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engaged but really becoming unsure….
hi veeners I am in a bit of a messy situation and really confused/hurt/upset by it and need advice from you lovely ladies. as some of you know i got engaged over the summer we have been together for 3 years this october. this is the only boyfriend i have never had an on again/off again thing with. we have stayed together the whole 3 years and been living together for the past 2 years, 11 months and 2 weeks. so we basically are around each other 24/7. he is 31 i am 26. we moved in with my family about a year ago to save money, he does hair and i am in the restaurant business and working on opening my own cupcake delivery business. we havent really been able to afford to move out but on the same note we have never really tried as we have admittedly gotten comfortable at my parents' house because they don't charge us rent, we just help with household cleaning etc. our living situation is definitely stressful and my family is very involved in what we're doing etc. my fiance doesn't speak to his family, hasn't spoken to them in over 4 years nor seen them, i have not met them and they won't be at the wedding if we have it. he is mostly used to being on his own and moved to chicago from st louis by himself about 8 years ago.
so thats the background, this morning we had an argument that started off small and has now gotten so big i am thinking of breaking off our engagement after his behavior. he was upset about having to clean the house for our engagement party thats this weekend because today is his last day off before the work week. i have similar frustrations but i already know what the expectations are of us so i dont ever let them get to me. i told him i would clean the laundry room to help him because he had someone coming to our house for a hair cut, and when he came in and saw me mopping the floor he got super upset because i wasnt "doing it the right way" and "making more work for him" i got really defensive/upset because i felt like, hey im helping you out why are you criticizing the job im doing?! he made a comment about me going to "check facebook all morning like i always do" which as you can imagine i did not appreciate. it got worse from there and eventually he told me to go "f-ck myself" and that my family is "a bunch of losers anyway" (losers that are giving him a place to stay for free) OMG. I was livid at this point. I have asked him a million times not to swear at me during arguments because its really disrespectful but he does it anyway. he says he doesnt appreciate the way I talk to him a lot of the time but he can tell me to f-ck myself??!?!? sorry but thats not okay or fair to me!!! i decided to leave the house to cool off and when he saw me getting in my car to leave to try to give us some space he then gave me the finger!!!! he has never done that to me before and i was so hurt by it. i could only think "is that what im in for my entire life??"
i am a super awesome fiance and will make him dinner and literally serve it right to him and since he cant seem to pick up his dishes and bring them back to the kitchen i do that too, not to mention the grocery shopping to buy the food so he has it for me to serve to him. it would be nice for him to cook me dinner too once in a while, but he always says "its our living situation" and he doesnt want to get stuck talking to my family so he doesnt do things for me. this past year for my birthday he got me absolutely nothing, not even a card 🙁 i dont feel like he gives me any extra attention at all or makes me feel special or appreciated. i have been the one that makes a bit more money throughout our relationship also, which i NEVER say to him, because i know he wouldnt want to hear it. but it makes me really angry to hear him complain and complain about our living situation with me making more money than him and him not offering any suggestions or ways he could contribute more so we could move out. and it makes me really mad he gave me the finger and i am his future wife! what the hell, who does that?
i am getting really concerned about our marriage because of all these problems. i know our living situation is a problem but i cant let him use that as a reason to treat me this way. i will admit i dont always talk to him the nicest i could due to outside stresses but I never swear at him and most certainly would never flip him off!!! not to mention call his family losers even though they literally are losers and that's why he doesn't speak to them, because they were terrible parents. he told me he just said that in the moment but there was a million other things he could've said besides that. when i got upset and cried when he said my family are losers he showed no sympathy just said that living with my parents has made me want to be babied….wow. i just can't be treated this way for the rest of my life but like i said i have asked him not to speak to me that way before and nothing changes. when i approached him to talk about this whole argument from this morning he just got defensive and offered no apologizies nor could he see anything he did wrong.
