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The Bachelor Party/Strip Club Dilemma
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Katana- I can totally hear you saying that now because you're so silly like that! AHAHAA! Thanks for making my day 😉
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What an interesting topic. I totally agree with the idea that bachelor parties have been sensationalized. It’s stupid. I don’t understand why if men are making a commitment for the rest of their lives they would be engaging in behavior that completely contradicts that. (Well I do understand but it isn’t right). Anyway, to your question… I used to work as a bartender for private events at a normal bar in the city. Men would hire strippers to come in and the things they would do were awful… It made me so sad to know these men were married or getting married. I lost hope in the reality that monogamy could exist. These strippers did things I doubt ever happen at monitored strip clubs. I’m sure many of these men told their wives or girlfriends they were just “going to a bar for the night.” Little did they know…. I’m not trying to scare you. I’m just pointing out that maybe the strip club isn’t such a bad thing. I think if you have trust with another person. You should be confident that they will be honest with you and act honorably. Are you absolutely sure you wouldn’t be ok with him going and not getting lap dances? Lets face it, men are a bit more sexually primal than we are.
His friends are going to rag on him no matter what if he doesn’t go, I think there’s no way around that. I don’t think that’s right I just dot think you can avoid that. If you absolutely are not ok with it, stand by that. Every relationship is different and you shouldn’t have to feel unnecessarily uncomfortable. I think if you and your husband decide he won’t go that he should be the one to tell the group and you stay out of it. This way it’s clear the decision is his.
Trust is a beautiful thing. Good luck to you!
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Capfeb, I respect you and your boyfriend finding a comfortable compromise for you two. I understand that strip clubs can open up new possiblities for couples in their own sex lives and if that makes you both happy, I say go for it! Afterall, it's really all about what's best for you and your loved one 😀
Irmingard, "sensationalized" is the perfect term! I don't get the whole modern day concept of bachelor parties at all. I just think that if you are getting married, you should be out celebrating with your closest friends that you found someone to spend your life with. Not getting wasted and doing questionable things because it's your last chance to. I just don't get that mindset at all. But obviously, compared to like 80% of newlyweds, I'm in the minority there. Which is fine, to each his own..lol
As far as honesty and trust goes though, I truly believe my husband and I have the utmost of both in our relationship. We are completely honest and open with one another, we are best friends. I have no doubt that he would never do anything to break that if he were to go to the strip club, however I just still stand by the fact that I don't think my married man belongs in a place that openly exists to showcase women sexually. He's married, he has everything and more here at home. I don't say this because I feel threatened or badly about myself at all, its more because I respect myself, a lot, and I refuse to break boundaries in my relationship for the sake of appeasing someone else. I just feel like there's this idea that women should find a way to accept strip clubs because they are pretty much a societal norm now. As I mentioned, I'm cool with that. While my posts might make me sound like I really hate them, I don't. When I was single, I went to them with friends. They really weren't a big deal to me, they still aren't. However, I guess the bigger deal for me is doing what's right for me and my husband. He doesn't really express the desire to go, the idea of him going bothers me and so he doesn't.
I think this is an interesting convo though, I really appreciate everyone's opinions, even those that don't share my own. We have a lot of strong women on SV and I love it!
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I personally don't mind boyfriend going to a strip club. I feel that because it's the workplace for the dancers the last thing they would be interested in is some kind of personal affair. They are there to do their jobs, make their money and go back to their lives, their kids, their boyfriends or husbands at the end of the day.
but Ari if it makes you uncomfortable then don't worry about the groomsmen and how they would take it if your husband is not going. I doubt they are losing any sleep over how uncomfortable you are and how you would take it if your husband went along. You shouldn't have to justify yourself to them. If they counteract with "it's not a big deal" or "it's just one night" then something being written off as being so insignificant shouldn't be the end of the world to not participate in.
This reminds me of desperate housewives when Susan didn't want her husband going to a strip club and he felt it wasn't a big deal until she decided to work a shift there – suddenly it was not such a harmless place to be for an hour or two lol If your husband wouldn't have you doing what the majority of women at strip clubs do then it's only fair for him not to do what the majority of men do as far as the clubs are concerned!
