but continue to do it… It is because we are comfortable with it and believe what we tell ourselves..Finding a replacement thought that is healthy and positive will work wonders… I’m not going to sugar coat it though, it is very hard.. But, it’s like pole, once you continue to work towards a trick, you will get it. It might not be pretty the first few times, but with practice and determination, we can achieve it and make it perfect.
I thought for many years that I could handle all my problems on my own… They snowballed and I was wrong.. For me, counseling is working wonders. I also journal and sort my thoughts out on paper. It helps me distinguish what’s irrational and what I need to work on..
So although, I have worked on my body image issue, I still suffer with my mental confidence.. Example: I have avoided certain social situations because I might have felt that I didn’t have the intelligence to be around a certain group of people… Not that I am an anti-social person. I actually love going out and can be very talkative. But, I have let my own thoughts dictate to who I associate with at times.
For you, Kiki’s Pole Blog has some really good blogs about Body Image issues. You might actually find them helpful. 😉
I hope that my response helps. -
I also want to add… If there is anything in particular that makes you feel really sexy.. ie. a certain bra, panties, shirt, or wearing makeup, Do it. Do whatever you need to do the feel sexy, as long as it’s not excessive or unhealthy. But, if you feel better about fixing yourself up before your man sees you or if y’all go on a date, take the extra mile to feel better. 😉
I really hope I’m making sense. LOL
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I so needed to read this. I relate to both Milla and azblanco. You’re not alone. I’m lost in all aspects. Mental, physical, spiritual…you name it. Interesting what your therapist said azblanco….could you elaborate on what to do with the negative self talk? I never thought about liking to do it before. I’m really guilty of this but to the outside world I had it all. (Had* because my husband just left me)
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I started my pole journey with S Factor, not in a studio but at home. Having a supportive community made my first steps into pole that much more special. I am still friends with many of those women to this day and most of them I have never met in person. That being said, I strongly urge you to get the S Factor videos. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE LOVE LOVE V’s lessons but there is a movement that is taught in the S Factor videos (even just the first one) that when used and practiced will help you get out of your head an move organically.
For me when I am feeling disconnected the best thing I can do is throw down the lights, turn up the music and just move however feels good to me. Playing with scents, costumes, fabrics, textures heightens the senses and gets me more in touch with how my body is moving through space. The more connected I feel to my body the sexier I feel. Even creating a small feminine space or feeding a part of you that is truly feminine can get you out of the funk. New hair color, new shoes, a cute bra and panty set, spending time on itunes finding new music…there is something out there that feeds that part of you that you have buried. Let her out into the sunlight and feed her.
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I can relate to this, but not entirely in the same way. I am not ashamed of my body, and I feel pretty comfortable in a bathing suit or wearing skimpy clothes to pole class. However, I do not feel comfortable at all moving my body in a sexy way. I always felt weird and uncoordinated when it comes to dancing suggestively.
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As you can see you are not alone! I would guess every woman goes through feeling of not being sexy or desirable. It’s not something that will change over night.
I know I’ve gone through times like Poleisnewtome, where I feel great about my body but do not feel sexual, or sensual, this often happens when life gets busy and I just don’t have time to relax enough to feel sexy. I’ve also gone through times where I feel so dumpy and unattractive, this usually happens when I haven’t taken the time to workout, my mood gets low and I start to pick at every little flaw.
Over the past few years I’ve learned that sex appeal is not about looks, it’s so often about attitude. The good news about that is… you can change any attitude you have about yourself if you are persistent and surround yourself with positive influences.
When it comes to dance, I need the feed back from a mirror, I know some people say the mirror is not a good idea because you might become too critical of what you see. For me though, I need the feedback… turning down the lights, putting on some heels and watching myself, I can see what looks nice (to me) and what I didn’t care for. By watching, I can now see what others do! There is a time a place to just let go, feeling the movement and not worrying about what you look like, but there’s also something to be said for accepting what you see as beautiful. I’ve met many pole dancers who dance sexy and look amazing, BUT they will not look at themselves dance in the mirror, because they don’t like to see themselves.
If you’re looking to get your sexy back, practice, you can do this everyday, because you done have to do all kinds of pole tricks to be sexy!!!! Also, because sensuality is hugely mental, try writing down what makes you feel sexy or what you love about yourself. Make the list as big as you can, maybe try adding to it daily. Then when you wake up read the list, before you dance, read the list. Read it again before bed. Our thoughts create our reality! xoxoxo
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This hit home for me. I struggle with sexy coming “natural” too. I’m still trying to lose the baby weight I gained……..12 yrs ago! I have my moments though. When I feel good about my body and I’m dancing for my husband, I feel very sexual. But there are times where I just don’t feel good about my body and don’t want even my hubby to see it. You are definitely not alone! Working on it too!
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