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The Bachelor Party/Strip Club Dilemma
Recently my husband has been asked to be a groomsmen. Again, we are faced with our (shared) personal views on strip clubs and the battle of whether he will go or not go to the bachelor party based on them. My husband understands that I don't feel comfortable with him going and respects that. However, it seems to be a reoccuring issue on how to handle the invite to a strip club when it comes in the shape of a bachelor party. For some reason, bachelor parties are expected to be an "exception" to that rule by fellow groomsmen who are either single or with someone who doesn't care (or atleast the man doesn't care if she does) about them going to a strip club. I have yet to find the art of handling this bachelor party/strip club dillema.
Just as a disclaimer before I go into any further detail: I have no personal issue with female strippers/strip clubs and have gone to them myself in the past. However, with this in mind I know first hand what the dances are like : a lot of touching, grinding, and breasts on faces. While this is all fine and dandy, I just don't like my husband to be on the receiving end.
So here lies the dilemma, in my mind and marriage, I do not feel comfortable with my husband going to strip clubs. And just as a sidenote: I do not go to male strip clubs either. Before there is any talk of trust or insecurities on my part, I will also disclaim that I completely trust my husband and that I am pretty comfortable with myself and my self esteem. These things are not what trouble me, what troubles me is that I believe that what goes on in strip clubs permiates the boundaries that are unique to my husband and I's relationship. I do not feel, in any circumstance, it's acceptable for him to be touched by another woman sexually/sensually or to indulge in another woman that way. I'm not naive enough to believe that my husband will never be attracted to another woman, however thoughts and actions are two different things. Dancers, whether they themselves are invested in the idea or not, are still gratifying their audience in an intimate way. In my opinion I do not ever feel comfortable with my husband being intimate with any one but me in any shape or form. When we vowed to spend our lives with one another only, he pretty much vowed to only ever touching this set of boobies, and this set alone, again in his life. No if's, and's, or but's as far as we are concerned. These are just my views as far as my own marriage goes and I judge no one who feels otherwise. And still, while many people would say, well he can go and just not touch boobies. I will retort by saying that if someone in the bachelor party he is with goes and hands a girl money to come dance on my husband, she isn't going to ask him if he, more less his wife, is ok with it first. And that's surely not her fault, she's there to make money and to make money she dances, and if you're at a strip club it's assumed you're there to see strippers. If anything, it's kind of rude to go into a strip club and be offended if a dancer approaches you. Afterall, what else would you be there for?! So these are the situations that worry me. Because in my opinion, my husband going opens up too many oportunities for scenarios like I just invisioned and many more that could easily cross boundaries for me.
With that being said, I find it even more irritating that you're deemed some kind of "bitch" or "that kind of wife" if you do not want your husband at a strip club for a bachelor party. For some reason, bachelor parties are now this "get out of jail free" card when it comes to strip clubs. A soon-to-be married man is encouraged to live up his "last night of freedom" by doing all things that a married man shouldn't/can't. I can't help but to hold a grudge with this idea of marriage causing you to lose some sort of freedom, because for me, marriage has been anything but a sacrifice of myself, but instead an enhancement of my life and opportunities. Either way, it really makes me angry that since this notion of a bachelor party is so widely accepted by society that I should be asked to set aside my own feelings and marital boundaries for the sake of some "last hoorah!" Not to mention, I find it insulting that my husband be called "whipped" if he respects my wishes and doesn't attend. My husband, whether he is married or not, is still FREE to do as he pleases. I do not own or control him. So if he chooses to respect my wishes and do something out of respect for his wife and marriage, I don't see how that makes either of us insecure, untrusting, wrong, or controlled.
I have asked advice from others and been told "Oh, that's what everyone does" or "well if you trust him there's nothing to worry about" or "it's just a one time thing." None of these responses seem to really grasp the fact that I don't care if everyone else is ok with it, I don't and it's my marriage. I just don't see how that says I'm insecure. If anything, I have enough respect for myself and my marriage to say that I don't think it's right for me and I won't tolerate it for the sake of acceptance from people who aren't even a part of my marriage!
Ok, so I know that was a long rant but I'm just really tired of being faced with the same issues and not really knowing how to handle the situation without causing some kind of bad response. Overall, my husband doesn't and won't go to strip clubs whether for a bachelor party or not. I just wonder how to communicate that to a groom or groomsmen who has other plans for him without causing issues like those I've mentioned. Is there even a way?!
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56 Replies
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Surely it is for your husband to decline and articulate (if pressed) his reasonings behind it (ie respecting the mutually agreed boundaries of your marriage)?
I am also in the “no strip club” club for relationships. I too agree that having boobies in the face (other then mine) is not relationship appropriate behaviour, even worse if you are wasting money on it!