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good job Cherish!!! That would do it for most men lol
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AMEN to that Cherished! It's not a big deal until the tables are turned. I'm sorry but I'm with Ari. I think its disrespectful to the Wife and to the marriage………i don't care if its only one night. Men just seem to get too many passes when coming to things like this.
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Lotus your so funny. And don't ever be sorry for how you feel hell that's what makes you you!
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I love strip clubs!! https://www.studioveena.com/img/smilies/icon_cheers.gif
I decided to learn pole at one for a matter of fact. Last year on my husband's birthday. We were there together. On my birthday one month earlier I was there with the girls. His brother is leaving for the military in a few weeks and I told him to take his brother. I mean hell he should go once before boot camp. lol.
That is just us and our relationship though. For US that type of trust is liberating and brings us closer together. Plus I have never seen a stripper work for free. If you don't sit at the rail, you don't get out your money, and say no to a couple of dances…. they are there to get paid. I am honestly more uncomfortable with with bar flys at a regular bar. They work for free. ha.
All that being said I wouldn't care if you or anyone else didn't like it, and you shouldn't care if anyone else likes the decision you make!! If it works in your relationship that is all that matters. I wouldn't worry about his friends too much, guys especially, but friends in general should be able to give and take some ribbing. By time the boobs come out they won't even be thinking about him not being there https://www.studioveena.com/img/smilies/icon_e_wink.gif
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I think your concerns are very valid, AriFerarri. Most wives feel that way and it's totally normal. It doesn't make you a bitch.Societies double standard doesn't help either. Could perhaps you and your hubby talk about boundaries? Perhaps he can go but no touching is aloud what so ever? Your hubby is totally capable of telling a stripper, 'no don't touch me, no I don't want a lap dance. Please lap dance for my friend instead.' My hubby and I talk about boundaries quite often when something like this comes up. We talk about if different scenarios come up, how will he or I handle it so we are both on the same page. And yes I do agree with marriage is one big sacrifice. 🙂
I am one of those wives that doesn't care if my hubby goes to a strip club. Is that weird? Actually, I do care, I'll just be jealous that I couldn't go! I've encouraged my hubby to go to a bachelor party where they go to a strip club. I think he's only gone once without me. Then when he comes home I make him tell me all the details and everything that happened that night. I trust my hubby like how you trust yours. I know he isn't going to fall in love with a stripper, I know he isn't going to sleep with one.I think the only boundary he isn't allowed to do without is me get a lap dance. He can look but not touch unless I'm there to give the ok. :p Lap dances in Southern Ontario are not just little lap dances. The strippers take you to a private room and they pretty much rub one out for you. That is something that would bother me if he did that without me but I know he won't. He tells me my lap dances are better and prefers if I give him one. :p Hubby and I went to a strip club together for someone's bday once and we got a double lap dance together. lol. If he wants a lap dance, then I want one too. Fair is fair! lol. No we are not an open relationship, and we only got a lap dance from a stripper together once. It was a learning experience. We felt extremely guilty the next day even though our feelings were not hurt.
Sometimes on a drunken night out together I'll ask hubby if he wants to go check out some strippers and he's like, no I rather see you strip for me. Awwww. 🙂
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I’d like to suggest a totally different way of looking at this. Bachelor parties are like going to a communion Mass and drinking wine when you, in fact, abhor drinking and despise alcohol as a vice. In other words, the “Mass” is not a “drinking party” and even though you may have sworn to abjure and abstain from alcohol, drinking the tiny bit of wine ritually defined as the body of Christ is entirely understood as a “rite” and not an actual instance of “drinking.”
OK, so when guys get together to humiliate their buddy and act stupid at the strip club, joke around, get a little grind and booby touching, it is, metaphorically speaking, a RITUAL. It’s not sex, it’s not stimulating, it’s not a betrayal. Mostly, for your typical, regular, normal bunch of mature men, it’s understood to be mostly bullshit.
