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Significant other unimpressed by pole activity?
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My husband isn’t allowed to watch me practice because he says stuff like “that wasn’t very graceful, you need to practice more” and just generally makes Mr feel like an untalented idiot that had no business being on a pole. My dad is very supportive though! (BTW, we’re Chinese. Pole dancing is seen as an athletic activity there. They don’t have strip clubs in China, though they do have “sexy dancing on poles” in bars, fully clothed of course.
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@ https://www.studioveena.com/users/view/4d918eae-b5ac-4d0d-8eb3-3d7b0ac37250Really? Im glad your dad is supportive. I do know that his family is very conservative. He told me that pole dancing is considered provocative (at least) in China..I guess it has to do mostly with his family and his statushttps://www.studioveena.com/img/smilies/icon_e_sad.gif..
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I am fortunate (and know it) that my partner is incredibly supportiver.
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Ack – sorry about the last post, who knows what happened there 🙂
What I was going to say is that my partner is supportive, but he is supportive because it is something I love. He can't stand the sound of the skin scraping down a pole (like in a drop) but other than that, he is the first to kiss my bruises and rub where I am sore. In general, whilst he is very strong, he doesn't agree with a lot of the physical hobbies around today because he thinks that it puts too much emphasis on how we 'look' rather than personal development. Regardless of this, he is always supportive of my choices and at the same time offers balance to make sure I am doing things for the right reasons (ie, my own, not those of others). I think in the end this is what a partner should do – be supportive and at the same time provoking of self growth and development. I don't want to sound out of turn, but it seems that some of these guys mentioned here are too caught up in how they are feeling about things – whether it be pole specifically, being de-masculinised (is that even a word?) or worrying about what other people may think instead of being there and focusing on their partners.
One of the things I love about pole is that it is about skill and strength – you can do any kind of style you want – sexy, cheeky, demure, graceful, trick oriented… with this diversity I can't see how any person would have an issue with their partner doing it as it in it's very nature inspires growth. I have been an avid gym goer, and I can speak from experience, lifting weights is far less 'functional' in the real world than the strength from being able to lift your own body and do the things we can do. Standing in a gym and watching yourself in a mirror while you flex biceps and check out proportions is far less impressive to me than someone who can, time and time again, lift themselves up that pole to put their bodies into aerial dance. Ladies, I truly hope that your partners can open themselves up to what pole (and any style like it) can do in such profoundly positive ways. And above that, I hope they can just open themselves to be supportive of you, and see that having a strong, confident partner actually makes them more of a man, not less.
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Hi KristaCNH, i was wondering what happened with your bf. Has he finally changed his mind? I broke up with mine (for other reasons obviously) and currently i have a new relationship BUT..Again the same problem, the same frustration. I don’t know what is going on with guys these days… I mean he is only 34 (my ex was 33), so i cannot understand why they are so conservative..Many thanks!
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Wow I can’t believe it’s been two years since I originally posted this! Thanks for asking & i apologize in advance for what I’m sure is a TMI answer! We are still dating believe it or not & he has gotten better, but in complete honesty his attitudes have probably had a pretty significant effect on the trajectory of my pole journey 🙂 For the worse. I did my first big competition a couple months after I posted this & the very day i was so excited to have created my submission video we went out and he was cold to me like he never had been and we temporarily split up. I made the competition, and was so stressed about the relationship the whole summer preceding it, it sort of ruined the excitement and motivation etc, but i still tried. A few days before the event he insisted to paint my deck with me. The timing was bad, but I let it happen & then not only did I not practice those days… I was poisoned by paint thinner & later found out I had near acute kidney failure & elevated liver function tests. Needless to say I felt like crap the whole week & was nauseated and vomiting pretty much the whole time. I thought I was okay for the competition but didn’t do a very good performance, at least for me. He watched and the whole thing was like a self fulfilling prophecy of disaster where I felt like I was a complete idiot in front of everyone and it confirmed his opinion of me & pole… that I shouldn’t do it. Or something like that. And since then I’ve been slowly digging my self esteem out of the garbage! 🙂 It wasn’t his fault exactly that that happened… but I saw other sig others and how excited they seemed for their performers and it just made me feel strange. Recently I had been accepted into a big competition that he was pretty supportive about (sweety you’ve gotten a lot better… I still hate pole, but you are really good etc etc… you should do it etc.) I really don’t think he ever realized 1. how much I wanted to pursue it at first and 2. how much his attitude made me conflicted and dissonant and just low.
