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The Bachelor Party/Strip Club Dilemma
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First I want to say that its awesome how helpful everyone is on this site. I can really tell you all care about this person's dilema.
I would not be comfortable with mine going to a strip club. I don't think that makes me a bitch and I dont think it makes you a 'bitch wife' for not wanting yours to go. Sex is an intimate thing, and to go to a place where someone is selling sex ruins the point. Men are supposedly visual so watching a pair of boobs bounce around is enough to be intimate.
@Joel Lessing – I'm sure it is funny and less serious than women make it. The problem is, whether its a game or not, it hurts us who care's feelings. Strip clubs are not about modest nudity or embarrassing guys, they're about exploiting the ability a woman has to turn a man on with her body. If mine needs to go to a strip club to have fun its hard to believe hes not there for other reasons as well. Maybe men are not there to get aroused, but I'm sure it happens in the process.
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"Eventually, I just decided that whether the majority or minority agrees with me on my views involving relationship issues does not really matter. In the end, it is really only about the people in the relationship working through their issues (big or small) with respect and consideration for the feelings and beliefs of their partner. This is exactly what my hubs and I did in this case."
This right here is awesome! Good for you, AriFerrari.
@Joel Lessing- Maybe I am reading this wrong but when you said to remind your man why he married you and not the club girl aren't you implying that we married for sex? So the only reason he is with me and not the other girl is I will have sex with him? https://www.studioveena.com/img/smilies/icon_e_confused.gif
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Sounds like your marrige, is a really good one! 🙂 Let him, say to his friends, that he is not comfortable with it. You could always give him a lapdance or a poleshow yourself. That way, you wont be "that kind of wife" – You would be that kind of wife, most men dream about 🙂
Personally I dont mind at all, if my hubby goes to a club. I actually so badly want to go to a strip club myself. But he doesnt feel comfortable with going, because he doesnt want any lapdances, from others than me, and unfortunatly, that means, I cant get one either. I respect that, because I love him, and because Im proud, he only wants me 🙂 So we create our own little private stripclub, with me as the star. Makes it really easy to compromise 😀
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Most-to-all women (with the exception of those who have honest-to-god psychiatric disorders) are hardwired very similar if not the same, mentally and emotionally. And what I say next may offend those who state that they aren't the jealous type and they wouldn't be upset if their significant other wanted to hit up a strip club, but it needs to be said.
I don't care, who you are, what you say, or how you normally act, women are driven mostly by emotions or emotional rationality and instinct. No amount of trust or high self esteem is going to counter that little voice in the back of your head that tells you something doesn't quite feel right about this situation.
Most woman, whether they want to admit it or not, get that small twinge of fear when a situation like this one comes up and their heart is invested. We all know what goes on at most strip clubs (especially if we've been to one), and unfortunately it is rather painful to see or know that someone we love dearly is ogling another's goodies regardless if it's just a one time thing-bachelor party-bleeblooblee situation.
I can say all of this with certainty because I've been through this same situation on more than one occasion with more than one x-boyfriends. Men are also hardwired, but unlike us, they're hardwired on a more sexual level in that it is in their nature to spread their seed quantifiably. I'm not saying that their conscious self is thinking this. It comes through on the mental waves of their little head. Their brain may be saying I have boundaries, I love my wife and she is amazing and hot, etc., but their little brain is saying hubba-hubba to what's grinding in their faces giving them instant gratification.
I hate to be an advocate for the roaming eyes of men but it really isn't their fault. It's like a person who's in love with food that is trying to be faithful and healthy but a huge greasy/cheesy burger is offered up on a silver platter. Of course the thoughts of cheating or indulging are going to be there. It's a natural response to the body's physical needs and desires. The only way to eliminate the desire for something, one must eliminate the source of that desire.
I, myself, am married now and happily I might add. We met when we were 17 (we're both 30 now) and funny thing is he's actually been my in between assholes guy up until about 4 years ago. And just like any relationship out there we've had our fare share of ups and downs, one down in particular stemming from a situation just like this one. After So many years of dating and having to revisit this issue over and over again with every guy I've dated, when we decided to finalize things I told him the following:
"Look, I can't stop you from going where you want to go, seeing who you want to see, doing what you want to do. You are your own man and I love you no matter what. However, as a legally, spiritually, physically, and emotionally bound couple, mine becomes ours and yours becomes ours, including our bank account and therefore earnings from labor each week. And if you think that I'm going to blow my well earned money on woman taking off their clothes to broadcast their second pair of eyes and lips, you are out your damned mind!"
This obviously means that if he's going to sacrifice this dirty pleasure for you, you must sacrifice something for him. In my case I give him what he wants whenever and however (sexually), and we are in agreement that makes things more even. I don't know if this method of marital compromise will work for every couple but it has certainly made things more exciting and interesting for us these past four years.
