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Significant other unimpressed by pole activity?
I tried searching through the discussions… and found plenty on the general public's misinterpretation of pole art or lack of respect for it as a legitimate activity, but what about your significant others?
My boyfriend… has admitted he doesn't like pole. He doesn't care for dance generally. On the other hand he is quite athletic and goes to the gym several times per week so I would at least imagine he would appreciate the physical challenge of pole if not the art… but he's almost completely disinterested and negative about it. On the few occasions I've gingerly mentioned him helping me w/ a routine this negativity comes out. Most guys I know would be pretty enthusiastic about critiquing some pole, but for this guy… it evokes a thinly veiled eyeroll. Once we were in the gym & I ran several miles, then tried some behind the back chin ups (that he wanted to see if i could do) and then did one of my best oversplits ever… and he said he didn't understand the functional utility of that!
Has anyone else had this experience?
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35 Replies
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There have been a couple of instances around here where people's significant others are less enthused about their ladies pole dancing than the social media would lead us to believe. And, while not all guys are into pole dancing, and that's okay… I don't think that being negative about one's partner's hobby is in any way alright. Personal opinion, of course 😉
If he doesn't generally care for dance, that's cool- I don't generally care for some forms of art, too! Everyone has their preferences, and they don't always extend out the same ways or for the same reasons. That's what makes us awesome and different. And, in some ways, I can understand his complaints about the "functional utility" of the oversplits… you're not exactly going to be using that in general, daily life, unless you dance for a living.
However, at a certain point, lifting weights and going to the gym loses it's "functional utility" unless you're a body-builder, and you get paid on your physique. I don't particularly see doing the oversplits as anything different! No, you don't really use the splits in regular, daily life, but nor do you need the strength to bench-press a car.
Personally, I would have a serious talk with him. As you've already gone for your splits and then some, you're obviously very serious about dancing and (I would hope!) enjoy it very much. It's not easy getting through this path without support, and negative reactions can make it that much more difficult to, say, get that beautiful Iron-X you've been dreaming of (or some other advanced move!). At the very least he can be straight up and say that he supports you, but he doesn't want to be involved. That, to me, is what partners do.
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Wow… thank you so much for that very thoughtful response! You're definitely right that not everyone is going to appreciate all art forms or activities. I try to remember that. Maybe part of it is ego… I like being appreciated for some of my unique abilities like anyone else… & I guess it both surprised me & sort of hurt me that he just doesn't really care that much what acrobatic/stretchy/dancy things i can do :).
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I get the same unimpressed reaction for my boyfriend. I was frustrate because he likes talking about his gym workouts. After talking with him, he realized I support him in things that I have no interest in because I love him and he should do the same for me. I get him to watch new moves once a week (maybe 3-5 minutes) and one video every once and while. That is about all I expect and I find it is enough most of the time. I do have to keep it a secret through. He doesn't want me to perform in case my job would find out and I can't tell his parents. Some people just don't have get dancing but you deserve support in something you love.
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I do agree with the responses here. My fiance is not really into the acrobatic/aerial/pole scene at all. But he knows I love it. So he comes to my shows, and lets me put my pole up in his apartment, etc. Sometimes I can even get him to watch a youtube video that just about blows my mind. But we don't talk shop, workout together, watch youtube regularly or anything like that. I feel like this is all good. I am lucky that even though he doesn't want to be a part of it, he understands my passion for it and supports me. He is a gamer, and I think its more of a struggle for me to support him in that! So I work on my attitude about it, gift him on his bday with the games that he likes to play, and thank my lucky stars that he doesn't make me participate. 🙂
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I agree with everyone here too. My husband isn't really into pole at all. He doesn't care if I do it – but it sort of annoys him when I ask him to spot me on some difficult move or watch a youtube video that I think is amazing. It's my thing – not his. He's a gunsmith and, while I can appreciate the work and knowledge it must take to fix a 100 year old gun for which they don't even make parts anymore, I'm really glad he doesn't want me to watch him do it. I would be insanely bored! I think he views pole the same way. Our deal is: he encourages me to go out and do pole with other people (I actually go down to the Madison WI area not infrequently for that) so that I have them to talk to/do pole with instead of him. I do the same for him with gunsmithing.
