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my baby brother is on drugs what do we do.
I never thought in a million years my sweet 15 year old brother would be doing Drugs. yeah its just weed but thats how it starts something not so strong than he wants to experiment with other stronger drugs. But his dad is a drug addict in and out of jail all his life,so maybe my bro got that gene passed on.Weed is legalized in the state of wa but the rules dont apply to scholars my bro got a scholarship to a private high school that he hates and now he act like he dont care about life.his grades are bad he is no longer driven or motivated to do anything and on top of that he shut us all out. Advice fom parents with teens o. People who ha e experience using drugs or having addictions.
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14 Replies
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The gateway theory of drug use has been discredited. While there is some evidence for some biological priming in rodents, those effects also exist for alcohol and nicotine. Probably more to the point, the vast majority of people who try marijuana, even at a young age, do not go on to use harder drugs or experience other major life problems. (For example, see http://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/marijuana/marijuana-gateway-drug . Also note that NIDA is a lot more supportive of the gateway theory than many scientists working in this area.) I’m not saying it’s something you want him doing, but it’s not the beginning-of-the-end some people would have you believe.
It sounds like in your brother’s case smoking pot is only part of a broader change in patterns of behavior. Those changes might be due to something other than pot, for example, you mention not liking his current school environment. If you haven’t already you or your parents may want to try talking to him about what is going on and about his options for next school year. You or your parents may also want to consider finding another trusted adult that he can talk to, a professional counselor might be a good choice, but a doctor, clergy member, or even a trusted family friend that your brother likes may be good options. Try to get him to open up about what is going on with him, and to talk about what he wants (even if he ultimately doesn’t get what he wants), rather than having people talk to him about “his problems.”
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Thank you catmoves
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I agree with catmoves2718. What stands out to me from what you wrote, quancutie23, is not so much that he is trying weed, but that he acts like he doesn’t care about life. I know plenty of people who use weed regularly, but who have never gone on to try anything stronger. However, I would be more concerned about his change in behavior, and what seems like depression. I feel like depression may be the driving force behind his current use of marijuana, and might be the catalyst for potentially trying harder drugs in the future, not necessarily the weed itself. Does that make sense?
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I completely agree with Catmoves, and I appreciate that there’s a lot of research and study shown, as well! Don’t get that too often 😉
I would also point out, other than the option of possible depression, that he IS 15, and this is a very difficult, and very pivotal part of human life. He’s changing, coming into maturity, and though I’m sure it’s easier to look at him as your “baby brother,” he isn’t a baby anymore. His attempt at a very low-grade drug (which is, in fact, safer than alcohol according to a LOT of statistics) may simply be an attempt at trying something new, something that’s available, perhaps that his friends are trying, and something that is seen as “counter-culture,” as it is currently illegal. This happens with many adolescents, though they may not try drugs, they may try other things that would be seen as “bad” or “wrong.” It’s part of development to push boundaries and try new things.
I also think that his unhappiness in his current environment sounds like the larger, and more pressing issue. Sure, he got a scholarship, and that’s wonderful, but if he isn’t happy there, then perhaps it’s not something that is correct for him! If he’s not feeling that it’s worth trying, putting in the effort, and if he’s really unhappy, perhaps some other options should be explored. Even if those other options turn out to be some other things he can focus on while he gets through school, such as getting into some different kinds of exercise, exploring different art, or even learning something new and radically different to what “seems useful,” he may find that this new focus is what he needs to feel better.
Does he have any friends in this new school? Has he made connections? Is he physically active? Are his classes things that he would normally be interested in? Are they difficult? All of these factors, and yet more, are things that could help or hinder him in feeling fulfilled.
I also have very many friends who smoke pot, and being that I live in one of the most pot-heavy places around, we get to see a pretty large variety of use. From your full-on wake-and-bake-and-bake-and-bake stoners, to your occasional “use for when you’re in crazy pain or stress” users, I see, and have seen, it all. Very few people around here use other kinds of drugs, and very few of them use them the same as they would use pot.
And, frankly, I’d rather see my future children getting curious about pot than alcohol… but, I suppose that’s just me. -
I can’t offer you a parents pov however I can offer you the pov of someone who was unhappy in her school environment and who has had friends who drank and/or smoked weed.