I respect your feelings about the sanctity of your marriage, but I think you are overreacting here. Your man loves you. He’s going to go to his friend’s party; he’s going to grin and bear it, smile through his anxiety, then come home with a big sigh of relief. He’s going to do these things for the same reason he had to take naked showers in high school, or be the last one picked for soccer, or get punched in the face because he wears glasses–because he is a man and that’s what is expected of him. Then he will come home and make love to his beautiful wife.
Give your hubby a $20 for a lap dance, kiss him on the cheek, tell him to have fun–then call your girlfriends up for some wine and scary movies on AMC channel. He will appreciate being released from this guilt and anxiety about his relationship with you. When he gets home, remind him–in that way you know how–exactly WHY he married you and not the girl at the club.
My 2 cents.
Joel Lessing
Forest Park, Illinois
(“Poledancefan”) -
AriFerrari, I feel the same way about strip clubs as you. I have been married 16 years, and my husband hasn't ever been to a strip club. Maybe it's the crowd we run with, but the bachelor parties have usually been going to a concert, or private tours and tasting at a brewery, that sort of thing. Don't let the other people make you feel bad about your decision. The whole bachelor party thing is a complete double standard. I bet if any of those guys giving you a hard time about it had a girlfriend or wife who took some racy pictures of herself and said, "While you're out at the strip club, I'm going to send these pictures to some random guys. Don't worry, I won't have sex with anyone, but I wonder if they'll get turned on, or masturbate!" it would be a completely different story. lol
If you're not comfortable with it (as I wouldn't be either), then it can be damaging to your relationship. It sounds like your husband values you and respects your feelings, and his friends could learn a lesson or two from him about how to sustain a happy, loving relationship. One mediocre night out with the guys isn't worth upsetting your marriage or putting your personal values away for the night. Don't let their double standards make you feel like a bitch or untrusting, or whatever. They sound like jerks.
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I know this was a while ago but hey, that's what forums are for. 🙂
I think the point here isn't whether or not you should or shouldn't be comfortable with strip clubs, whether you feel jealous or not – the point here is knowing what boundaries are right for you and for your partner, and being able to communicate and aspire to them. Personally if my partner wanted to go to a strip club I would be fine with it, but then there are things I would not be ok with that other people in other relationships would be. We as a couple have our boundaries, which we have chosen, just as others choose theirs. Above all, communication and respect for your partner is what is key. The world is not going to end by your husband not going to a strip club, nor will it end if he does – but the first option is much more respectful to his partner.
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I noticed my original post was featured on Studioveena.com's Facebook earlier today so I thought I would pop in and update for anyone interested on how this all played out for me and my husband.
While I appreciated each different view/idea I was offered, we still decided to stick to our guns. He did not end up going to a strip club for any of the bachelor parties he attended. Notice I said "parties" 😉 While I can see how it would have been tempting to "grin and bear it", my initial post was not written in light of just one bachelor party. In 2012 my husband and I were involved in the wedding parties of several different friends and family members. One of these weddings even had two bachelor parties to accommodate groomsmen from different towns! Two of these weddings were one weekend after the other, as were their bachelor parties. Basically, my husband would have become a strip club veteran by the time it was all said and done!
I think what inspired my original, in-depth rant was the frequency in which we were dealing with this issue at the time. But while I may have never been frustrated enough to blog about it, I still would have come to the same conclusion even if it had only been a single incident. We ultimately both felt better about him not going. And in the end, I'm glad I did not go ahead and suck it up for the sake of social acceptance on this one.
While this may not even be something worth discussing in many relationships, it became a major and reoccurring theme for us last year. Eventually, I just decided that whether the majority or minority agrees with me on my views involving relationship issues does not really matter. In the end, it is really only about the people in the relationship working through their issues (big or small) with respect and consideration for the feelings and beliefs of their partner. This is exactly what my hubs and I did in this case.
So, when it comes to "the bachelor party/strip club dilemma," this is what works for us and will continue to work this year as we have another wedding plus bachelor/bachelorette parties to attend this September!
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Hi,
I have just read this and you are a brilliant writer. I could not have said it better myself.
Anywho, I have had the same discussion with my fiancé and it can be a big deal in a relationship. I find it to be a very taboo subject and because of that, it needs to be discussed.