So … sorry again for the long answer, but it felt kind of good to get to say it 🙂
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Regarding why they are like this… certainly it must depend on the guy, but for mine I suspect it’s a combination of him not seeing the artistic value of pole and having a perception of the culture as… maybe silly or something. I think he doesn’t envision himself with a girl who would ‘waste her time’ doing something … ‘silly’ like pole dance etc. That’s just my guess. I think they should all be forced to take a class … 🙂
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Ok, here is this disclaimer: I’m sick and everything looks a little snotty and foggy to me this morning (talk about TMI :P) so if I missed something you already answered I’m sorry, I kind of skimmed the beginning stuff.
Because the way you’re describing doesn’t sound like he is annoyed because he thinks its dirty or “what will other people think”… it seems maybe he thinks you spend to much time with it? And maybe not enough with him?
Do you do anything else? I know thats like a silly way of saying it, but like do you have a job? or a something else you do, besides pole? (because jobs aren’t everything!) Sounds like you’re a handy person, staining a deck and all…
Why I’m asking is… there are only a few times my husband seemed annoyed by my poling…
and usually it’s when I’m not working a lot, spending too much money poling, and neglecting some duties because “sorry, I need to go to pole class”. Then more of the burden of life falls on him. This could absolutely make a man resent pole, in fact if it was anything he’d start to get annoyed! The times when I’m working more and helping out more around the house, and I say “honey I want to buy this super cool and expensive __(fill in the blank)__” He seems to be much more supportive.And just so I don’t make my husband out to be such a meanie… He did basically let me take over the spare bedroom while he works out in the detached garage with no AC or heat and one tiny light. 🙂
And you know what? When he says to me he has to work out instead of helping me with something or even just watching a show with me, I get kind of pissy about it. 😛
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Hi KristaCNH! Thank you so much for your reply!! As AllysonKendal mentioned he doesn’t sound like he is annoyed, probably he thinks you spend too much time with it and not enough with him? I mean pole dancing requires 100% devotion every singe day and maybe he would like to spend your time every day with him doing other things you both love (going for dinner, movies etc)? The weird thing is your bf says “i hate pole” but without giving any further explanations.
My ex clearly told me ” I hate pole dance because i think it is provocative”.
My current bf told me exactly the same thing. Which is frustrating.. However, i suspect/believe that in both cases the reason is our different ethnicity and therefore culture (and if that is the case it would be difficult to change his mind). Are you guys experiencing something similar (regarding the cultural/ethnicity differences etc)? Many thanks! -
My significant other is uninterested by pole and gets pissy about the time and money I spend on it. He doesnt say anything, he just acts passive aggressive. However, he puts 100% of his time into theatre, acting, and voice-over work. I dont see the difference with me investing so much in pole. Its annoying and I care a little less each time he acts pouty because I am doing a performance somewhere, or a class. It’s childish and I dont have the patience nor time for his bull-shit. he’s not very supportive of what I do. never says good job, or anything like that. but then again, he never said those things when i was doing theatre either. I chalk it up to jealousy. It used to hurt my feelings but now I just dont give a shit anymore. I love him but he can leave if he doesnt like it. Especially if he is gonna be passive aggressive and not even talk about it in an adult way. I’m glad I’m not the only one going through this.
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The boyfriend I was dating when I first started poling was so horrible and negative about it, I didn’t progress at all and almost quit and did for a couple of years. He would tell me my bruises were unattractive or laugh when I was attempting a knee tuck…and just was dismissive about it. I hated it and it made me feel horrible and if I could go back in time I would dump him right there.
While one does not have to be “into” it, I do feel they have to be supportive. Someone who is not supportive is not a someone you want in your life, what other dreams will they stomp out before they even begin?