i think we need to see a counselor before i make any decisions but i want to know this now before i marry him if he really is this angry and hateful of a person. i feel terrible posting this because a lot of you have met him at pole events and hes always really nice in person…but in private he can be way different 🙁 what should i do ladies??? anyone experience anything similar?? i don't want to end things but i can't expect him to change or set myself up for a lifetime of unhappiness. oh and if you do know him dont tell him i posted about this here i dont want him knowing i told everyone about our problems…thanks ladies xo
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33 Replies
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Oh God this is hard. You have to make your own choice and remember that whatever it is, people here will support you and respect that it was yours to make. So I don't really want to tell you what to do. BUT, I will say this: People, men and women, DO NOT CHANGE unless they want to. You can't change him, and to be honest, even if he wants to change it is a hard thing to do. So he has to really want to. Not "oh baby I love you of course I don't want to hurt you, I just get so angry blah blah blah." That's not enough. So keep that in mind when making your decision. Marry someone with your eyes wide open.
I would suggest postponing the wedding (is that do-able?) and living on your own for awhile. Then you may get a better idea of what real life would be like with him and whether he's willing to pull his own weight and respects you in a "normal" lifestyle. I realise that's easier said than done but it's very hard to judge things when you're living in that situation (which sounds stressful for you both), and this isn't a decision to take lightly.
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Oh God dear, I have been where you are and then some. There are a few things I am going to say here. First and foremost, those that love and live passionately also fight passionately. It has taken many years for my husband and I to learn to fight fair but until that happened he always went in for the kill. There are stressors in your life and the wedding on top of it is making matters worse. The two of you need to sit down when both of you are chill and discuss things.
Fights happen and they can be ugly. However you cannot make any decision unless you have a calm and rational mind, and right now you don't.
One thing I learned is that the two of you need to be best friends. You should be able to tell him ANYTHING that you have typed here. It will not be easy but it is needed in order to make a relationship work. As strange as this may sound, check out any of the sights that talk about people in open/alternative relationships. There is a lot of really great relationship advice in there and how to deal with anger and jealousy. Explain to him though before hand why you are looking at those types of sites because the last thing you need is him thinking you are looking for something on the side on top of this all.
I will again reiterate TALK.
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This is just my personal view of all this. If he could tell you to fuck off and flip you off, I am thinking there is a lack of respect and maybe the engagement party should be rescheduled??? These things usually do not just happen once. I would take this as a sign and just slow down maybe. Just the fact that he did that would make me really think about where you are now. You are not married. You are not trapped…. yet. Not that it can not be worked out, but I would put things on hold. Just me though.
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Oh Glitter! I have no advice to offer you, just sympathy. I've been married for over 6 years now and some days I'm still unsure… As Chem said, you guys NEED to talk about this, and sooner rather than later. Trust me, it doesn't get any easier the longer you leave it.
*HUGS* and good luck babe.
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Initial reaction: GTFO! Your fiancé sounds like a jerk. However, a couple of questions do come to mind. They are, do you fight often (I consider often more than once a month)? What’s he like when you guys are not fighting?
I do know from personal experience that fights can get particularly nasty. My fiancé and I have said some things to each other that were really vicious and vile and never would have been said if we were not enraged (read: had really f*ing hurt feelings) and there were times when I considered leaving the relationship.We are still strong and I am pretty happy (very happy with him, myself being unemployed not so much hence the “pretty” qualifier) but we are both older and have been through a bit on our own before we got together and I think the experience has told us both that we really do want to be together and are willing to do what we need to for our relationship.
People don’t change so “you have to learn to live with what you can’t rise above.” Or like I first said, get out. Love is great but love without respect is fraught with drama and heartache. Unfortunately love and respect are not interchangeable because some people don’t have enough respect for themselves so they can’t respect others either.
I do think that any couple who has been together for a while will question their relationship and whether they are going to stay together during rough spots I think that’s normal. You have to decide for yourself if it’s abuse or angry hurt lashing out. One is constant and ongoing and the other is happening occasionally but isn’t everyday life.
You two do need to sit down preferably not in the earshot of anyone else and hash it out. Some things have to be worked out before marriage. (((((Glitter))))) I hope you feel some peace of mind soon.