I have the very same issue about my fiancé going to strip clubs. He doesn’t like them either and knows how I feel about them.
I might also add that to those that will say things such as “everyone does it”, you wouldn’t allow your man to get intimate with a girl that he met at a club, so what makes a strip club any different? I also believe that in a relationship, you should not put yourself in a tempting situation. My views are the same as yours, I don’t make judgement on women that allow their partner to go to a strip club and therefore I believe I should receive the same respect back.
The fact that it has become a norm makes it very hard on the women that don’t appreciate their man seeing strippers.
This conversation came up in my relationship a few times and more or less at the start of our relationship.
I’ve had his uncle tell him to have a stripper at his bachelor party and quote unquote “the stripper is what makes the party”. He handled it very well. I wasn’t there but he told me later that day. I completely understand where you are coming from and it can make it difficult when some people don’t care or respect your relationship. At the end of the day, you are coming home to him and vice versa, which means any outside comments should be thrown out.
I am very glad you brought this topic up because there are a lot of women that get put in the same situation.
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Quoted
" I'd like to suggest a totally different way of looking at this. Bachelor parties are like going to a communion Mass and drinking wine when you, in fact, abhor drinking and despise alcohol as a vice. In other words, the "Mass" is not a "drinking party" and even though you may have sworn to abjure and abstain from alcohol, drinking the tiny bit of wine ritually defined as the body of Christ is entirely understood as a "rite" and not an actual instance of "drinking."
OK, so when guys get together to humiliate their buddy and act stupid at the strip club, joke around, get a little grind and booby touching, it is, metaphorically speaking, a RITUAL. It's not sex, it's not stimulating, it's not a betrayal. Mostly, for your typical, regular, normal bunch of mature men, it's understood to be mostly bullshit.
I respect your feelings about the sanctity of your marriage, but I think you are overreacting here. Your man loves you. He's going to go to his friend's party; he's going to grin and bear it, smile through his anxiety, then come home with a big sigh of relief. He's going to do these things for the same reason he had to take naked showers in high school, or be the last one picked for soccer, or get punched in the face because he wears glasses–because he is a man and that's what is expected of him. Then he will come home and make love to his beautiful wife.
Give your hubby a $20 for a lap dance, kiss him on the cheek, tell him to have fun–then call your girlfriends up for some wine and scary movies on AMC channel. He will appreciate being released from this guilt and anxiety about his relationship with you. When he gets home, remind him–in that way you know how–exactly WHY he married you and not the girl at the club.
My 2 cents.
Joel Lessing
Forest Park, Illinois
("Poledancefan")"This is directed towards the words I read in this post though they come from you, this is not directed at you personally Joel Lessing (in fact I rather enjoy most of your contributions) but at what you had to say. Shut the fuck up. No I don’t mean it with all that vitriol and what not but that is some bullshit that guys try to sell to women to get away with walking in the shade. As someone who could have written MrsNaughtywed’s post verbatim down to the dual lapdance and funny feelings AND someone who has worked more bachelor parties than anyone here would care to know about and what you said about it not being stimulating and not betrayal is bull. And a little grind and booby touching? How would the reciprocal be received?? Would a man (not necessarily you) be okay with his woman participating in a little dick-y touching and a little clit-y grinding?
For some men, what you say is the truth, for others, not so much. And whether it’s a betrayal or not has more to do with whether the cards are on the table AND the partner is okay with it. I’ve given lapdances/played party games with a husband and wife, they were both cool. Then it was bullshit, then it was fun. But please don’t tell any female that a man with naked women in his face is going to “grin and bear it”. Oh! The suffering!!!! C’mon! what you said to the OP was some run of the mill sell her some shit shut to her up. And why the hell should she hand him and $20 and tell him to get a dance if she’s not comfortable with it? That’s not gonna make her more comfortable. You don’t SHOW respect for her feelings about her marriage by telling her she is overreacting here.
My .02 like I said not personal against you. Truth be told, personal against the fool who tried to sell me that RITUAL, (he used the word tradition, same thing) when he was very much enjoying himself.
Aviva
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