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engaged but really becoming unsure….
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How People Change = Insight Effort AND Will.
I have this on so many things I can look at daily, and sometimes I forget.
It is hard to live with emotions sometimes and it’s harder to live productively with chemical imbalances that allow the shift of emotions take over inappropriately. If you can remember what it means to be a person who can feel wonderful, safe, loved, feels certain. You feel-think-be-positive easier; and its easier to recover when a situation can make you feel just the opposite.
I feel unsafe when life challenges me to reevaluate who I am and where I’m ‘going’. I feel threaten and become (politely) unfair person to those around/care for me.
This could be it.
This would be a good exercise for you, your partner, your relationship: take some time to write out a list of questions and answer them yourselves separately, then exchange the unanswered list & answer the others’ list, then meet together and discuss. With these questions ask and answer life, relationship, ‘just because’ items you want and need to know. For example: Do you know a plan (financially, emotionally,etc) if you or your partner lost their job? How would you want your partners plan to be ideally?
When stressed out- do you have the awareness that its an external influence? Does your partner pick up on that- would you want the relationship to be that intimate?
What is savings? When is it okay to use and not?
Ask any question. This would be good knowing your plan, boundaries, and what you would be willing to accept. Don’t forget it ask and answer “why” after the answer- quantify your reasonings!
This exercise is one exercise done in couples therapy. It is free now (as in no cost at all for a therapist). It shows to both of you that you are willing to take the time to do this. It can be in months and be done regularly if desired. My sister asked for me to compose a list of questions for her and her (first husband to be) he thought it was ridiculous and didn’t do it. After 3 years their marriage fell apart. The second husband to be did the exercise with her- and it was a GREAT exercise that enhanced their relationship they both recommend it to others prior to marriage.
The thing I would suggest is take about a month, be honest, make sure when discussing the list- make it a safe place to be in. Go over, financial, children, employment, health, moral, social, life, family, friends, fidelty, religious/spiritual topics. These topics are most root cause of reasons couples/ or partnered people go to therapy.
For me I like to know my partner puts the relationship first over me. I put the relationship over him/her first. That means we are willing to do what’s right, not always what feels good-lazy-in a slump.
Be you! -
I would have really opened my mouth had I not read Veena's post. She seems to know the situation.
How many men have I told to F**k off in my lifetime? : ) I remember throwing a gallon of milk at my 1st hubby's head. I was hot headed when I was younger.
Get out of your parent's house and get out on your own. That is the best way to get to really know one another. But I have to say do not waste time on someone you are not happy with. Do not get married unless you are sure. Give it time.
Good Luck.
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*hugs* counselling is an excellent idea! I think you should NOT go ahead with wedding plans until you sort everything out–get you grown up lives on track. When you’re living with parents, it’s easy to fall into child roles and behaviour. It might be a struggle out on your own, but it will be YOUR struggle and you will find out if your relationship can withstand the grown up life together. When I met Ken, I was raising three kids on government assistance and going to school full time. He worked part time so money was scarce, but we DID it! We delivered fliers together on weekends and cut corners, but it was great because we were a team and a soft place to fall for each other. It really solidified our marriage. Love you, girl! XO
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