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As for the swearing, it all depends on if this is his normal day to day vocabulary or how he reacts when he gets pissed. Muy husband swears and throws things when he is knee deep in fixing things and the more he swears the worse things are going (and I know to stay far away). In the heat of an argument it IS a lack of respect because you are going for the quickest way to hurt someone and shut them down. Not everyone fights the same. Some people get really quiet, some people throw things, some people get very nasty. If you understand a person's fighting style then you understand what things to take with a grain of salt and what things to get upset about.
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Oh, my sweet, Glitter! I am so sorry to hear this! My belief is that how two people behave in and react to an argument will determine weather they are compatible for the long haul. The most important thing is RESPECT! You can get loud, throw things, swear, whatever. Never, ever should you call the other person names or be completely disrepectful of who they are at their core. It sounds like he has some deep rooted issues with his family that are starting to pour into the present. I think this is what they call Passive Agressive behavior. You have already been given some FANTASTIC advise here. Once things cool off, you and Rikki need to sit down to determine what's really happening. Is he feeling resentment towards you for some reason? Tell him you want to understand why he got so angry. Try not to use the "you" word, as in "You were a f**g a**hole, Why?" Turn it to, "I felt very frustrated and surprised today. What happened? We need to figure out where this anger came from." Maybe he won't feel as defensive. I so agree with Chem. You should have enough respect and friendship with each other to be able to talk this out. Good luck, my friend!
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Dear Glitter;
I'm sorry to hear about your situation, but it will get better. I had a very similar situation last August. We had been together for three years, engaged, living with my parents rent free. I was unemployed but never asked to go out to dinner, cleaned the house on days I wasn't severly depressed, and never asked for anything to be purchased for me.
I put up with a phrase that I absolutely hate hearing; "No, you're stupid." No, you're stupid. We're adults, you shouldn't fall back on should a childish immature response. And it was never because I said something stupid (which, we all do.) It was because I had a different opionion!
One day I said something at a get together with friends (they were on the team he was captain of) and he pulled me aside and said, "Why the F*** did you say that?" And I told him it was because that was how I really felt. And then he said, "that's fine, but you can't say things like that in front of my friends. You can't disagree with me. If I don't have control over my relationship, how can I have control over my team?" This rubbed me the wrong way, as I have never assumed that I've "controlled" my fiance and that he's never tried to control me. The relationship seemed to slowly die after that.
I held on for a really long time, waiting for him to change. Whenever we talked it was always me expressing what made me feel bad, and suggestions on how to fix it. When I asked for his input it was always, "you're right, dear." Just because he didn't want to be stuck in an arguement, not because he actually agreed.
The painful part is that he was my best friend, and I knew that. There isn't a person on this planet who had my back more, or loved me more, not even my parents. He made a lot of sacrifices that I appreciated, but when I look back they really weren't sacrifices. An example would be the whole reason he moved in. He moved in from east detroit where he stocked magazines for $11 an hour. He only worked 15-20 hours a week. That's about $800 a month. That's not including taxes, gas (he was spending $150 a month on gas just to get to work, that's not even including personal gas use) a $400 a month check to pay off school loans. And $100 to pay his mom's cellphone bill. That didn't leave him with a lot of spending money. And he was a serious fast food junkie. So really, he was only saving about $40 a month.
When he moved here he immediately picked up a job within a month. Wanna guess how much money he was making? $2000 a month, not including bonuses! We were happy for a while, but apparently this was a huge sacrifice, as he was now putting $800 a month into his savings account.
That was a tangent. Point was, when things happen they seem like one person is at fault, but at the end of it and in retrospect, more times than none ONE person was right.
Anyway. Eventually it got to a point where he was seeing a woman online (never in person) behind my back and I knew every little detail about it. And I knew that something had to be done. I had asked him once to pick between her and me, and he told me that famous phrase, "No, you're stupid. You can't pick my friends for me."
So here's what I did. I made myself answer some questions. Relationships aren't black and white, or pros and cons, but this really put things in perspective for me.
What do I lose by breaking up with him? I thought I would lose a lot of abuse (and believe me, I did) and be super happy. I would lose my life partner. I met a lot of friends through him that I would probably lose. (at this point I imagined our breakup would be nice…and it was for the first two days…then it wasn't |: )
What will I do afterwords that will make me happy? I was so far past happy it wasn't funny. I woke up for three weeks miserable. I barely ate, I cried all day, I stopped looking for a job for while. Happy was a word that was now outside of my vocabulary. I just didn't want to be miserable anymore. Will it make you happy? OR, NOT miserable?