Also, for the "she's that type of wife" sayers, they are referring to wives who are not adventurous like you are, in that they don't pole dance for fun and exercise like you do. Why the f*** go to a strip club and blow all your money on strangers when your own effing wife already has the moves, practice, and enthusiasm to perform for you for free!! It's a pretty obvious decision if you ask me.
I'll tell you what to have your husband say to the so called groom/groomsmen, "Hey! My wife pole dances. I can see if she'll call up a few of her friends to put on a show for us and it won't cost a thing!."
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i don’t care where he gets his appetite from, as long as he always eats at home
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Just saying…
Joel is as entitled to his opinion as anyone else. I appreciate him sharing it. It seems I remember reading/seeing him discussing his first strip club visit a couple of years ago.. (Joel am I crazy?) Hahaha I guess I may be since I apparently have a psychiatric disorder. By the way, blanket statements are almost always offensive. Also Yes it is about self confidence/self worth. My husband & I have boundaries and I have enough self worth to walk away if he crosses them.
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obviously it has been a while since this post was started and has since ressurrected..
there are exceptions and grey areas in EVERY situation.
I think trust comes with maturity from both people in a relationship.
There are certain sexual acts that I would never participate in.. I dont consider going to a strip club to be on the scale of a sexual act (at least in my book) but for some people it is.. For those of you that refuse the strip club idea, have you ever enjoyed watching porn with your partner?? I view as the same thing its just in a strip club its live…
The girls want your money. They have other clients in the room, you wont always get boob action if its busy and if you arent throwing big bills.
Going to a strip club with your partner can be a really fun experience. It was nothing less than fun and exciting everytime my fiance and i went…
I consider this a cultural issue as well. Strip clubs are big where I live…
We know what to expect when we go, to spend at least 200$ after covers, drinks, and tips for the girls.
So i wouldnt consider myself to have a psychological issue either (im with you on that PlatinumAni)
in my case, its socially acceptable and i accept and personally enjoy it… so i certainly wouldnt mind if my man went with his friends for a bach party because ive experienced it and know what to expect… -
I have to chime in quickly here and reiterate something that PlatinumAni touched on, in the hopes of keeping the conversation constructive. Making a statement that we are all the same based on some demographic characteristic whether it be sex or skin color or anything else, has the potential to be quite offensive and I would assume I don't have to explain why.
I would like to say I have had the privilege of getting to know many, many couples in our travels around the country and there is most certainly many different approaches to sexuality and what everyone is really comfortable with and none of them are wrong. Making the statement that all men are categorically X and all women are categorically Y denies the amazing diversity of beliefs that allows mankind to fill the broad social spectrum it does.
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There are many many swinging couples out there with very happy marriages who obviously wouldn’t mind their partner taking pleasure in another person as long as communication is open and honest. Those people are sane just like anybody else, they just have a different view on the issues of how marriage is defined through love vs. sex. Everyone is entitled to their relationship ideals on both extremes of the spectrum.
I personally would be the girl that gives her man $20 and sends him off to the strip club with a pat on the bum, a wink, and a smile. I know that, aside from the expected booby brush-ups and grinding, he won’t take it any further. Because I know him so intimately, I know he simply does not have the ability to keep dark secrets. It would riddle him in guilt. So as long as we communicate and our unique boundaries are laid out, it’s all good.
Obviously my opinion is totally different from OP’s, and I’m not trying to change her mind at all. I’m just showing an example of how vastly different women’s views can be on what is and is not appropriate in a relationship. This does not make any of us more or less sane or reasonable than the next woman.
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I totally understand! Society is has some screwed up sexist views in my opinion. Is there anyway you might be ok with him just tagging along and just getting a beer and laying low? I have danced in a club for almost 10 years, and trust me, we don't like the bachelor parties either! Depending on where they are from they can be a bit much to say the least. Also, to reinterate what some other ladies said, it really depends on where you are and what club. In Portland, a lot of the clubs are strictly no touching, and air dances, with most of the activity being laying dollars on the stage while the girl shakes her booty (visual entertainment). I personally think most women are much more ok with the idea of their husband tagging along as long as they don't get lap dances, or smothered by some girls boobs.
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I agree with Joel here. I bumped into my fella towards the end of his lads night out a few months back and we all ended up going to a strip club. One guy had a dance which he said was unstimulating, one guy actually fell asleep and my bf refused the dance I offered to buy him. The other three just drank their drinks and chatted. A lot of men really don’t enjoy it that much, it’s just the done thing at some boys dos.
Whilst I understand your right as a wife to disagree with the plans and stop him from going, I don’t understand your reasons for wanting to. He doesn’t have to have a dance, he doesn’t have to be touched and you should trust him to say no.
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I know I am not typical, but maybe I can shed some light on how many different types of people exist.