My current boyfriends is wonderfully supportive. I don’t make him watch pole vidoes, but he doesn’t mind when I’m scrolling through instagram and watch a video on repeat. Sometimes he will lean over and just say, holy crap! lol. He doesn’t care I spend time at the studio, or that I spent money on pole clothes, mats, studio time, etc., or if I hop on the pole at home and practice inverting.
I try to support him too. He loves to play magic and is very good. He also loves comics and other table top games. I would never make fun of him or discourage him from hanging out with friends or wanting to compete in a big magic trounament (they exist and are quite huge!!) I have learned magic for him and in return he is getting involved with yoga and learning postures from me. I don’t think magic is my thing or that yoga is his really his thing, but now we can kind of talk about the things we both have interests in without being completely clueless. It’s nice to know what he is into to and he has told me, it’s nice to know what I do when he’s not around. He has even offerred to come to a pole class with me, but he’s afraid he might not be able to do anything (hence the yoga practice haha).
He didn’t me going to MPDA with some girlfriends either.
I just think it’s a big red flag when the SO isn’t supportive or down right negative. I would really have to ask myself if I want someone in my life who doesn’t want me to exercise. At the root of it, pole keeps me in shape and happy and healthy…who doesn’t want their partner to be those things? If he’s not into it cool, but dammit, he should be supportive.
For the record, I think he should find it attractive too. I love it when I catch my guy sneaking glances at me while I’m practicing a new move. I don’t feel attractive, I feel sweaty, smelly, and tired, and tacky, but he just thinks that it and I are beautiful. Real men are not afraid.
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It’s so comforting reading these responses bc I thought I was the only one who had a husband who was uninterested and not turned on by me learning the art of pole. All of his friends are like “how can you not think that’s so awesome!”. I really want him to be turned on and impressed and he is just the opposite. He jokes with me and asks me “what r u learning a back up career?”. I think he is jealous, especially since he always asks if guys r in the classes (which they r not). I also think men think that we do this for attention but in fact we do this for the love of dance and pole and the incredible empowerment and fun and meeting other women with similar interests. I look forward every week to see my “pole divas” and learning something new. I keep going to my weekly class bc it’s something for me, something I love. Regardless of whether or not he is impressed, I will not stop bc I love it, I’m hooked. At least we pole divas have each other to motivate us, compliment each other and as long as you impress yourself, I think that’s all that matters!
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Not every guy is going to like it and you know what I say to that? Fine. are you doing this for you or are you doing this for him? As long as you are doing it for you then he can sulk and be rudy-poo all he wants. You keep learning and training and having fun. Don’t let his view of what pole is take that away from you. Even if he doesn’t like it he should support you because it makes you happy. He can poo-poo it in private or in his journal. I’m with Tesar, what other dreams, goals, and hobbies will he stomp on just because he wants to not be impressed by it? I don’t want to say dump him because he may have positive qualities that we are unaware of, but if he continues to be rude and negative about something you truly like then you may want to revisit why is he your boyfriend if he can’t support you in some way? We aren’t asking him to fall back on his butt gobbed-smacked, screaming, “WOW THAT WAS AMAZING HOW DID YOU DO THAT? I’M SO IMPRESSED!!!” I know a win for me is if he can glance at me and not sneer or say a negative remark while I’m practicing. That’s a win for me.
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Exactly! He doesn’t have to be standing there jumping up and down with glee with every new move you learn, but he should keep the negativity to himself and be supportive. And one doesn’t have to be into it to be supportive. But he could say, great job, that takes strength, keep at it, etc.
While I love pole, and I do it for me, my ex was so negative and mean (and emotionally abusive) I believed that I wasn’t good enough to even try pole…. I guess that’s why I’m so worried when I hear someone is negative. He could have amazing qualities and be awesome, But he needs to work on being supportive and not negative. I feel like my ex didn’t like the brief effects it had on my self esteem and so he quashed it. Now, whether my new man works out or not, I will always only make time for someone who is supportive and enjoys my happiness.
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Eww time for a new boyfriend.
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