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Some men don’t realize how difficult it is. When they see a Ms. Butterfly doing some amazing feats of strength, then they see us struggle with the basics or not make it perfect they are unimpressed. Keep it in the pole community. WE understand how hard it is, and what it takes to put your heart and soul out there.
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I think that is ok to not be interested. However… it is SO not ok to be negative about something you genuinely care about. At the very least he can keep that to himself.
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My husband doesn't care for pole either. He is very supportive of me but he would rather be doing something he enjoys when it comes to going to pole events/shows. He is just not as into it as I am, which is fine by me- everyone should have their own interests when it comes to a relationship.
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I don't find it particularly surprising that your guys; your husbands, or significant other don't care for pole when it gets up close and personal. If you're a couple then it's up close and personal.
For many men this becomes a masculinity issue. Guys are threatened by the unknown. Pole fitness is relatively new and many of you are at the forefront in this community. Your guys may realize that it takes an amazing amount of body strength and core strength to do what you do. That can be intimidating. Now we get to the confidence, positive outlooks, and assertiveness that I see in the women that I pole with, and again this can be intimidating to men.
Of course, as we all know there's the historical background of where pole's beginnings came from. Somehow your mission, should you decide to accept it, will be to make pole a non-threatening item in your life as a couple.
It would be interesting if more of the husbands and significant others who are comfortable with their wife's and girlfriends poling would speak up and offer their opinions on why they're comfortable with poling. I do think that PlatinumAni's three line post is right on the mark for anyone.
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My husband got over the idea of me pole dancing when she saw how athletic and creative it is…and how much it didn’t directly involve him. He is excited I have something I love that keeps me in shape, and he is always the envy of his friends bc his wife is a pole dancer…but I knew he was really proud of me when he suggested I open a studio. I hardly ever heard much encouragement, at least as much as I was seeking, but that showed me how proud he is of me. He loves how the studio looks and sticks by me more. It took time… It’s been two years since I started 😉
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My bf kinda hates pole in general but respects what it has done for me. He will help and spot me when I need it, film the random dance if I need a filmer, etc. The biggest issue is the negativity, Rob stays fairly nuetral about things so that I don't have to feel bad about it. I think if he can't say anything nice he shouldn't say anything at all. You guys might want to have a heart to heart and just let him know his negativity is hurtful, let him know you get that it's not HIS thing but that you still need his support. 🙂
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You've gotten some great responses! Mine went from wondering why I would want to pole to being the one to set people straight that stripping is one part of a rich array of types of pole. Hopefully your guy will change his tune 🙂
Oversplits might not be "functional" but stretching absolutely is. Before getting into pole and stretching my back hurt a lot of the time and I always had problems getting comfortable including while sitting, laying down, and getting intimate. Now I only have those problems if I fall off my flexy wagon. Stretching has eliminated the need for taking NSAIDs a few times a week, buying heat pads, and the general discomfort I had simply accepted. It also reduces risk of injury to be flexible and the stretching itself increases blood flow. Plus for me stretching is a chance to hang out b/c I stretch in video chat with my fellow polers!
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Mine has love/hate feelings about poling. When it comes to me poling, he’s supportive–spots me when I ask, helps me set up my equipment for skype/google jams, helps me warm up my pole, helps me stretch & he loves how pole has changed me & made me happy, brags to other people about my poling & that I’m going to get my certification later this year, but he doesn’t see it like he used to & every now & then he still gets envious of my poling & friendships in the pole community when I am having a particularly ambitious poling obsessive week/month that keep me from spending time with him.
He does not like going to pole showcases or competitions(or watching them on youtube), he can’t sit there & enjoy it. He’ll sit there breaking down or critiquing the performers every move, it just takes a lot to impress him now…if its a super amazing combo, hell be wowed but this doesn’t happen too often. He’s not mean with his comments but it is distracting & drives me nuts, so I no longer take him to those types of events lol
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That's exactly the reason I am so skeptical to start pole dancing…My bf is very discouraging: (. He is not very comfortable with the idea and he states that in his country (he is not American, he is from China) pole dancing is considered unethical. I think this is something beyond jealousy or his ego. He does love me for sure and he trusts me. However this is related with his cultural upbringing and unfortunately there is nothing I can do to change his mind right now https://www.studioveena.com/img/smilies/icon_e_sad.gif
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Samjane – what about Chinese pole? Or is that only for men?
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