I am attracted to men and women. I've known this about myself for a long time. I happened to fall in love with and marry my husband (who is straight) but all things being equal, if he were a woman, I would have wanted to marry him (her?) anyway.
We also belong to the community that Danielle Tillie mentioned. We are happily married and monogamous, but we do engage in occasional sexual activity with other people. We always do it together, safely, and with other committed couples in our exact same situation. You would be surprised to know just how common this is. The internet has made it easier for people like us to connect and do something that is healthy, but still widely misunderstood and stigmatized. I would put it on the level of intolerance of homosexuality in many parts of America. It works for us because we don't have to hide anything and truly be who we are. It's not for everyone, but it is exactly what we needed.
So going back to strip clubs – we are in a unique position. We often find that we are attracted to the same people. We have attended clubs together, and it's truly for the benefit of both of us. I'm not there to babysit him, I'm a paying customer there to enjoy the show like anyone else. (Chatting up a particularly athletic stripper is what got me interested to try pole classes! Well, that and going to see Cirque du Soleil.) Some dancers really enjoy women like me, and other times they seem confused or even upset that I'm there. I know that many dancers are not gay/bi and don't know how to interact with a female customer who is. If I sense any discomfort, I just chat about pole tricks and that ends up being fun too. There is a wide range of attitudes even among dancers! And all are equally valid.
My husband has also been to clubs without me. He gets to enjoy seeing women who are the complete opposite of my body type and enjoy a bit of escapism, and then comes home to take a shower and enjoy boring married life with me. I haven't gone to a club by myself yet, but it would be the same idea. For us, variety is the spice of life and allows us to enjoy ourselves and still come home to the most perfect person.
I look at it like differing attitudes toward nudity. I am American, but I recently spent time in Germany. The tradition there is to be naked in saunas for sanitary reasons (bathing suits can hold a lot of germs). I was naked in front of countless other people, male and female, all ages, for no other reason than to relax. There was no sexual undertone at all, and I loved it. But I get it that things are different in the US. There tends to be more uptightness about nudity (remember Janet Jackson's nipple?) and sexual expression. I think this is part of why strip clubs still provoke very strong feelings here. Of course there are many other countries in the world that are much more conservative than the US, and that's OK too. It's all about respect. People who are more conservative in their attitudes are not wrong or crazy – everyone is entitled to their feelings. That's the most important thing.
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I think the context is important here.
The original poster said this was a bachelor party he (or the BF) was expected to attend. That’s very different from saying, “Honey I’m bored with you tonight, I’m going out to Scores to get my grind on with the girls at the club.”
I don’t know the legal context of each state, Canadian province, or country. Here in Illinois (well, the suburbs) you cannot actually “touch” anything–certainly not a “penis” or a “breast” or a “clitoris” or anything else. It’s pretty much a lap grind with clothes on and the dancer is topless. Maybe a boob will get shoved in your face, but the CUSTOMER better not move or the bouncer will show him out the door.
Look, I’ve got no problem with how couples negotiate their intimate relationships. I did not mean to offend, hurt anybody’s feelings, or disparage respect for women.
And yes, I did write about my personal experience for Studio Veena in a strip club. It was lost in Archive 1.0 and for reasons involving another individual who has moved on to other career opportunities, I decided not to go into detail about it. However, I was actually TERRIFIED the entire time. I mean literally, body quaking full-on panic, lol. It was not, exactly, an erotic experience. I got a lap dance. Let’s just say the experience was…ummm..interesting…maybe gynecological…but NOT erotic.
I’m on a mobile device, so I cannot scroll back and see the name of the commenter who took me to task so vigorously…but I’m a really old guy…married nearly 30 years and I’ve seen EVERY kind of stress destroy marriages…from fathers walking out of the operating room on their disabled children because, “I can’t take it anymore…” to just leaving from boredom. And I’ve known EVERY kind of woman whose ever been a stripper–from women who just see it as a job…to women who LOVE it and do it long past the financial “need”…to women who do it because they are desperate and need money. And the customers…yes, it’s different for every guy.
But…like I said, it was a bachelor party. I’ve been to a few. Usually…yes….I HATE them, lol. I’ve PLANNED them. I HATED the ones I PLANNED!!! I hated my own bachelor party. That is why I said “grin and bear it.” I was also making a larger point–which is that not EVERY battle in a relationship is worth fighting, winning, or even talking about.
So…I’ve got a different perspective in that way. And I do try to keep things light. It’s how I’ve survived being married 30 years without my wife killing me! (Knocks on wood)
Joel Lessing
Forest Park, Illinois
(Poledancefan) -
As quoted by phoebe from friends ‘strippers are so cliche, get a magician or something’. Each to their own, but I thought doing something that means more than seeing boobies at your bachelor party would be so much more memorable and fun?
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@Joel- Why do men do that then? It seems like they must like it for some reason. Theres no way its just to pick on each other.
@bformosa – Lmfao.
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