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Sideline Haters
Never fails to surprise me when I come into contact with a sideline hater because I don’t get it. Seriously, I suppose somebody with huge accomplishments or amazing abilities or something could expect a sideline hater or two…why do I continuously attract these evil mutants? Do I seem like easy prey? Is there something I’m doing that stands out? (wow, I would love to know what that is exactly)
You know these chicks, everybody encounters them at some point. I say “chicks” because I can’t understand sideline haters that are female at all. It’s easy to understand reasons of the male equivalent, and that’s why they are a separate issue. Sideline haters that are women, especially when it comes to pole, are an inexplicable phenomenon to me. Why act like a friend and then smirk when I fall down, even if it’s not literally? What sense of glory does that bring to speak of my shortcomings as though it increases your own worth? I don’t understand it, especially because I have never been great at anything I do and never wanted to be. What is it…that at least you’re not doing as bad as I am?
Dude, that’s so weak you can’t even physically lift your middle finger. I’d do it for you, but that’s not helping anybody.
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23 Replies
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I always say when I meet a person like that, I’m grateful. You see, they are doing me the biggest favour because I know what I’m dealing with and with that in mind I make the decision to take myself away from it.
I’ve met a few of the b£$£$£W$^^ in my time and see them for what they are. Pathetic and insecure. It isn’t about you or me- the problem is them. So I make a conscious decision to not speak engage with them or if they make me annoyed (which is pretty rare) tear them a ‘new one’.
After that I pretty much keep it movin’
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I suppose it wouldn’t bother me much if I could pinpoint them on sight. Unfortunately, my perceptions of people and why they do things isn’t always as clear as I need it to be. Sometimes I keep a bad apple or two around because I can’t tell they’re rotten on the inside. I also don’t pick or bite into them, I keep them on the tree until they fall off.
Okay, there go the metaphors again. People aren’t apples, but it sure would make it simpler if the rotten ones were. Bad people can go undetected for years and it never makes sense when attempt to hurt or limit you. I’m not even sure that they understand it themselves, but I sure wish I did at least. It would save me the wasted time and energy that I could have spent with somebody genuine.
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I become a strong believer the following saying from maya angelou:
“When people show you who they are the 1st time. Believe them.”
I can like a person, be respectful and considerate but one thing I am not is sentimental.
I’m a watcher, and If don’t think a friendship or a relationship is healthy- I can walk away in a heartbeat.
Life is too short to be around ‘sideline haters’ and people who are just stinkers.
Anyway that’s all I have to say about the issue.
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From what I understand, the people you’re annoyed and confused by are the ones who act like friends, but love to see you fail at something- they seem to get a laugh or some sort of ego-boost from it, as if to say “Look at that! You’re so perfect, and YOU fell!”
In gradeschool, these people are a lot easier to spot, and they’re actually given a name: Bullies. They’re easier to spot because children aren’t quite as subtle as adults. They try to MAKE happen what they want, which often means trying to force another child into feeling like they fell, or manipulating them into doing so.
As adults, however, those people have learned and grown; it’s not socially acceptable to cause someone else to hurt anymore, and it’s also much less satisfying to cause someone else to fall, when they’ll just do it themselves, eventually! So, they sit and bide their time, they’ll make nice and do pretend, and now that they’re adults, they’ve had a lot of practice at “making nice.” By the time they’re adults, too, they may have found other bullies to be “friends” with, who all do these things to each other, under the guise of “That’s what women do.”
The idea of “That’s what women do” comes in part from our media (showing women being catty or competitive with each other over things, such as grace, the affection of a man, or beauty), and in part from our social upbringing. Many women learn these behaviours from their Moms, who learned it from their own Moms. They don’t have only one role model, they have many, as their Mom would have surrounded herself by others that are like her. We like friends that validate who we are, who we believe we should be, and these people are no different. So, the catty, competitive, but outwardly sweet and friendly behaviour continues.
