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engaged but really becoming unsure….
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Veena, yet another reason I think you and I and Webby understand each other so well.
Passionate people
Passionate fighters
And a few of my friends that have just as passionate relationships fight just as passionately.
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I'm sorry that you are experiencing so much stress right now. There has been some much great advice given and I know that you will figure out the right decision for you. The best thing i can suggest is find someone to talk to. Go to counseling together, go by yourself. Find someone you can talk out your feelings with. Counselors are great for being a neutral party to help a couple work things out with. They can help you establish healthy fighting rules. Sending you positive thoughts.
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Glitter, there is so much great advice here. What I can tell you is I am on my 3rd marriage and it took me until my mid 40's and my husband his mid 50's for us to finally get it right. He has never raised his voice at me and I can actually say we have NEVER had a fight! We have been married 3 years, together for 4. We have passion, repect and so much love for each other. Maybe it is because we are older? Not sure. But my first husband had a temper, nothing physical, but I got to the point where I decided I don't really need his "blow ups" the rest of my life. I need someone to treat me like a woman and the princess that I am. You too are a princess, and you deserve a king to take care of you. Maybe after you talk to your fiance, you can get this figured out, but if not……..at least your smart enought to at least address this before actually tying the knot. Hugs your way……
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Thank you ladies for all the great responses and everyone that shared their personal stories, I knew I could turn to my veena sisters about this. After things calmed down a bit we talked and I asked him if he would be angry if I told him someone flipped me off to which he said yes and he could see the point I was trying to make. We are going to counseling and hopefully that will help us sort some stuff out. Zoey’s comment basically hit it on the head about what were going through and I hope it’s just a phase due to our living situation. I will keep everyone posted thanks again ladies you are the best!!!! xo
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Oh Glitter I am so sorry you are feeling so confused and troubled. I know we've talked about this before after a different fight and you were feeling just as confused. 🙁 You have to ask yourself how do you really feel about your relationship. I know I've talked to you about the morning Veena and I had that long talk with him and he said how much he loves you and your future together…he didn't want to have to choose between you and moving out, but that the living situation was suffocating. People need their own space, he might be totally different if the living circumstances were changed. Does he apologize after your fights? Honestly he sounds just like me. I am the one who swears and throws insults around. I think I may have called my husband "retarded" (aren't I a peach?) no less then 8x this week. There are times I wouldn't blame him if he wanted to leave me. But I do always apologize and I really hate loosing my temper. He knows I love him, but I know that doesn't make it right. I have gotten much better with age I think. I remember the first year being married I think we fought SO much. We bought a house and moved out to the middle of nowhere, I lost my job and just felt so confused about who I was for awhile. I know we had some crazy fights. Passionate people do have passionate fights.. You are both different people and will handle conflict differently. Marriage is NOT easy, not at all. Nothing worth doing is. That being said, if you are honestly having concerns about your relationship, you might have to make some decisions. Communicate with him, away from the house, and voice your concerns. Maybe delay the wedding another year, until you have moved out? Get your own place, get settled and plan your wedding together? Sorry, I know that is probably not what you want to hear. How much rent can you two afford? Even a large studio apartment? Sorry sweety. Msg me if you wanna talk. I'm home tommorrow.
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I'm going to give what advice I can. I actualy JUST had a little bit of a fight with my hubby and we managed to do ok. (fighting is extreemly rare for us. when we fight I will say that we are brutal and it is Baaaaaaaad.) Some rules that we have implimented with fights/relationship is-
#1- "sit-down time" When we start to fight and we recognize it we call a family meeting and we have "sit-down time" where we have to be quiet and think about what we want to say and what is bothering us. We HAVE to stay quiet for at least a minute.
#2- "count to ten and just breath" Both my husband and I have families and histories of really awful anger issues and our very first fight was….. very very bad. We had to impliment this old rule used with children- just taking those few seconds to breath and count really keep the fights from getting out of had. Sometimes we even have to do it repeatedly- but it keeps thigns from getting really bad.