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It seems that you have covered every angle possible and you both feel strongly on this issue, so there probably isn’t a way to communicate this issue to the other groomsmen.
You guys have your reasons, and if they cannot respect those reasons, it is out of your hands. The only way that I could think of lightening the mood when talking about it is to try and watch how your tone when speaking? I always hear from my mother, “its not what you say, its how you say it.”
So thats really the only way I can think of that may help- which you may have thought of it already 🙂I can understand your views and I would be lying if I said I didnt agree- you have made some very valid points and have logical concerns. At the same time- it is going to be a one night thing, he is coming home to you. You are beautiful and he will probably be thinking about you the whole time if there and bragging about you. He will probably say- My wife is the most beautiful woman ever and can run circle around the other women in here. He probably will not be the least bit interested in them and will probably enjoy his time with the other guys.
I hope everything works out and regardless if he goes or not, you will both be together and move on with your lives the next day 😉Ari- thank you for being open and sharing this issue. I think many other women will agree and if they dont, they can see this issue in your view point 😉
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Wow I am so impressed! I happen to be on the other hand and don't really mind if my fella heads to the strip clubs with his friends…. that's just how we are and has no bearing or judgement on those that are not ok with it. Azblanco is so correct, at least in my situation.. My fella is still quite young yet has come home and said to me "babe, those girls don't do anything for me, I would way rather be here with you". I am pleased. He rarely goes now it's usually only when his military friends are home on leave. He won't pay for dances and infact told one dancer who approached him Yes your pretty but your attitude ruins you.
The element of lack of respect that I have read in your guys statements, or levels of respect……….. The problem does not lie with you and your husband but in the groomsmen! That's just an oppinion. Stand for what you believe in and he should as well, the groomsmen should respect the relationship that you and your husband have period! It may be simple jealousy of what you two have that they refuse to see or respect how you two feel about each other! Ari your a lucky woman and in no way did you present any of that as a bitch. You presented yourself with respect for you, your husband and the relationship you believe in. Good for you!!!!
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Hmm…interesting dilemma. I think you really touched on all the facets of the issue. Well, let me offer my side of it. I'm a stripper, I entertained a bachelor party just last Saturday. We don't like getting groped by dudes, but it's a hazard of the job. More men want more groping for less money and they know they can get it because the economy is shit.
I think it's all about the type of club and how the males in the party approach the experience. For instance, this particular bachelor party was a bunch of very polite Canadian guys. They were a little tipsy but good natured. Three strippers sat in the booth with them and we mostly talked, they offered us drinks. The best man offered me a hundred bucks to lapdance his brother. I danced and the guy was super polite and we didn't do anything risque. So they were more interested in being entertained than getting sexual with the dancers and that was fine because they were paying us.
I'd research which strip club they plan to go to. Some strip clubs, especially Deja Vu's, have a very strict no touch policy. It's all airdancing. Whereas at my club, 90% of the girls are prostitutes so things can get very physical depending on the girl. And maybe just talk about boundaries. Do you have a problem with him just being in a strip club? Or is it only if he gets in the situation of a private dance? He needs to communicate with the other groomsman that he doesn't want a private dance. If it somehow happens, he can "refuse". By that I mean, I'd still take his money but I'd just sit there and talk with him or whatever. I haven't had that happen but I wouldn't be offended as long as I was still getting paid for my time.
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It is interesting to see this from this angle now. I used to dance and my man was very uncomfortable with it, especially bachelor parties. As to your angle, i feel the same way, hey i used to dance, i saw how some girls can be when money was flashed… That said my hudband knows my boundaries so i stay completely out of it when the issue come up. I let him handle his guys, he knows them best. they respect him more and our relationship more when he says “nah, man, i’m not down for that this time” than when i or he says “oh, i can’t my wife won’t let me.” know what i mean?
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Nicely said!!! I have always admired you girls and what you do, secretly wishing I could pull it off! lol shhhh it's still a secret. I'm grateful you can offer something I can't and I still get the benefits!!! lol Thank you!
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mkalis really put the outside view in perspective. It really does depend on so many things. and what it boils down to is who and what you really are inside yourself and your relationship
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Golgotha, I guess I worded that last question wrong. You and ninjachic are correct in saying that he has to be the one to handle the situation in the end. I don't/haven't stepped in to any situations like this and try to think that I leave it up to my husband. Partly why I vent here because I don't ever want him to feel like I'm saying "you are not allowed." And Ninja, I really liked what you said about him being the one to say HE doesn't want to go. I have told him before that he can "blame it" on me if it is easier, just because I feel guilty when he's stuck taking all the backlash, but you are right it's not just him who feels this way and I guess there's no need for me to be the scapegoat in that case.