All the people I know who have smoked weed, which has been a lot, never touched hard drugs, even when they smoked large quantities of it. For many it was just a pleasure thing, for others it was a coping mechanism, for some it was for a new experience and to test the boundaries. Because of these things your brother’s use of weed isn’t that alarming to me. I’ve seen more of my friends hurt, long term and short term, by alcohol than weed.
I would personally be more concerned about the fact that weed is the symptom of what seems his general unhappiness or depression. This is what needs attention. It’s rough being a teen never mind when you are unhappy in your school environment. I’ve been in that situation. It’s horrendous. Right now he needs support and ways to help him cope. Look into seeing if something can be changed or added to his life to help him cope. Find out what he hates about the school. Is it the teachers, the other teens? Is he feeling under too much pressure from the school/friends/family? Is he being bullied? He has even made good friendships at his school? Perhaps it’s other factors too besides just school such as sexuality, worries about the future, the family, loneliness. He needs to talk to someone who will take him seriously, be non judgmental, truly listen to him and give him constructive ways to manage the situation. It needs to be someone who can remain emotionally detached and calm and compassionate. It’s important also that they look at things from all angles rather trying to press one persons view. It would be beneficial if he could choose who he talks to. Your family may think the priest would be a good idea, or the doctor, but your brother may feel no connection to that person which will not encourage him to open up. Don’t argue with him, just give him facts and ultimately, the decision is down to him.
And please, please treat him like an adult who knows his own mind. This doesn’t always mean giving him everything he wants but he must feel like his opinions and feelings truly matter. This was a problem I had when I was unhappy and no one took me seriously because I was “just a clueless teen” and it made things so much worse. It made me feel unimportant and that my life wasn’t my own. Especially because I was very self aware and mature for my age. There is nothing worse than being unhappy and people who are supposedly trying to help adding to the pain because they think you’re too inexperienced/young to know your own mind and own your opinions. Ditto to just being told to deal with it, suck it up or being too sensitive and that it doesn’t matter in comparison to the problems of other people.
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I think he is depress to, he doesnt have a lot of friends at his new school.he plas basketball and football at his school but had to quit to get a second knee surgery. He is mad with the world becuase his school is hard and he actually has to try and work hard, due to this my mom called him weak and said she anit doing sht for him.also this his third school changing. He wants to go to back to his first high school were he grew up with all the kids and where he was popular and everything was easy. Im not too concern about the pot as long that is all he is doing. Futhermore after freshman year i hated high school and everyone in it. I barely went but i still gaduated, but after college i still wasnt sucessful in life, so o suffer from that. I my mom amd. Want my brother to be successful and happy, we do believe in therapy but not anti depression medications. Thanks everyone for all the advice i feel a lil bit better
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Teenagers often experiment with drugs, especially if they have a relative or friend that does it too. It’s not usually just a matter of peer pressure and I really don’t believe in the whole “genetic predisposition” excuse people give. I have lost a number of loved ones to addiction and overdose (some to legal substances, such as ALCOHOL and PRESCRIPTION MEDS), and it seems that it always was used as a band-aid over some wound in their own heart. A way to make an emotional problem or a condition of life more physical so that it could be explained, excused, and treated.
Some just want to do it to see what the big deal is. They usually know somebody they greatly respect or admire that does it and think “Hey…they’re not a junkie or a loser. Wtf? I thought all people who did drugs are unsuccessful and living on the streets. This guy is the smartest dude I know, has a car, a house, a family, a career, a PHD, etc.”. This unfortunate “bum-druggie” stereotype has a huge impact on anybody who finds out otherwise, and they usually do because most addicts are not the throw-aways of the world but somebody greatly cared for by others. The only difference between a “bum-druggie” and a covert addict is their support system. A bum is thrown out or just plain alone in the world, an addict who is loved is likely to continue to succeed in life despite their addiction as long they can finance it.
Also, I do not know many potheads that become addicts. People who like the high they get off of pot tend to prefer it to harsher drugs because they want something that relaxes them and makes them feel good. Other drugs (including alcohol) do not have this effect and include physical illness as a side effect once you come down off of them.
