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loved one with depression
Anyone had to deal with a close friend or family member who is depressed? I just don’t know what to do anymore. My husband is depressed and tends to take it out on me sometimes. Not physically, but he blames me for some or most of his problems (depending on the day) and while I love him and want to help him through this, I’m not willing to be his emotional punching bag nor am I willing to give up my entire life and happiness/hobbies. Of course this just makes him angry and means that I just don’t care about him and I’m being selfish. I truly believe that he is the only one who can help him, if he can’t be happy with himself than nothing I or anyone else can do or say will help, but when I tell him that he says it’s just a cop out, that I’m being lazy and/or selfish and just don’t want to have to deal with his problems/feelings.
I’m at the point where his unhappiness is affecting my life more and more and dragging me down into a depressed state as well. I just wish it was easier to know what the right thing to do is. When we got married I promised to stay with him through sickness and health but when that turns into emotional abuse what do you do?
I don’t really expect anyone to be able to answer that, there is so much more going on in our relationship than what I can easily explain in a post…*sigh*
Oh and he HATES counselors or psychs, there is NO WAY he will ever go talk to one. I have mentioned it during many desperate times. I can’t even get him to talk to his closest friend about his feelings/problems, apparently guys don’t do that (even though his closest friend has said to me that he would, if my husband opens up first and asks). But if hubby knew I had talked to his friend it would be a whole new can of worms. -
12 Replies
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While i cant help you on your situation i just wanted to let you know i read your post and can empathise with you. Sometimes we need to be heard and im hearing you.. I think counseling would be your only option for now… I know you said he hates it but maybe if you can at least get him to go once to see what its like..
i really hope you guys can get through this together. Xoxo
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I actually have had depression before, for a very long time. I know how you feel- I've seen many of my loved ones go through what you did, even as I did it to them. It feels horrible on both ends.
The very basic thing I can say is this: You're right, you cannot help him. He must help himself.
The bad news about this is that he has to find his "rock bottom" in order to feel that he needs to do this. Most people have different versions of "rock bottom," up to and including attempting suicide. This really is the deepest, darkest hole that one can ever encounter, and I've seen it time and again- everyone I've ever spoken to or heard of who had depression said that they had to reach that point (however they define it) in order to "bounce back again."
The good news is this: Your support and love can help him back. Having a life around him, and having friends, allows him to see that there is more there to live for, once he does reach that bottom.
The thing about counseling, or talking to other people in any way, is that it only helps if the depressed person wants it to help. If they feel that it is their outside environment that must be "fixed," or they simply do not acknowledge that they have an issue, then there is nothing to "talk about," in their mind.
Unfortunately there are a lot of misconceptions about counselors, and a lot of them revolve around the process- rumored to be something like scrambling one's head, doing hypnotism, or other very much less useful "tactics." The best way I can explain counseling to someone would be… being forced to ask those questions that you never wanted to ask, the terrifying questions. And, having someone there to suggest things you never thought of, probably think will cause the world (either inside your head or not) to explode, and… they would actually work if you think about them.
I'm currently going through this process with a counselor, dealing with my anxiety.
I would like to say that depression is complicated, it can come from a huge variety of places, and it can come out in some very destructive, hurtful, and cruel ways. It sounds like your husband is also stuck in what I tend to call the "victim mindset," and that is a very, very difficult thing to even admit, even notice, let alone to get out of.
I also want to say that nothing about this is your fault, nor your responsibility. You deserve to be entirely happy, having your hobbies and enjoying yourself. You love him, and the best you can do for him right now, despite any protests, is show him that a happy life can exist. That being happy in life is possible.
Don't put up with the bullshit- I know you know that already, but it's not yours and it's not yours to deal with.
Tell him you love him, but don't take that crap.
And remember that you're awesome. No matter what happens.
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Oh, and also- if you ever need someone to talk to about this, or need some support, you can inbox me and I'll get it within 12 hours. 🙂
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Thank you so much for your responses. It does make me feel a little better to know that other people get how I feel about this, even if it doesn’t change anything about the situation. You guys are fantastic!
