[Runemist34]

Re: The pin for spin mode, mine is really, really stiff and doesn’t like to come back up without a LOT of cajoling. I once found a bit of metal (I think it was actually a non-powered screwdriver) and stuck it under the pin, and got it to go up that way. Often, it just takes a bit of wiggling and some pressure, but sometimes it’s just ornery.

[Runemist34]

“I also think it is very selfish of someone to let their mental illness ruin someone else’s good time and require others to walk on eggshells around them. You should not have to walk on eggshells around someone when you are being reasonable and not being abusive. It is also very manipulative to constantly demand reassurance from others. that person will get the
reassurance they want but it doesn’t last very long.”

I am no longer interested in this conversation, and possibly this entire community.
I do not feel right even reading this.

[Runemist34]

I agree with the application of lotion at night. I feel lotion all day long, and it affects my dancing till the next time I shower (often in the morning) so… that’s frustrating! Especially considering I have dry skin in the winter!

[Runemist34]

It wasn’t necessarily 😉 She DOES need to be desensitized, but it’s pretty much the same problem with all people- I haven’t met anyone who isn’t afraid of performing if they haven’t done a lot of it already.
For me, I can perform, and I’m getting a lot more comfortable with it- this is both due to practice, and due to my work on my anxiety in a more permanent manner.
But yeah- if performance is triggering her really badly and she’s suffering, she needs to find coping mechanisms and ways around it if she truly loves to perform. If not, she can drop it and re-evaluate later.
I suppose I’m looking at it more from the perspective of where I was back in December: The idea of being awake was triggering enough. I was in a bad place with my anxiety and I just couldn’t handle anything without having issues… but I couldn’t just give up, because I would have destroyed myself, gone into a horrible spiral and taken far longer to get out than I have.
But, I suppose I agree, tentatively, with the idea of putting your mental health first… but I don’t agree that we should just not do things that scare us.

[Runemist34]

And as for this idea of “desensitizing” by performing a lot more… I don’t necessarily agree. This is what we do for phobias, and the person who has the phobia must have absolute control to be able to say “stop, no further” or even “stop, until I say go again.” Performance is not something you can back out of after a certain time and still feel good. Performance is not something you can say “No, I’m not okay” once they announce you to come on stage.
For SOME people, continuing to perform and face that fear is helpful, but this doesn’t sound like a case of simple “stage fright.” Her reactions toward any kind of failure, as well as a few other things, lead me to think that this is a much larger issue… one that will only become worse with consistent exposure to performance.

[Runemist34]

Meg, while I appreciate your sentiment, it’s like saying “Well, I’ve had my leg blown off in a horrible accident… I guess I’ll forget skiing then!”
I live with an anxiety disorder, day in, and day out. It is with me constantly. It is with me when I go to sleep and when I wake up. There is no respite, no running away, and nothing anyone or anything can do to help me appropriately- it lives inside me, and they do not.
Pole dancing is something that brings me a lot of joy, and yet it sometimes takes me ages to get on the pole. I just went through a four-month stint of no pole. Not really of my own choice… it was because of my anxiety. It found a way to take the thing I love away from me, and I had to wrestle with it.
To say “I would never do anything that would bring me into a cold sweat” would be to say I will never do anything. Ever.
This is definitely not a way to live, and it would do nothing but encourage my anxiety. It would destroy me from the inside out. Some days, yeah, I can’t fathom doing anything but getting clothes on so my roommate doesn’t see me naked, and just… sit. On the couch. I don’t do anything for hours sometimes. But… I don’t just decide that such an existence is “better” because I’m not technically afraid of anything!
I specifically chose the skiing example because I knew a girl who did ski with one leg. It’s not her fault she had one leg, and sure, she had difficulties with some things. But, she loved to ski, and so she found a way to do it. With ONE leg. Her prosthetic would have gotten in her way.
I see anxiety as a temporary loss of something less-tangible but equally as “debilitating.” I have the option of healing, but only after I can become strong enough- by learning to deal with it, by building the confidence OUTSIDE of it, and putting myself slowly back together. If I just gave in, I wouldn’t be here. I would be hiding in the dark, on my bed, in my mum’s house, alone. I would never have moved out, never have talked to people, and never have done anything I loved to do.
“Having a think” is not going to solve anxiety.