If proposed, what would he have to say to make me reconsider breaking it off: This one might sound a little strange. But there were things I knew I could not live with. And asking him to change these things would NOT change him as a person. I never asked for that or expected that. But he needed to stop telling me I was stupid for having opinions, and stop talking to the woman who e-mailed and said, word for word, "If I break you two up and end up with him, then it will all be worth it." He didn't say yes to either, so we broke up.
Finally I made a list of all the things I felt he did "right" or that made me feel like I was super lucky to have him around. A lot of the time when we complain about our spouses to others, we never tell people the "good" unless we're trying to brag. I appreciated that he always tried to talk to me when I was upset. Whenever I had a bad day he would come home with an ice cream cone for me. He always rubbed my shoulders when I was stressed. He would not leave my side if I was still crying (doesn't mean he was happy about it, he was just super stubborn 😛 )
At first we were friends…that lasted two days. Then I found out that she was flying out here and they were in a relationship not 10 days after his three year relationship ended. I cut all ties. Found out that apparently, for the last TEN YEARS she's been doing the same routine; finding guys who were in relationships, breaking them up, and moving in with them so she never had to get a job. I found out later that they broke up 3 times in six months, she never did get a job, she forced him onto food stamps, blah blah, sob story sob story. It's been one year. Think she has a job yet? Nope. They remedied their food stamp situation by having on of his friends move in with them from the other side of the country.
And those first six months without him were really hard. It was like every day someone was sawing off one of my fingers. With a chainsaw. Really slowly. I would have nightmares where he came back and suddenly everything was okay (which made waking up really dreadful.) But the second I found a job, I was like, "Alright, I got this." And everything started to get a lot better. I think it was because I was forcebly distracted. It was a good thing. I got me into a way of thinking that every thought WASN'T of him, which was much healthier. I no longer had days where I was like, "Well…I'm not depressed today…that's good." I had days where I was actually happy. And all the while he'd been hinting he wanted to get back together and I just kept saying, "No. We can be friends. I miss my best friend. But I'm not dating you because I realize you just aren't capable of change. You don't see anything wrong with trying to own a relationship. That works for your submissive POS current girlfriend, but that won't fly with me. I'm worth so much more than that." I gained so much self respect and grew as a person. And sometimes, unfortunately, even when you love someone. You just have to grow up seperately as people. After I came to that realization, I began to do pole, so that probably also helped.
Today I'm still single, and I still have those days where I wake up in the morning wondering what it would be like to not have one side of my bed empty. Sometimes I have dreams about him, but they're never about us getting back together; they're always reminding me why we aren't best friends. But I learned a lot about what I look for in a partner and what doesn't work for me at all. I'm okay with being single for a year, a few years, more than half a decade if at the end of it, I meet the person who's right for me and I'm not just settling and staying together because love has become the only thing we have in common.
This was just my personal experience, and I'm not at all saying you should break up with him because you'll be happy. It's a lot to think about. It took me 6 months to finally say, "I've had enough." I just hope whatever decision you come to, it will be a lot easier for you to make and stick to than it was for me.
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Oh, and I forgot. If you want some helpful advise from a woman who has spent 26 years with her husband, I think it helps to set up what we call "argument boundries". Before Dennis and I were married, we established some ground rules for arguments. They're gonna happen. As Chemmie said, you need to understand each other's fighting style, but there should also be a line in the sand as to what determines going too far. Ours include "name calling". We will never facetiously call each other "asshole" or "bitch". We will never tell the other person that we hate them. We will never demean or belittle each other's careers. (this can be something that is talked about, just not in an argument) . We will never argue about family. Not ever! (this also falls into something that can be discussed not argued about). We agreed that if these lines are ever crossed, it is the responsibility of the line crosser to apologize. No argument about that. We each have to have enough respect for each other to stick to these rules, walk away as soon as the line is crossed, take responsibilty, and apologize when neccessary. If a couple is not able to do that, then there are some issues that are better discussed with a counselor or mediator. You two can make your own rules. To me, this was as important a discussion to have before marriage as was the "having kids" talk.