#3- "stinkbrain": number three is something we've used for only a short time but it really has helped. Learned from -http://offbeathome.com/2012/11/relationship-hack we have a series of words that we agreed upon that are fairly childish and within boundries for namecalling (sometimes you really do get so mad that you really feel the need to lash out.)This is one of our ways without being as hurtful as a middle finger and honestly most of the times that we've used it it just made us giggle a little and got us to sit down on the bed and talk about what was wrong. (usually though I require that we do this at the table but sometimes after a stand-up fight where we got mad enough to call names it feels good to cuddle and just talk a little.)
#4- "comunication": In our relationship…. I have a hard time communicating. He never knows something is wrong and vice versa usually because there is no word/warning/or signs. because of that about a year and a half ago (we got into a fight so bad I started looking about information about divorce. It was REALLY really bad.) we made a rule that we had to talk to each other- ALL THE TIME. If we didn't like something we had to say. If we liked something we had to say. Anythign and everything had to be mentioned. Recently we decided to revise it a little and now we are starting regular "family meetings" where we can have time to litterally "lay thigns on the table" and mention things that may be bothering/worrying/we;d like to do more/ we'd like to do less/we need help with/ we want to be left alone for ect. as well as thigns like working out the schedual for the week and food planning. (now that last part for us we've struggled with because both of us are very…….. unorganized usually and very spontanious so having a set plan for food and stuff is a little difficult for us.)
Now as for your fight- One thing that needs to happen is that you make a list and if you feel ok about it then ask him to do the same and say you are going to meet in so many minutes and talk about the thigns on your list. I'm not sure if this is good or not but I really open with what the fight made me think or what had been going on in my mind before that (the fight we just had earlier pretty much opened with a "if you don't get your shit together I can't emotionally keep doing this and loving you or not I will need to move out and concentrait on me for a little while.") I beleive that being honest (and maybe scaring them a little) really puts things in perspective for your other. Talking and sharing what is going on in your head (because they can't read your mind) lets them see what is happening. But make a list and go through it- and make sure to listen. Listening to the other person is important- try not to EVER intterupt (if I have something to say then we agreed that I will grab his hand to let him know I have words and when he is done he will allow me to talk. The same goes for him.) Take turns- each of you are hurt and fights are scary and lots of words and emotions bubble up in BOTH people so both people will need time to talk about things on their lists but having each person have a turn makes the conversation feel more equal.
Also- marriage is scary. Sometimes with planning a wedding it seems like you are just jumping up and down and trying to make that tiny jump take you to the moon and it gets amplified by the wedding hustle and bustle and becomes a big scary thing. I got a little freaked by the wedding and thank god my hubby is the mostly level headed one about stuff like this but he said to me "we live together now- this is just a peice of paper that makes our relationship valid for the state. I will love you the same, I promice to treat you the same, and I love you not matter what- the wedding is just a party to selebrate us being together. We wil be ok no matter what happens." this helped me sort of see through the wedding glaze of panic I'd gotten into. There is a possibility that your gent is a little scared and freaked but not TALKING about it because he thinks it would upset you. Ask him how he feels- reasure him that things will be ok.
Now I have been in a similar situation to be honest. My ex-fiance and I…. well…. sometimes it doesn't work out and it takes a LOT to see that. It happens- but it is not the end of the world. Yes it hurts… but all in all if you take it one step at a time you will get where you want to go- even if you don't end up doing so with the person that you thought you would be taking those steps with. Remember- take a deep breath and keep your head high. You can do anything that you put your mind to- even the tough stuff.
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Glitter, I am SO happy that you guys have talked, and are seeking counselling! I have so much hope for you and your man!
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I thought about it more and realized I should give it more thought and we should go to counseling before we do anything. I was super upset when I did my original post and I made him out to be a huge jerk when 95% of the time he is really nice and everyone I know loves him and totally approves, he is my best friend and i have a better connection with him than anyone else. He does open the car door for me etc. We could move out money would be tight but we could do it so I know he would find a way to make it happen we have just gotten comfortable here and with a wedding to pay for its a little harder, but I’m also starting a cupcake delivery service (delivering them dressed in a 50s outfit lol) and shipping and hoping it takes off enough to make at least some side cash, there’s nothing like that where we live. It’s nice knowing we aren’t the only ones in this situation though!! Thanks again everyone for sharing your stories and advice 🙂 seems like communication is what we need to really work on and having a mediator is good. But most days I do look forward to getting married and making him my husband so my doubts are in the minority. He still wants to get married but said he would go to counseling so we can work on our issues.