I guess if the other groomsmen are jerks about it, that's on them and between my husband and his friends as Azblanco and Echo basically put it. I just wish that people were as accepting as all of you ladies seem about the varying ideas on the subject and differences in marriages/relationships in general.
Mkalis and Ninjachic, it's definitely interesting to hear it from your perspectives as dancers. Mkalis, I guess from my original post you could tell I was really skeptical of private dances lol However, you make a good point that there's no rule that he couldn't deny one. Yet, even considering that, just him being there does still make me uncomfortable after all. Plus, some of the things both of you mentioned about the more "relentless" dancers out there, or even prostitutes as you mentioned mkalis, is no news to me and yet another reason why I just don't feel like the strip club is no place for my husband. Not because I think he would indulge in those things, I just think it's not really worth the risk of some weird scenario coming up that wouldn't have had he not gone. Especially since neither of us are really crazy about him going in the first place.
It really "boils down" to what Echo said, it's all about you and your relationship. I just wish there were more people (namely a few groomsmen I know!! :P) who would understand that.
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can he go but stay outside the club!? that way he's part of the group, but just doesnt go in? drink on the street. (people do that in new orleans, but maybe your town doesnt allow that hmmm?)
save the strip club for the last event. then the other dudes can go and your hubby can bow out.
or can he find a couple other dudes that prefer to avoid the club and go to a regular bar and just meet up with the other guys after an hour or so? i think bachelor parties like to jump from place to place. it would be super boring if they only went to a strip club for the bachelor party. group a can go to club and group b will go to a different bar and the two groups can reconvene at yet another place at an agreed time
no problem
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AF, my husband always reminds me that guys don't really hold shit against each other. I agree that your husband should just be able to tell them he isn't interested in going because he's just not into that kind of thing anymore. If they push him, he should just be able to say, "dudes, none of your f'ing business. Go and have yourselves a great time. Now let's watch the f'ing game" None of them will really care, in the end.
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Katana, no drinking outside of the clubs here. We live somewhere where the liquor store is closed on Sundays and you can't order a drink until after "church time" (noon.) My hubs is most likely going to join them for cocktails and bow out before the strip club, as the plan stands for now.
Saphyre, you're post made me laugh (at myself a little, even.) It's funny how different the two sexes interpret things, right? I had to laugh a little at how long my post was in comparison to how short your "man" response was. lol.
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Yup! Kind of sums it up, doesn't it?
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i used to hate it when bachelor parties would come into where i danced and not get dances or tip well with the excuse of the wives or girlfriends. my feelings are, if they are not going to make it rain on my giggly ass, don't bother going in the strip club. rain only please
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oy- i'm not implying your hubby or his friends would do that!
just posting without thinking… random thoughts
too much internetting today lol
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As an exotic dancer I see all ends of the spectrum; from couples who go together for something as close to live porn on their mate as they'll ever get, to bachlors, to bachlor parties. In my opinion, I find the guys who are a part of the party much more respectful. It isn't uncommon for there to be a group of guys with one of them getting married, and the party only paying for dances for that guy. The groom-to-be gets molested all night and the rest of the guys sorrowfully look around for a couple of reasons; 1) they feel bad for being there without their wife 2) they feel bad for thinking about being there and doing things with these girls, almost like they're cheating on their better halves just by being there 3) they get a dance or two to reinforce that their wife is the woman that they're with for the rest of their life.
I've never had a married man come into my club and say, "man, I really screwed up marrying my wife, thanks for showing me that." If anything it's like…a kid going to a slumberparty. It's fun for the day you're there, and you want to stay for a bit. But you know that isn't your home, you wouldn't be sleeping in your familiar, awesome bed, and there will always be a part of you wanting to go home. It's entertaining, but it doesn't "feel" right, you know?
I'm not sure if you were just looking to vent or actually get answers/suggestions. But I used to have this problem BEFORE I was a dancer. Granted, I had super low self esteem. But something that really helped me (and something I see other couples do alllll the time) is, before a bachelor party, go to the club, and find a girl that you are comfortable with. OR a group of girls. Girls you who you've talked to for a while, other dancers have no qualms with, regular customers joke about her. A CLEAN dancer. And because you know her, you can tell your hubby that if he really feels a need for a lapdance, he can get a dance from that person(s). My boyfriend and I went to a club, found a dancer named Hannah that we both liked, and then he would go to the club without me sometimes. There's no garentee that he didn't get a dance from other girls while I wasn't there, but when you have trust in a relationship, there's no reason to worry. Plus, Hannah taught me a lot of things (;D) and told him a lot of what I would enjoy. I won't lie, though, it's hard finding a girl who isn't a hustler, and for ONE event, might be more effort than it's worth.
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