Runemist34
Forum Replies Created
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Oh, and I do agree with Strawberry- you don’t need to stick around when those people reveal themselves as bullies. You can make the choice. I suppose I was just thinking about those people you “don’t know about,” if you’ve invested already in the friendship, it can be hard to leave when you realize they’re like that!
But, you’re totally justified in cutting ties. -
From what I understand, the people you’re annoyed and confused by are the ones who act like friends, but love to see you fail at something- they seem to get a laugh or some sort of ego-boost from it, as if to say “Look at that! You’re so perfect, and YOU fell!”
In gradeschool, these people are a lot easier to spot, and they’re actually given a name: Bullies. They’re easier to spot because children aren’t quite as subtle as adults. They try to MAKE happen what they want, which often means trying to force another child into feeling like they fell, or manipulating them into doing so.
As adults, however, those people have learned and grown; it’s not socially acceptable to cause someone else to hurt anymore, and it’s also much less satisfying to cause someone else to fall, when they’ll just do it themselves, eventually! So, they sit and bide their time, they’ll make nice and do pretend, and now that they’re adults, they’ve had a lot of practice at “making nice.” By the time they’re adults, too, they may have found other bullies to be “friends” with, who all do these things to each other, under the guise of “That’s what women do.”
The idea of “That’s what women do” comes in part from our media (showing women being catty or competitive with each other over things, such as grace, the affection of a man, or beauty), and in part from our social upbringing. Many women learn these behaviours from their Moms, who learned it from their own Moms. They don’t have only one role model, they have many, as their Mom would have surrounded herself by others that are like her. We like friends that validate who we are, who we believe we should be, and these people are no different. So, the catty, competitive, but outwardly sweet and friendly behaviour continues.
From my understanding and personal experience, it’s about Ego. It’s that part of all of us that says “You’re not good enough,” and it’s something that tortures everyone. It’s something that drives us all, either to distraction, or to perfectionism, or to whatever else. It’s hard to ignore, that fear.
While many people learn to deal with it from a “Go away” perspective, teaching ourselves that we are good enough, or simply moving forward from that voice, regardless as to it’s presence, and get our things done… They have learned a different skill. As skill borne of comparison, and one that makes that fear and that frightened Ego feel better- but only for a short period of time. In essence, they’re stealing your power from you, stealing good feelings about yourself, and by making you appear “smaller,” they make themselves appear “larger,” even if they’re not all standing around you in the cliche circle, laughing and taunting.
Without comparison between themselves and other people, this behaviour wouldn’t be able to exist, though, and that’s where I think the greatest defense, and greatest challenge comes from.
Something I’ve noticed here on SV is that comparison is frowned upon. It’s actually taught me a lot! I used to compare myself to everyone else… but, I always used to do it and “come up short,” tell myself how horrible and useless and stupid I am, especially in comparison to all the beautiful, smart, strong, and graceful women around me. It made me feel awful, and when I realized this was a place where it was discouraged… I began to look at it.
I no longer compare myself to anyone, as best as I can. It’s something so ingrained in our world that it’s hard to permanently break the habit, but it’s possible to work on it, and possible to not be in thrall to it anymore.
You don’t need to compare yourself to those women, and if they compare themselves to you, then that is none of your business! You can discourage it, and by doing so, you may find that they push back, they fight you… but ultimately, you’re trying to help them! And, you may succeed with one or two. However, by discouraging comparison, you’ll find out who those bullies are, really fast! Their behaviours rely on comparison, so when you start to break it down, you’ll find out how they hold the behaviour by how they react to you. Some might dismiss, some might fight, some might totally ignore you from then on. And, some might actually appreciate your effort, they might actually begin to change and see that there’s a better way to soothe their hurting selves.
Best ways to get rid of comparison, though? Complements. Things like, when they say “Oh you’re so much better at that than I am!” You can turn around and say “I think you’re really awesome at this other thing!” No need to compare (no “You’re better at this than I am,”) just stating that they are great at something, end of story. You can tell them it’s not a contest, there’s no need to compare. That everyone has their own journies, their own skills, their up’s and down’s. It’s what makes us all beautiful, and amazing, and perfect. It’s what makes US!Anyways this is getting long… sorry 😉
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I TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOU.
My goodness, the articles I have read that made me rage all over my house! Who cares about our shoes? They’re fun and they’re sexy sometimes, and we can wear them in HOMAGE to the North American strip clubs from whence a lot of our techniques came from!