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Glitter, we are women! We all get into these moods and "let our emotions out". Heck, I'm afraid to look back on my profile on old posts. Although nothing about my hubby, there are plenty of vents I posted about people who I got into something with. Thats what great about this community, we all support each other no matter what!
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Ohh I also should mention in four days I will be singing backup for Aunt Flo and the cramps *glances down shamefully*
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Honestly, it's very strong of you to be able to come and say that you were upset and perhaps exaggerated slightly. I am very happy that you feel that way toward your man, and I'm also very happy that you're seeking help, because it shows that you both are commited and want it to work!
Also, your cupcake delivery service sounds awesome. I wish I lived closer to you 😉 -
Just noticed I must have been writing my post when you were posting your response. Good for you…take care sweety. I wish I was closer!
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You follow that beautiful heart of yours. It will lead you in the right direction, if you listen. Even though you LOVE him your heart will tell you if/when it is time to go. In the end you have to do what is best for you. I have walked away from 2 very sincere loves irreconcilable diference I suppse. 1 tried to control me, the other couldn' control their consumption issues. (as in anything to get *pardon me* F***ED up) I was silly enogh to think I could help in that situation…..
Now I am married and giong on a year…. let me say; not even the first year is easy and we had lived togehter on our own or 4 years. We still suck at fighting, but it gets better all the time. I am mean….. he sulls up….. neither approach helps. So then we scream *mega helpul*….
Anyway at the end we know for us it is worth it. Generally we resolve our issues and that one is of the table. The fights are less often and even better they rarely escalate into the above now.
I am here either way. you have my number. Text, call, show up at the door and you crash in my comy chair and a half by the fireplace, pole in the next room. Whatever 😉
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How you are before marriage is how you will be after. If you let someone treat or talk to you anyway and alwaysaaccept it they won’t change you go into how you want it to be. If you are strong and independent then be strong and independent there are guys who value and like that if you are needy there’s guys out there who like that too. I was in a long relationship he was my world my best friend the father of my kids I did what you did and catered to him first even had same situation as yours. It started with just words and moved to him kicking my @ss almost killing me a few times. Not saying yours will get to that point but you never know if someone is showing signs like that you have to listen to your heart it knows what you should do. If he’s stressed then he should know you are too and that bring you together and Mayne he has too many issues dealing with his life and family to make such a huge commitment right now. Or he might have doubts too you should talk calmly if that doesn’t work ask him to write what’s wrong and how he thinks you guys can fix it and you do the same and exchange papers but NEVER marry someone because deep down you don’t want to be alone. I have been single for a little over 6 yrs at first hardbutility with time I got to know myself and my dreams and wants in a partner so when I do meet someone I can make better choices. Cause like u said if he’s like this now how will it be when married and have kids living in own home and things tight or he’s not getting much business or god forbid gets fired are those gonna stress him out to cause him to flip? Cause with three kids I know it’s stressful and hard do you want a family with him if these little trials is too much for him
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🙂 glad I could help. Just coz things get heated dose not mean he dunt love you or respect you. We all do stuff in the moment. And like I said living with your parents proberly puts a big dint in his pride.to be truthful I dnt think you need counciling between you. You both need to talk you both need your own thinking time. From a mans point of view. N ill be honest in on a gay relationship o have the thoughts of a man. Ir my Mrs asked me to go to counsiling is be sat thinking why the hell do I want sum one else sticking there noise in my relationship. You find living with parents ishsrd. You have not my space you too. Your restricted to whatyou can do were you can do things. All the exciting stuff and good stuff thst cum in a relationship. I start water fiights in my house for fun. I like to walk round naked lol. And I like to do the bedroom stuff everywere in my house. All this sort of stuff is limited for use. You will find yourself miles happier wen you have your own place 🙂 thst I would promise xxx
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