From my understanding and personal experience, it’s about Ego. It’s that part of all of us that says “You’re not good enough,” and it’s something that tortures everyone. It’s something that drives us all, either to distraction, or to perfectionism, or to whatever else. It’s hard to ignore, that fear.
While many people learn to deal with it from a “Go away” perspective, teaching ourselves that we are good enough, or simply moving forward from that voice, regardless as to it’s presence, and get our things done… They have learned a different skill. As skill borne of comparison, and one that makes that fear and that frightened Ego feel better- but only for a short period of time. In essence, they’re stealing your power from you, stealing good feelings about yourself, and by making you appear “smaller,” they make themselves appear “larger,” even if they’re not all standing around you in the cliche circle, laughing and taunting.
Without comparison between themselves and other people, this behaviour wouldn’t be able to exist, though, and that’s where I think the greatest defense, and greatest challenge comes from.
Something I’ve noticed here on SV is that comparison is frowned upon. It’s actually taught me a lot! I used to compare myself to everyone else… but, I always used to do it and “come up short,” tell myself how horrible and useless and stupid I am, especially in comparison to all the beautiful, smart, strong, and graceful women around me. It made me feel awful, and when I realized this was a place where it was discouraged… I began to look at it.
I no longer compare myself to anyone, as best as I can. It’s something so ingrained in our world that it’s hard to permanently break the habit, but it’s possible to work on it, and possible to not be in thrall to it anymore.
You don’t need to compare yourself to those women, and if they compare themselves to you, then that is none of your business! You can discourage it, and by doing so, you may find that they push back, they fight you… but ultimately, you’re trying to help them! And, you may succeed with one or two. However, by discouraging comparison, you’ll find out who those bullies are, really fast! Their behaviours rely on comparison, so when you start to break it down, you’ll find out how they hold the behaviour by how they react to you. Some might dismiss, some might fight, some might totally ignore you from then on. And, some might actually appreciate your effort, they might actually begin to change and see that there’s a better way to soothe their hurting selves.
Best ways to get rid of comparison, though? Complements. Things like, when they say “Oh you’re so much better at that than I am!” You can turn around and say “I think you’re really awesome at this other thing!” No need to compare (no “You’re better at this than I am,”) just stating that they are great at something, end of story. You can tell them it’s not a contest, there’s no need to compare. That everyone has their own journies, their own skills, their up’s and down’s. It’s what makes us all beautiful, and amazing, and perfect. It’s what makes US!Anyways this is getting long… sorry 😉
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Oh, and I do agree with Strawberry- you don’t need to stick around when those people reveal themselves as bullies. You can make the choice. I suppose I was just thinking about those people you “don’t know about,” if you’ve invested already in the friendship, it can be hard to leave when you realize they’re like that!
But, you’re totally justified in cutting ties. -
Hi Serzi. That’s really a shame that you keep running into such people. Who are you thinking of at the moment? Are they people at your pole studio? If so, it might be time to look for another one. The incredibly supportive, non-judgemental environment I have found at most pole classes I’ve been to is one of the things I love about this sport. You shouldn’t have to settle for an environment in which people are rooting for others to fail.
Like you, it always amazes me that there are adult women still behaving like high school mean girls. But sometimes you do run across such people. As Strawberry said, their behavior is about their own insecurity and they aren’t worth your time or emotional investment. Maybe try trusting your intuition more when you first meet people? If something doesn’t feel quite right but you can’t put your finger on, there could well be something your subconscious picked up on. Maybe all their words are right, but there is something about their body language or their tone that doesn’t quite match. If people don’t reflect back the sincerity you put out, I’d be wary about investing your emotions into a relationship with them. Good luck.
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SV is my only pole studio and, although I have been gone a very long time, I am pleased to say that I’ve never met anyone on here who has given me an indication that they were a sideline hater. This is, however, an online community so that aspect is taken a bit more lightly perception-wise than people I’ve actually met and see on a regular basis. I love how I can come on this site, though, and start a discussion like this knowing others can relate.