And clothes? Don’t get me started! Have you seen women’s physique/bodybuilding competitions? They’re gorgeous, greased up (I assume), and wearing the littlest bikini’s I’ve ever seen! And yet, that is okay, and Pole is not?
One of the most infuriating responses I’ve seen is “Because pole dancing is inherently sexual.” OH, I’m sorry! It’s inherently sexual liike… a woman’s body? Or maybe her hair? Perhaps a very tall, straight building that looks somewhat phallic? Or lipstick? Or a man’s feet?
Sorry, I have some philosophical debate with people on that one that I haven’t been able to actually get out of me. Seriously, though, it’s just seen as “inherently sexual” because it is seen in strip clubs (situational sexuality), because the majority of people who do it are women, and because we’re moving around, and obviously women don’t do those things unless it’s for men! Right? Right??People need to get their heads out of their rears and actually start looking around and thinking. Women are people. Men are people. What we do is not necessarily sexual or not, it depends on our context, our intentions, and who we are doing those things with (or not doing those things with).
*Huff* -
I completely agree with litlbit- there is a time and a place to voice these concerns, and there are ways of doing it without stepping on anyone’s toes.
While, yes, it can be really unfortunate and uncomfortable to watch someone go through these things when you believe you know a better, and safer, way of doing it… it’s not your place to be taking over anyone’s class, and it’s not your place to even be “helping out” in a class. Should you do something wrong, and someone get hurt, very many bad things (including bad legal things) can happen.
The best way to do it would be to file a formal complaint, go to the owner of the place, talk to the instructors and politely inquire to them about how they feel about safety, what they know about the human body and it’s muscles and joints, what kinds of do’s and don’t’s should be done on the pole in their opinion.
Let it be an open discussion, rather than a judgement you place on someone.
That way, if you feel you’re in a place that is unsafe, you can move on and allow the knowledge you expressed to them stew in their heads. What you do is your own business- find another studio, or just do your own thing at home. What they do is their business, and if it is to create a safer practice and be more informed, then that’s great, but if not… none of your concern! They’ll learn, or they won’t. Maybe they have other training methods that you aren’t aware of. -
Anything listed under “Lessons” on the website is included. That is Pole move lessons, Strength training, Flexibility lessons, the 30 day takeoff for pole, the 30 day Flexibility lessons (which have been recently coming out as Veena puts them up), the Flowmotion lessons, some Hooping and Lapdancing lessons, her Quick lessons for when you’re a bit more advanced (most of the time, sometimes there are less-advanced ones)…
I’m not sure if I’m forgetting anything…
Anyways, there’s lots included! -
I just have to say, I really love the way you explained carrying it “in spare tire form.” 😉
As for workout and diet tips… well, the trick is that science supports neither “cutting/reducing carbs” nor extra sweat in a certain area for fat reduction. Sorry Juicy, but there has been no scientific evidence, and a lot of evidence to the contrary.
It sounds like, since you have recently put the pole back up, you’ll be moving around a lot more, which is great! Moving around more, and especially for long periods of time (more than 20 minutes) will encourage your body to burn the fat. Though we do not get to choose where our body burns the fat from, it will get there (where you are hoping) eventually. Fat is burned in the presence of oxygen and heat in the body- specifically, we must ask our cardiovascular system to work harder (which means some huffing and puffing, especially at the beginning) and bring our heart rates up. When we do this, often what happens is we heat up internally (as long as it’s not too cold outside!) and our bodies realize we need more energy to keep the amount of activity up.
So, burn fat! Fat is actually an extremely efficient store of energy, much greater than anything we might get from sugary foods, but we need the right chemical reactions in order to burn it.
I realize it can be difficult to get back into things when it’s been a while. I’ve done that enough times 😉 You could always try drills, like doing spins on both sides over and over, if you feel you’re strong enough for them! I also personally enjoy free-dancing, even if it’s fully grounded (which, at this point, it is), and that does encourage your body to need the fat as well.As for diet, well, I suppose I’m in a bit of a minority as my problems with food are that I do not eat enough of it. I actually have a fitness app that counts calories for me, and I check on it to make sure I’m getting enough! So, when I eat, I always try to tell myself that it’s a good thing.
I have found, however, that the more exercise I participate in, the more I want things that are good for me. No longer the chips and pop and candy, but I crave vegetables and fruits and meat (because I need protein!), and so that’s what I eat.