[Runemist34]

Yeah, mine is originally because of PTSD, but it’s been so long (I was six) since then that it’s turned into something fundamentally different. So… I sort of have both sides of the issue Oo;
I really can understand your frustration though. I do my very best to put the most positive spin on things like this, but I do acknowledge that sometimes things NEED to be addressed! It’s a very difficult situation to be in, and… honestly, I think it sounds like you’re doing well on those instances.
As for her criticizing you… there are a couple of reasons you could look at. The first, is that she may be a bit of a perfectionist; some expect as much perfection from other people as they expect from themselves (even though they continue to fall short of their own expectations). It could also be (unfortunately) a “bully” tactic. If she’s really low on self-esteem and has had bullying in the past, that may be the only way she knows how to express criticism. It’s a tricky thing, because a lot of people don’t encounter criticism unless it’s VERY BAD.

Texts saying “I’m nervous”? I’d say something like… eh, distract and redirect. If there are other people in the show that you think she’s interested in seeing, mention it “Are you excited to see so-and-so?” Or talk about some kind of fun thing happening around, or especially after the show! She can focus on that, and the anxiety may go down a bit.

This close to the show, it’s unfortunate… I’ve done shows where I wanted to just freak out (mostly burlesque, but I’ve also done presentations and things with the same response), run away. I shake, I can’t keep my thoughts straight… it sucks. I’ve been really deeply mired in my anxiety for the past four or five months, in order to deal with and effectively combat it. I have a presentation tomorrow that I am much, much less nervous about than I have been in the past. But… sometimes I have bad days, too 😉 I’m learning, and I hope she does, too.

[Runemist34]

I will also point out that there is likely a reason for her to have an anxiety disorder- her “shell” is created for a reason, and there is nothing wrong with it. The only thing wrong is that it hinders HER, as well as blocks what she really doesn’t want to let in.
And, that she clearly WANTS to dance with you. She struggles, she fights with it, and she still wants to do it. You can acknowledge that, too. Pointing out that we WANT to do something is also really difficult for some people. I always tell myself that I “have” to dance, I “have” to run, and it feels like a chore, it’s not fun. I need to change my language to “want,” and it’s always helpful when my boyfriend points it out to me 😉

[Runemist34]

I can totally understand your frustration, and especially since anxiety attacks are much less noticeable than a panic attack, I can understand the confusion.
It sounds to me like an anxiety disorder- I have reacted like this often enough, I can relate to her.
But, that’s the thing. You’re looking at anxiety, not panic. Panic attacks are really easy to see, they’re easy to diagnose. Anxiety is not- anxiety causes people to close up, try to hide, and it becomes much, much less simple to diagnose or even notice that there’s a problem beyond being bitchy or unhappy.
If she can’t take criticism, then go for praise. Instead of “You should try putting your foot here,” go for “This move we really have down! Good job!”
A huge part of an anxiety/depression spiral is around negativity, and focusing on it. Anxiety causes a person to worry, to look only at the negative, and to project that negative into the future- to expect it. People with anxiety (myself included) BELIEVE that bad things will always come from the future… no matter what has ACTUALLY come down the line at us. The issue isn’t the facts of life, it’s what we choose to omit or focus on.
Depression is looking back, and seeing only that negativity.
Like I said, you need to just allow her to be herself. If she gets anxious, she’s going to get sullen, upset, short. She’s suddenly retreated into her head, and started on the spiral: “What do you think you’re doing? You can’t do this. You’ve seen it over and over again- you can’t get this. You’ll fail. You’ll fail, and your partner will be upset with you. They will laugh at you. You’ll never get it.” As soon as it’s any kind of criticism, even if you’re as gentle as possible, that voice gets louder. It’s a roar in her head that cripples her confidence, her belief that she CAN, her sense of identity. Everything is lost in the end.

Having the studies of psychology is NO substitute for actual experience. I appreciate and respect the outsider’s view- I see a counsellor, and I very much appreciate his help in my journey to be rid of my anxiety, but I also know that I am the one leading. He hasn’t been through the things I have, he doesn’t know what it’s like. I must lead the journey.

Telling her “This is just for fun!” may make her think she’ll ruin all your fun. Telling her “Don’t worry so much!” no matter what it’s followed by, will make her worry about how much she worries. Asking her if she needs drugs may make her think she’s crazy, needs to be medicated, perhaps she shouldn’t live with “normal people”. It all depends on her- what her triggers are, how severe she’s feeling it that day (or in general), and the sorts of things she’s afraid of.

So, as I said: Be with her, let her be herself. We may see anxiety as a bad thing to be battled, but she isn’t there yet. One MUST accept and learn to live with these sorts of things before they can be battled effectively. Acceptance for other people can be a huge leap in that goal.
Being positive is always an option- focus on what’s good, what’s going well, what you’re happy with or proud of. She will follow with confidence, she’ll come out of her shell if she can, and she will hopefully be able to hear the good things, and not worry so much. It’s all about focus.