All the people I’ve known who have become addicts of dangerous substances or have died of overdose were either extremely high strung Type A personalities who were experiencing an existential crisis prior to ever using drugs or devoid of their own personality unless validated by a group. It’s a difficult thing to name, but you know it when you see it and unfortunately it’s never something you can control. It’s up to the individual. You can offer support, but you have to immediately set boundaries and stick to them.
Your brother is very young. He is at the age where people start trying these things out of curiosity, frustration, general defiance, or just because…well…they’re bored. My advice would be to not make a big deal out of it, just talk to him. Hang out with him. Keep him busy and don’t give any hint of judgment because it will only alienate him further. Attempt to grow closer with him if you want to understand what it’s really about because I guarantee he’s not an addict at this stage. Be the positive change in his life if he needs one. Sometimes all it takes is one person’s presence in another’s life to completely change their path. Sometimes it takes a lot more. And, sometimes, you just gotta let them be and hope they will figure it out for themselves.
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I guarantee your mother calling him “weak” will stick in his mind like a damn sword through the heart. He hates his school? Let him go somewhere else because he’s not going to progress if you force him to stay. He will get worse and it will hurt him.
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I would strongly recommend you and your mother both read this article. I applaud all the responses above. What a great community we have on SV…
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/johann-hari/the-real-cause-of-addicti_b_6506936.html
(I guess you will have to cut and paste the link?)I am the mother of a 17 year old who has smoked marijuana much more than I would like, and also, it has recently come to my attention that my 13 year old has tried it multiple times as well. We are in Colorado, where it is legal and easier to get than a Slurpee, and though I support the legalization, I am struggling with it as well with my children, as are many parents here. The most effective course I have found is conversation, time, acceptance (of THEM not of their using a substance which is still illegal for THEM) and accountability. I would say conversation, above all, and working to maintain (or re-build) a connection with them in which they feel safe, supported, and encouraged to connect with a goal or something that inspires and empowers THEM for THEIR life, not MY life, or TO meet MY expectations.
There isn’t an answer to your question, my dear. I am sorry to say that. No one can make your brother stop experimenting- most of us have experimented in our history, safely, and have not had disastrous consequences. Much of this is exactly experimental, and even can be positive as we work to figure out who we are and our place in the world. But what you can do is to love him, and to encourage him to explore connection, with people and with his own self and dreams, as opposed to disconnection and numbing out, which is what happens when we turn to substances regularly.
As in the quote below, make sure you and your family look for the message, and don’t get stuck in labeling him and analyzing the behavior.
My best to you, your brother and your family.
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That was an awesome article, Marie! Thanks for sharing.
I will say that it makes sense how addiction is driven by environment, stress, and isolation more so than any physical dependency. I have smoked cigarettes for over half my lifetime and still struggle to put them away for good to this day. It is NOT the physical addiction at all, the effects of that go away in a matter of weeks. I once quit for over two years, but then my life changed for the worse and I also ended up sharing an apartment with a bunch of smokers. So, I of course started again. Not just because I couldn’t stand being clouded with cigarette smoke everyday (you’re immune to that smell when you are a smoker), but because my life sucked and there were very long stressful hours that I could do absolutely nothing but be alone with my thoughts. Having a cigarette was a five minute vacation from my thoughts. Not literally, but it took me back to a simpler time where I would sneak smokes at the bus-stop and hang out with my friends…not a care in the world. I still get that nostalgia at stressful times in my life or when the air outside is just a little too fresh at night and it reminds me of better times.
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It sounds like your brother has expressed why he is unhappy. And from what you’ve said, I think a little compassion might be in order–he’s going through some difficult stuff. Changing schools at that age is difficult. If sports were important to him, and he can’t do them right now, he is understandably frustrated. If you suddenly had to have surgery and couldn’t do pole, how would you feel? (I’m facing this prospect right now, and personally, I found it really frustrating, discouraging, and even a little scary.) Additionally, if he prided himself on achievement, and thought of himself as smart, then being in an environment that is really challenging for the first time is going difficult for him work-wise, but could also be hard on his self-image. This is actually a not uncommon phenomenon among bright young people, it often happens when they hit college. Going through all of this at the same time is a lot for anyone to deal with, especially a 15 year old.