Just do your best to eat enough, eat “well,” by your own measure (what makes you feel physically good), and keep moving. The spare tire will drop off 🙂 -
I think what I noticed is a lack of research or depth- it seems to only scratch the surface. It’s dealing with issues that we had around about four years ago, maybe longer, but not with the issues going on now. The connection of stripper to pole dancer is lesser now than it has ever been, and doesn’t seem to often be an issue unless you’re talking with certain, very unfortunate, people and their opinions with objectifying women. Those people are often simply ignored.
I would have been happier to see some more research and a bit more depth in this survey, to see what the current challenges to most pole dancers are. -
Also (because I forgot to add this when I hit “save”) I think perhaps you might want to look at the reasons why you’re concerned about having bigger muscles. Are you afraid of looking “manly”? Are you worried that guys will be intimidated by you? Do you think that being physically strong is not “feminine”? Do you dislike the actual look of muscles, and would prefer not to have them, see them, on yourself or anyone else? Are you being judgemental about your body in general, no matter how it looks?
All of these things can be resolved.
For example, many women are afraid that muscles look more “manly” and mark them as “unfeminine,” and yet in a lot of media for things like advertisements for lifting weights, or the women at Girls Gone Strong, they look perfectly feminine and wonderfully womanly! They are also strong as all get out- so, you may want to take a look!
As for being intimidating toward guys, this is also a legitimate concern among some women. However, my own argument is this: Would you seriously want to date, or be friends with a guy that is honestly intimidated by the work you’ve done, the beauty and strength of your body? Do you want to be with someone who feels that women should be “weaker than he is” so that he can have an ego boost?
If you dislike the look of muscles at all, perhaps you can figure out why- perhaps you have a negative association with them, perhaps there are certain kinds of muscles you don’t like. These things can also be worked out, and even accepted.
Being overly judgemental about our bodies is common among women, and whether we’re squishy, muscular, thin, curvy, or anything else… we can find fault in our bodies. It’s not hard, because we are not like anyone else, and judgement often comes with comparison. Why compare yourself to anyone else, when you’re the only you that exists? You’re incomparable, perfect, and beautiful, just the way you are! How great is it that you are all you, and you have all of your traits, all your thoughts, and your body, to show everything you’ve accomplished, and contributed, and done well? Incomparable. -
Hey there!
I think that there’s a misnomer around building muscle that people got into a while back. When you build muscle, at a certain point, the muscles will get bigger. You are asking them to do more, and so when they “run out of strength” at a certain size, they just… add more size, in order to do what you’re asking.
Certain body types will not show this size quite as much, and certain ones will. Have you ever looked at Jamilla DeVille? Her arms are BUFF, but no one really notices it- she’s got big muscles, too!
Also, when we do exercise, at a certain point of work (when our cardiovascular system is working hard for about 20ish minutes), you begin to burn fat. This is often the time and point that people who are looking to burn fat are looking for. However, boobs are made of fat, and since we don’t get to choose where our bodies get the fat we burn, sometimes boobs are the ones to go.
Pectoral muscles will also lift boobs, and make them seem a different shape, so it’s possible this is also happening.Anyways, aside from the technicals… I don’t see any way of solving this “issue,” but personally I don’t see it as an issue at all. I look forward to having big muscles. They are a sign that I have worked hard, and gotten stronger, and I think they look great.
If you do not… well, I see no way of “preventing” or “fixing” it, other than discontinuing asking your body to do the work. -
Hey! It sounds like you’re taking good care of your end of things, and making sure that you’ve got yourself figured out.
What the company does with these people isn’t necessarily your fault or business- it’s up to THEM to initiate and follow through with discipline, and honestly, if someone groped me, I would want them ejected out so fast their head was spinning. It’s NOT okay to do that, and you shouldn’t be allowed to keep your job if you’re using said job as a place to sexually harass people.
Sorry, got a little ranty there!