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*huggs* I'm both sorry and happy this happened–it really sucks to have a huge fight but if you can take it and make it something good then that's a net positive result.
I'd say two things–first, stress changes people. Living with your family and all the stuff in your life is pretty stressful, i'd bet. That can forgive some stuff. Stress can make you act really dumb…but at the same time, your partner needs to be able to step back and say 'I'm acting like a butt and I need to get a handle on myself.' If s/he can't do that, you're going to be in for a ride. Stress doesn't stop, it just lays dormant and ready to pounce any day.
Second, people don't change when you marry em. Go into the marriage with wide open eyes. Be very willing to explore your partner's faults and accept them before tying the knot. It's not a sign that you don't love them or that you are a bad person…you need to think long and hard about their faults and your fault and make sure that you guys can be compatible in the long run. When my husband and I were engaged, we had one of those huge fights where I sat out on the porch and counted all the bad things about him and reconcilling myself to each one–trying to make sure that if this thing about him never changed, it would be okay and it was something I could live with forever. This is a good thing to do.
Get to consuling and make sure that if he's the person who can be a good husband to you and be a partner in your life. Don't take everything on yourself now cause you may end up regertting that in the future.
And, uh, make sure you have your fights indoors so your neighbors don't all stand out on their porches with their beers watching the two of you scream at each other. 😉
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Gllitter….I know you, and I think Katie and I have hung out with your man more than you, when staying at your place last time. You are both amazing, talented people. I care about both of you.https://www.studioveena.com/img/smilies/icon_heart1.gif
I have sat at your parents table and he has told me how much he loves you! How much he wants to have a life with you and how much he wants to move out!! He has told me how frustrated he is with the living situation, and he just wants to be with you, he said living with your family is very stressful. I think he feels trapped….He doesn't want to "leave" you to move out, but he really is frustrated living there to please you and your family.
As for fighting….well…..I have told Chris to F*** off, yelled..no SCREAMED at him and said things I did NOT really mean at all!! We have slammed doors, took off in the car with wheels screeching…..Fights happen. I love Chris with all my heart, he is my best friend and we are meant to be together. Yet, we still fight and we use to fight big (well I did). As we've both grown we've learned how to fight. Most of the time now we sit on the couch and talk, there isn't any yelling.
As others have said….TALK TALK then TALK some more. Chris and I share EVERYTHING. Never assume you know what the other person is thinking and never assume the other person knows what YOU are thinking or what you want from them. TALK. Get out of your parents house even if it means you live in a box. https://www.studioveena.com/img/smilies/icon_safesex.gif
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Glitter, I am so sorry to hear that you're dealing with this kind of thing. I know that when my marriage was breaking down (this time last year, actually) it was terrifying. I'd been with him for 6 years, married for 3, and living with him in another town, three hours drive away from my family and support system.
That said, I may have a somewhat biased view of relationships, but… I think we all do.
On the topic of arguments, I don't agree that "I was angry" was or is any kind of excuse for swearing or yelling or being cruel. I used to get "I wouldn't fight so hard if I didn't care a lot," and I accepted it because… well, hey, it SEEMED reasonable! But, outside of the relationship, I look back and think NO, if he REALLY cared, he would have kept a level head and tried to argue his point rationally, so that we could both come to some sort of conclusion. If he was really so concerned about me, he would try to argue his point in a way that did, in fact, seem rational and be easier to understand, instead of yelling and swearing and shutting me down.
I found a "Cracked.com" article about it once, and while they may be all about the jokes sometimes, this was a really good one for me to read. It talked about taking breaks when things "got real" such as when people were getting seriously angry, swearing or being condescending. It also talked about arguing with a goal in mind- what are you trying to accomplish with the conversation? That sort of thing.
Getting married is a huge step, and something I think a lot of people don't realize is that it's still a relationship, and it still needs to be maintained, worked on, and kept up. It's not "in stasis," it can die. It's just the same as your relationship right now, except that you've both proclaimed to the world (and, if you're into that, to God) that you will stay with each other for as long as you live, and that you believe your relationship can weather ANYTHING. And that is my belief for marriage. Both people have to agree on their marriage commitment before it can work.