[Runemist34]

Best thing that anyone has ever been done when I’m having an anxiety attack: Sit with me. They didn’t try to fix it, they didn’t try to talk me down, they didn’t even try to stop me crying. Whatever I say during those times is more for me than them- it’s so loud in my head that it’s coming out, whether I want it to or not. I’m not “consolable” in those times- I don’t know that anyone with an anxiety problem is really “consolable.”
As Cuwoody said, the problem runs deeper than that. You can’t cover it up with nice words and attempts to convince her that it’ll be okay or that it’s about having fun, so don’t try! Just… don’t!
My advice would be to practice a lot, make sure you’ve both got it down. If she asks you anything directly (“What if THIS happens?!”) then try to answer with the simplest thing you can think of. What if you fall? You’ll get up again. What if you get injured? Then we’ll talk to a doctor or a paramedic. What if people see you slip up? Then you keep dancing.
The trick is that you need to show her the trust that she lacks in herself. Instead of trying to convince her that she should trust herself (which she knows, I guarantee that), or trying to talk her out of being anxious, just… let her be herself! Let her exist the way she needs to right now. Be with her, let her go through it. I know it can be really painful to watch someone go through something like that… but you aren’t just watching. You’re going with her, you’re her solid place for a while when she needs it. But, you don’t need to exert yourself, and you don’t need to keep trying to fix it!
Eventually, she’ll figure out that, no matter what, you’ll be there and everything will be fine, or she’ll decide that she can’t handle it right now, and she’ll let you know.

Good luck!

[Runemist34]

I’ve considered this as well, but it’s awesome to have it explained with pictures and everything! I don’t do this kind of pose- something about it eludes me. So, usually I’m doing cat/cow, bow, and camel poses, as well as the “upward facing dog” I think. Moving my body toward and away from my arms seems to change the place where I feel the stretch (away from arms puts more of the curve into my upper back, toward arms puts more into my lower back).
I’m also thinking my hip flexors may be a bit tense for me to get a nice arch, since my back usually looks like a right angle (almost) and my hips are not doing anything!

[Runemist34]

Hey!
I know a lot of ladies around here find yoga to be extremely beneficial, for both flexibility and strength training, and it doesn’t often leave you sore, so you could look into that.
Personally, I’ve enjoyed Rock climbing (indoors, we have a gym nearby), and found it quite good for overall strength- legs, core, upper body, the works. It’s also a fun challenge, and will really boost your callouses! lol!
I’ve also been adding a couple of days at the gym. I’d love to get into chair work… but I need a chair (I literally have no chairs in my house!), so sometime soon that’ll happen!
I also know that quite a few people find just working on the different aspects of pole has been all they needed. Just learning to balance them out 🙂
I’ve taken up running, too. See how that goes for pole… it’s definitely made me want to work out again!

[Runemist34]

Well, I’ve been wanting to work on my butt-dancing skills Oo;

[Runemist34]

Hmm… have you seen a doctor abut this? Does your knee lock up at any other time?
Could be indicative of a problem with your muscles or joints lining up properly, or incorrectly engaging certain muscles (which I sort of doubt, considering you’re working on full inverts, I would hope you don’t have any imbalances!)
My suggestion would be to try to do it really, really slowly. From the floor, if you have to, in order to find the problem and see if there is a way to get around it. Doing it slow will give you an excellent indication of exactly when and where the issue is happening, and what it feels like when it does happen (you’d be surprised, we can often tell if it’s bone or muscle, or something else!), and whether or not you can use a certain amount of twist or different muscles to prevent it.
Though, I would recommend going to a doctor also. Knee troubles are something I’m fairly familiar with… and I would rather you catch it early and not have to go through lots of pain and frustration!

[Runemist34]

I totally agree with SexyRockStarsWife- I was poling, off and on, for about 5 years before I managed to get the basic invert. Due to… a variety of circumstances, poling consistently wasn’t really possible for me. But, I did manage to get the BI, and I still have it (barely). It’s not pretty, but it functions. I’m still very pleased to have it, but mostly I work on other moves, I work on strength training, and I remind myself that it’s not the end of the world if I don’t invert that way!
You are totally suitable to pole dance! If I can do it, you can do it 😉 Lots of people don’t even attempt the invert until 6 months in.
Have you tried some other upside-down moves? You could work on a CKR or CAR, which also took me a while to get (control in those moves is a B*tch when you don’t have the abs to do it! Great workout for your core!), and then you can work on handstands and variations, all that fun stuff! Lots of spins to spin and perfect, lots of strength moves that don’t require going upside down (like a split grip leg lift?) and all of those will get you closer to a basic invert… even if you don’t think they will.
If you really want pain, too, you could work on a teddy hold. Get you used to it before you try your Scorpio/Gemini 😉 lol