What triggered this discussion for me has a lot to do with what’s going on in my life right now. I try to keep it more of an open-ended discussion because the details of my current situation are not especially unique as they are confusing. Lots of people encounter others who mean-spirited with sugar coated shit for smiles. I understand that part of it, where I get lost is how I fail so often to SEE that before it wastes my time or interferes with me personally. How for years someone can be right there with you, not your absolute best friend but somebody that earns your trust enough to know a little better than an average acquaintance, only to find out they fooled you. That they are not at all what they projected themselves to be and have actively attempted to limit/hurt you whenever possible. I do not hold onto people like that, I let them go and don’t bother with sentimental fall-out for the most part.
It’s only myself I wish to change so that I don’t have to deal with this every couple of years or so. Perspective, I have a lot of it but it’s seldom spot-on regarding the intentions of those around me. I’m doubting such a thing can be taught, but I’m getting older and sincerely tired of unpleasant people. I don’t want to completely shut the entire world out and become a cat-lady, but sometimes it sounds pretty relaxing. lol
“The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog.” -Mark Twain
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People always say to cut out the toxic people in your life. But it is not always so simple. Sometimes there are circumstances which make it impossible to cut ties with certain people. What then?
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Poleisnewtome- then you create distance. Whether that be physical or contact distance (where you don’t really talk to or interact with the person unless you NEED to), or in a more difficult situation, emotional distance. That can be pretty hard to keep up, but really… it is something that is possible. Eventually, they won’t bother you anymore. You don’t need to be involved with their life, their stuff, and their judgement or comparison.
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@serzi Firstly don’t be hard on yourself. Be glad you don’t associate with these people.
A lot of what you said ‘reminds me of me’ a few years ago. I had ‘friendships’ and relationship with people when ‘sentiment blinded me to their behaviour'(one of these relationships included a sister who admitted she hated me but had no reason as I was nothing but supportive to her)
Like you and these so called friendships lasted for years and I felt invested. However, as someone one pointed out, I did get ‘gut feelings’ that somethings wasn’t right but chose to ignore them.
It was only when I took of the rose tinted glasses that I decided I was no longer buying what they were selling. I cut them out of my life and it was the best thing I did.
You can’t make these people like you…because on the whole, these people mostly don’t even like themselves. That’s why they do what they do and behave how they behave. It really isn’t about you.
So let them smirk if you do a pole trick wrong because even the ‘expert was once a novice’.
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I appreciate everyone’s advice on this. Thank you. 🙂
It becomes very frustrating, I think my gut instinct or ability to pick up on those subtle cues is non-existent.
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And I have no desire to make anyone like me. For the most part, I’d rather not have to interact with people much at all because I have such a difficult time with it. It’s an unfortunate condition of life, though, you have to step out of your comfort zone and give people a chance sometimes. Just sucks that I’ve had so many bad experiences. lol
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Once again, this has nothing to do with a pole studio. I’ve never been a student anywhere but on this site and it’s most certainly not part of the problem.
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While you have no desire to make anyone like you, be mindful of whether or not your are subconsciously sticking out barbs to scare people away. A lot of times when we’ve had a bunch of crappy past experiences with people in general it’s natural to be especially off putting when you’re interacting with new people. to either test if the person you’re interacting with gives enough of a damn to get to know you, and/or to get anyone and everyone to just back the hell off because you don’t want to get into another situation with a person who may be as shitty as the rest you’ve dealt with. i don’t know the situation with the studio you’re at but you may be taking things as something they’re not. Like smirking when someone falls could be a nervous reaction, just like a nervous laugh could be. I for one am SUPER guilty of those things and I really hope no one has taken it the wrong way. you just see something and react to it with a default or maybe im smirking because I remember making the exact same mistake you did and it’s all “circle of liiiiiiiife” in my head but I’m too shy to come “correct” you and feel it’s not my place. Shyness and inappropriate nervous reactions can be super related. Again, not saying that’s what happened here and I’ve def experienced a clickish studio and it sucks, and none of what I said may even apply to you, just throwing it out there as something to think about
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Where did people get the idea I was talking about a pole studio?
This is not about a pole studio.
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