There is a lot of great advice here, but I think the main one is best: You guys have to sit down and talk. Have a conversation about the big, deep things, the touchy things. Without arguing, or without yelling and name-calling. It's very important to be able to be "intimate" in ways other than the physical. Mental and emotional intimacy is amazing, fulfilling, and very important.
I have a lot of hope for you, Glitter. I want you to be happy, and to be ALL YOU, as much YOU as you can be! You're totally worth fighting for.
Also, yeah… you may want to think about moving out of your parents house. I totally understand having a rent-free place to fall back on, but the independance may help with both your relationship, and for you to create your own philosophies, understandings, and boundaries in the world. I seriously love my Mum, and she is always in my life, I see her at least once a week… but living in her house is something I prefer not to do anymore. I like having my own place to play with!
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Follow your gut instinct- it’s rarely wrong. Every bloke I have been with I have known from the off if its going to ultimately work out in the LONG term. That’s not to say that I dumped them straight away but I did listen to the little voice when it all got silly that said ‘sack it off as a bad job’ it hurts but you get over it.
I’m not saying get rid-I’m saying follow your gut instinct, whatever that is- It’s right!! Sometimes you really have to concentrate to hear it, but it’s there x -
There's alot of good advice in here for you. I would agree that you terminate the relationship and for him to move out and if he love's you the way he has said he does then he should earn it back take you out and treat you well. The guy, now wait , the man is 31 yrs old and can't even rent an apartment…really!? He is not responsible and to me he is a sponge and a controller.
He is treating you like this while under your parents roof *yikes* . I would fear at how he would be with children or even pay child support should your marriage not work out. I would actually go and see his parents and evaluate. I hope you go in with your eyes open and also see if he has any previous child(ren) that he isn't providing for.
He has no respect for you at all. He is getting everything for free and he basically doesn't have to work for anything.
I don't know how the laws about co-habitation but count your blessings that you don't have to split everything 50/50 and no children in the relationship. Finances are the biggest reasons why people divorce.
To me bottom line is: He is not a man and until he proves that he is a man then I wouldn't even give this guy a second look or chance.
This may not be what you want to hear and I am sorry about that.
There is a man out there that is more than worthy for your hand.
You didn't say how your parents feel about all of this and in their defense they probably have weighed the pros and the cons and so, this is why they are letting both of you live with them in order to protect you. Then I could be wrong and they could be enablers. I believe it's the first thought for this situation.
I would focus on your goals and your cupcake bus. and move on.
I wish you all the best and don't mean to hurt your feelings here either as there's alot of dynamics to look at and to evaluate.
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I think your best bet is too talk. I get married next year and the amount of stress it causes sumtimes makes you think is it worth it. I spent 6month living with my partners family and as grateful as I was to be put up it was hell :/ you feel like your rellying on sumone else you feel down because you feel you should be doing more. You cnt get any privacy to your self’s it is very hard to do . You may find your partner could be having issuues with this he maybe be feeling a little worthless because he is not providing for you like he wants to. The things he said are nasty and I know they most off hurt. But if I speak honestly if I get in a argument with my partner I no full well how to push buttons and most of us do no how to make the other person upset as much as we don’t mean to we throw everything at them to make them feel poo if that’s how we feel . But there always a reason. When we fight I’m the type of person that needs a hour thinking time to reflect where as my girlfriend dosent she likes to talk there and then and I then feel pushed and being forced to talk and discuss and that makes me feel uncomfortable because I cnt talk openly after a argument coz im angry . So I have lernt if I’m nasty and a bit disrespectful witch at the time I am witch isn’t a good thing but it stops her from pushing me to talk when I’m not ready I get my space to just think because she storms out if I push that much . Afterwards it then crosses my mind n I think why n earth did I say that. But sum times people do nasty things to push sumone away not through lack of love or respect just for space to think things over them selfs. Life will throw everything at you but only you no if its worth fighting for. People do change in life with support and my girlfriend is proof off that. Good luck with this n I wish you all the best and a happy life full off love ahead 🙂 xxx
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