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Hey gal i believe she is right…. honestly I have suffered from depression badly too…. but now I can find ways to deal and spend majority of my time happy.. but I am also being treated for it and have a great support system… but she is right he wont do something until he hits rock bottom … and until he wants to get help for himself… theres nothing shameful about getting help.. ex. if i had a broken leg I would get it fixed right? well same thing for depression… " his brain doesnt work properly, so he should be treated and get help so he can help himself anyways I wish u the best of luck!! xoxo
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I too have dealt with something like this – from both sides. I'm severely bipolar and so is my best friend (who used to be my husband). So it's not just depression – but it certainly includes it. Runemist is exactly right. He has to hit his "bottom" (whatever that is) and decide that he needs to get better on his own.
I can understand his aversion to counselors and psychs. I, and my friend, both went through a lot of doctors and medication attempting to deal with the problems. Neither of them helped. Both of us (independently at the time) came to the conclusion that the way to fix the problems wasn't to let someone else deal with them. Now both of us are dealing with the disease without doctors or medication and are happier and healthier than we've ever been. So there are ways for him to get better without doctors. It just involves a heck of a lot of work on his part.
I would also second the "don't put up with his bullshit". Someone has to point out to him that the world doesn't actually work the way he sees it in his head. And you need to keep doing the things that make you happy!!
Feel free to inbox me as well! I'll give you any thoughts, information, ideas that I can.
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Thank you all so much. I’m probably just being overly emotional but I literally have tears running down my face from the support that the members of this community have for one another.
I will try to be strong and stick this out until the end, one day at a time, while at the same time trying to keep up with my own needs. On those days that are worse than others I will definitely take you folks up on the offers to inbox you to chat more in depth.
Thanks again *hugs* -
I was in a similar situation. I started seeing a therapist for myself to help myself through it. That actually triggered him to see a counselor. Honestly, the most effective thing for him though was to detox through video games and other things he enjoyed. You might have him get his Vitamin D levels checked. When I started getting depressed myself, my Vitamin D levels were LOW, which can trigger depression.
You CAN get through this. Just keep telling yourself that he's ill and he CAN get better. He just needs to take the time to do it. It will not happen instantly, and unfortunately, men are stubborn. We had so many stupid fights. My therapist told me to just go with it. If he starts griping, just acknowledge his issues. If he starts attacking you, don't attack back. Ask him why he says something.
Good luck hun. You can get through this!
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I will mention the vitamin d thing to him. Something like that is easy enough to have checked and fixed too. 🙂
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Saphyre mentioned to me about a neurotransmitter test that can see if you are low, high, imbalanced in your neurotransmitters. Might be worth looking into. btw, prozac helped me with my depression bouts.
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And just because HE won’t go to counseling doesn’t mean TOU can’t go. Please take care if your own mental health. If you are not able to take care if yourself it’s almost impossible to care and support anyone else. Remember, we are your pole family and we are here to listen and support you, too.
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You do not deserve to be his emotional punching bag. You, and other commenters, are right that he needs to help himself. The problem with being depressed is you don't think anything's wrong/worth fixing. Some days it's hard to even find the motivation to even get out of bed so even if he recognizes that he feels down some times, he probably doesn't have the motivation to do anything about it. Afterall, if it's not broke, why fix it?
My experience with depression (moderate/severe depression with severe anxiety) is different than other commenters in this thread though. I didn't hit a "rock bottom" before I realized I needed help. It was just seeing my life falling apart that gave me the kick in the ass I needed. Seeing the affects that depression had on my emotional punching bag of a significant other also helped motivate me enough to seek help — I felt like I was losing him to my anger/depression and I didn't want that to happen.
Encourage him to a healthier lifestyle. It will not fix his depression but it could improve his mood. At least 30 minutes of exercise a day, even a walk around the neighborhood counts, could give him an extra boost of motivation for day to day tasks. Eating better also helps. Sugar, caffeine, alcohol, and red meats can all impact mood in a negative way. You cannot control what he eats but you can make better choices when you're cooking for each other. And if you could get him into it, deep breathing helps with anxiety and can also reduce anger.
Again, these activities will not fix the depression but it could help him.
As for yourself, don't let his depression bring you down with him. Misery loves company but you should not suffer because of him. If you're see that you're starting to get depressed, find someone to talk to. Having a strong support network is important.
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