Anyways, I think it’s awesome that you have lots of job interviews and that you’re doing a good job of keeping your end up! Keep going 🙂 -
I completely agree with Catmoves, and I appreciate that there’s a lot of research and study shown, as well! Don’t get that too often 😉
I would also point out, other than the option of possible depression, that he IS 15, and this is a very difficult, and very pivotal part of human life. He’s changing, coming into maturity, and though I’m sure it’s easier to look at him as your “baby brother,” he isn’t a baby anymore. His attempt at a very low-grade drug (which is, in fact, safer than alcohol according to a LOT of statistics) may simply be an attempt at trying something new, something that’s available, perhaps that his friends are trying, and something that is seen as “counter-culture,” as it is currently illegal. This happens with many adolescents, though they may not try drugs, they may try other things that would be seen as “bad” or “wrong.” It’s part of development to push boundaries and try new things.
I also think that his unhappiness in his current environment sounds like the larger, and more pressing issue. Sure, he got a scholarship, and that’s wonderful, but if he isn’t happy there, then perhaps it’s not something that is correct for him! If he’s not feeling that it’s worth trying, putting in the effort, and if he’s really unhappy, perhaps some other options should be explored. Even if those other options turn out to be some other things he can focus on while he gets through school, such as getting into some different kinds of exercise, exploring different art, or even learning something new and radically different to what “seems useful,” he may find that this new focus is what he needs to feel better.
Does he have any friends in this new school? Has he made connections? Is he physically active? Are his classes things that he would normally be interested in? Are they difficult? All of these factors, and yet more, are things that could help or hinder him in feeling fulfilled.
I also have very many friends who smoke pot, and being that I live in one of the most pot-heavy places around, we get to see a pretty large variety of use. From your full-on wake-and-bake-and-bake-and-bake stoners, to your occasional “use for when you’re in crazy pain or stress” users, I see, and have seen, it all. Very few people around here use other kinds of drugs, and very few of them use them the same as they would use pot.
And, frankly, I’d rather see my future children getting curious about pot than alcohol… but, I suppose that’s just me. -
Here is my day 1! I forgot to post it here last night 😉
https://instagram.com/p/089um7RGoM/?taken-by=runemist34
I’ll be getting day 2 done later today… I was working on it yesterday, and the underarm grip HURT SO MUCH!! I’m going to have to work on it.
Pole dancers must be masochists, eh? -
You can also look up good workouts online that only require things like dumbbells, or even no equipment at all. I use Fitnessblender all the time, it’s pretty good for mixing things up when you don’t want to do the same workout all the time.
Working on the pole can feel like there are some pretty big strength jumps, but it really just takes a little craftiness to figure a way to make what you CAN do into something that takes you up to what you can’t do!
Climbs, for example: I tend to use the strength of my legs way more than my arms, because I know my legs are strongest. However, I have been using this to my advantage to work my arms- I practice climbs, about 2 sets of 5 reps on each side right now, and have been focusing on pulling myself up with my arms, rather than just using the leg to step up onto. My leg helps, but it isn’t all of the power anymore. My climbs have gotten much smoother!
For me, spins are also super useful, but they can be really difficult (and sometimes actually dangerous to the shoulder!) if you aren’t quite there yet. Working on something like the fireman spin, for now, can actually help you increase strength in your arms, and help with creating momentum for spins as well.
There are lots and lots of other body weight exercises, both on the pole and off the pole, that you can do in order to help your arms catch up.
Also, Veena’s lessons are online, so I’m not sure why you wouldn’t be able to access them! Some of her workouts don’t require a pole, either, and if you mix them with all the other things available, I’m sure you’ll find a way that works for you!
And take care of your shoulder! -
Hey Shoog!
I can completely relate to this one! I’ve also been pretty bad about hearing physical problems- anything from hunger to pain. In many ways this is, I think, why I have so many tendinitis problems, and why I’m finding it so difficult to eat enough “good food” now. I know I need to, but getting myself there is not easy, especially so suddenly.
I’m glad to hear you’re taking the time and the steps to hear yourself from all aspects, and that you’re recognizing what you need! It’s a big step, and it’s one of the most important ones for my own journey as well. Without knowing that there’s a problem, you can’t move on to fix it!
I hope that once you regain a consistent yoga practice, you’ll be able to add pole as well 🙂 I’ve been trying to get into yoga, but… it’s difficult without classes! I’ve got them in mind, though.
Best of luck! -
Hey PoleNCountry!
All the lessons on the site come together, so $100 per year (unless there’s a sale, and then it’s less) is for a whole year, no matter when you sign up! So, if you go for it in April or June, the amount of time you buy (I said $100 per year, but you can totally sign up for less time) just starts then, and goes till you’re done! And, you’ll get all the lessons on the site, not just the 30 day Flexy course 🙂