I’m not recommending that you feel sorry for him, but it might not hurt to acknowledge that he is dealing with some difficult situations. This does not make him weak, it makes him a human being under stress. There isn’t much that can be done to change the surgery and the break from sports, but you may be able to help him look into the future when he will be able to play again, and plan for that. If there are things he can do to help himself heal faster, then finding out about those, and helping him do them if you can may make him feel better.
With regard to school, he may be having to learn to really apply himself and study for the first time. I don’t think there is anything wrong with acknowledging that this is a challenge, and that he is going to have to learn new skills. Encourage him to rise to the challenge, let him know that you think he can do it. If there are opportunities for him to learn new study skills, or catch up on material he didn’t learn at his old school, then encourage him to take them. Maybe even help him seek out those opportunities.
It might not be anyone’s first choice, but if it comes down to it, going back to his old school might not be the worst thing that could happen. He may learn more in an “easy” school if he is engaged, than in a more rigorous school where he is not engaged. But before he does that, it is probably worth him trying to rise to the challenge.
Anecdotally, some friends of mine went through something similar when they were able to move their daughter from her public HS to a private school. She struggled to adjust on a lot of levels, especially academically. She was behind a lot of her peers who had been in private schools longer, often from kindergarten, and it was difficult for her to fill in all the gaps. They really tried to help and encourage her, but she continued to have a hard time keeping up which made her feel bad about herself and made her really dislike school. Ultimately, she went back to her public HS where she was happier. They don’t look at this as her having failed at the more challenging school, but as having learned something about herself. She was happy back at her old HS, and happily went on to a state college a few years later.
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Wow. So many great responses here!! It’s been said above, but I’ll say it again: our community rocks!!
I don’t think there’s much else I can say that hasn’t already been said, so I’ll just make a couple of extra comments.
– There isn’t a “gene” identified for substance abuse and addiction. There are theories of genetic predispositions, as alluded to above. But no gene.
– If it helps to relieve any fears about his physical health/safety, marijuana doesn’t lead to physical addiction, although a person can have a psychological addiction to it, as with anything (even behaviours or food, doesn’t need to be a drug). What I mean by this, is that there isn’t any sort of medically dangerous withdrawal symptoms from stopping use. Also, it’s a relatively safe drug compared to many other things. People don’t “overdose” on marijuana, like they can with other substances (alcohol, prescription drugs, other illegal drugs).
– Keep on loving and supporting your brother, like you clearly do! There are loads of resources out there if he (or you or any of your family members) need support regarding substance use or mental health issues, like depression. Stay compassionate. Remember how tough it is to be a teenager, and accept it if he doesn’t want to open up… just be there for him whenever he is ready. As a few people have noted above, comments from family members calling him weak or threatening him (I’d say telling a teenage boy that you aren’t “doing shit for him” counts as a threat…) serve no purpose and are completely and utterly counterproductive. Sounds like he has many reasons to be very stressed.The Veena community is always here to support you! Best wishes to you, your brother and your family!
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Thank you everyone for your professional advice, you guys have all showed grace,love and compassion i couldn’t ask for better group to voice my opinion with.im just gonna pray that my brother can talk to me and that i can get all this knowledge through my moms head. She is a stubborn woman. My mom loves my bro like crazy and hurts when he shuts down
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As a person who has been around lifelong pot smokers I can offer these little tidbits.
Some use it to cope with anxiety instead of taking prescription drugs. Some use it to cope with super active minds that just don’t shut off. Some use it to relax. Some use it to focus. And yes, some use it to escape. I personally would rather be around a person who smokes pot than someone who drinks.
There are people in my life that have smoked pot daily for 30-40 years who are great fathers, business people, CEO’s of companies, own their own companies, lawyers, PhDs….you name it. The founder of Progressive Insurance is an avid pot smoker. There are probably a lot of people that you know who also smoke but you just do not know it. I have worked with people who smoked every day before coming to work.
The effects of marijuana use are minimally destructive to our bodies and in some cases actually beneficial. Tobacco and alcohol are more worrisome. Also, there has not been a single OD case or death attributed to marijuana.
I will lastly add that there have been many times I wished my body processed it in a better way than it does as I know it would have helped me when I was dealing with some depressions and anxieties.
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