[Serzi]

Is this pole available for purchase anymore or was this a limited release? Was such a badass pole.

[Serzi]

Hello!

You are most certainly not alone in this struggle, but finding your own balance and inner peace will most likely be entirely unique to you. I don’t feel right telling you what depression is or isn’t, but I can offer a little insight into what it has been for me personally.

I am 30 years old. I have had issues all my life with instability (mentally, physically, emotionally) and when I was the age that you are now it became almost unbearable. I will spare you the specific details but, once again, please do not feel that you are entirely alone or that you should “suck it up, buttercup”.

Many people are completely ignorant of what you’re going through. They get a case of “the blues” when something doesn’t go well for them (break-up, financial stress, school, work, somebody messed up their latte’ at Starbucks) and then they bounce back into full function in a fairly short amount of time. Depression, however, is all-encompassing. It has no trigger, it is a part of you, it usually has cycles that you can recognize over time but never feel fully in control of. This is why some who suffer from it try to balance out with medication, distraction, isolation, etc.

I cannot tell you what will work to help lift you out of the depths of your despair, but I can tell you what has helped me. Firstly, I am unresponsive to medication. I’ve tried a full catalog of antidepressants/antipsychotics/mood stabilizers/sedatives and the like. The side effects for me were terrible and nothing seemed to improve my functionality. I felt dead while I was on them, no drive to carry out even the most basic task, and I’m pretty sure that if anyone were to drop dead in front of me while I was on that junk I would’ve been unable to feel either way about it. This is not to say meds haven’t helped other people, I’m just saying that for some it is not the best option to deal with their depression. Talk therapy helped me, but it is extremely costly and without a compassionate/patient/trust-worthy/professional counselor it is no longer an option for me. I have learned to self-soothe through a book that someone mentioned earlier (The Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Workbook) and I have also found sanctuary through dance.

The overwhelming feelings of dread and, at times, total disillusion of my life and societal role still hit very hard sometimes. I am not entirely where I feel I need to be and, worse yet, I don’t even understand WHERE that even is or how I’m supposed to get there. Sometimes I wish I could just think and feel the way other people seem to. How they remain unaffected and everything rolls right off their backs instead of crushing them. How speaking to others in a way that isn’t awkward, unnatural, boring, or distressing comes so easily. How perception is not an issue for them, or…at least it seems not to be. I often have to fight these thoughts because they only weigh me down further. I am not wired the same as “other people” and sometimes it flat-out sucks to have to reprogram manually for my own sake.

Seriously, that’s what it’s like some days. Metaphorically, I’m driving stick with barely a clue as to how it works, no one to instruct me, but full knowledge that I need to somehow make it work to get where I need to be. People with automatics fly past me effortlessly. Some say “What’s your problem?”, some shout obscenities at me, and once in awhile a kind soul will stop to try and help me. It’s unfortunate that no one knows how to drive this thing, you can only find out as you go. It does work, but finding out WHAT makes it work is constant trial and error. I will say, there are great minds that have done great things throughout history who drove stick and that somewhat fuels me to keep going. I don’t need to be destined for greatness, though, I really would rather be able to enjoy my journey. So I focus on my surroundings and the people who choose to ride with me instead of pass me by. I attempt to appreciate my own vehicle and continue to try each day to figure it out a little better. Sometimes I almost fly instead of drive…like an alien in a spaceship. lol

Sorry for all the metaphors, this is another way I make sense of my struggle. The formal diagnosis jibber-jabber is from a perspective outside of my situation, so I often redefine it in a way that makes sense to me. It’s your struggle, you can own it and make it work for you. This is your life, no one else’s, and you have every right to pull over, refuel, stop at rest areas, ask for directions, enjoy the scenery whenever you need to. Keep going, though, it’s a wild ride and it will surprise you how awesome the road less traveled may lead you.

I hope this helps. I may have trailed from my original narrative of this post, but I want very much to be uplifting about this. It is difficult to deal with depression and all the names associated with it. I suppose I’ll end it on this quote that has stuck with me since childhood:

“Of course it’s hard. If it wasn’t then everybody would do it. The ‘hard’ is what makes it great.”

[Serzi]

*months, not month

[Serzi]

Thank you all.

I have everything written down since this began eleven months ago. My waiting time certainly makes this difficult as the cut-off point to report such events is at 180 days…ironically the same time my boss decided to stop acting like my buddy on the matter. Although initially I did not seek to deal with this at all, I have done my homework over these past few month. I can’t afford a lawyer and, really, I don’t want one. I have reported this to Unfair Labor Practices and the EEOC. They are investigating and, even if it doesn’t help me, it may help the other girls I know who are too scared to come forward. I am very angry that I have to be the one to step forward while they all pretend they never told me their own issues with this guy, but…whatever, I understand. Hopefully they get to keep their dignity and receive the help I didn’t.

I have no desire to stay at this job, it is not worth the pay as it is. No benefits, no vacation, tons of work, but I was good at my job and until that jackass came along I enjoyed being around all of my coworkers. Don’t worry, I’m securing another position elsewhere and continuing to suffer at my current job until I can put in my two weeks. Or, by some miracle, finally being taken seriously and not being retaliated against for whatever may happen.

[Serzi]

Thank you so much for your response, Phoenix. It really means a lot to me that you would take the time to not only tell me your own story, but your encouragement and advice helps so much to soothe these difficult fears I have. Your words take me outside of my own situation and I see it a little more clearly. That is absolutely awful what happened to you and I am sorry for triggering your memories, but I want you to know I admire your strength.

[Serzi]

HR and corporate are not an option for this particular position. I’ve had to go above and beyond that at this point. And it’s pretty difficult when your boss has accommodated you by putting you on a separate shift, reassures you that he’s investigating it and believes you only to pull a complete 180 once he decides he’s fooled you long enough.

Yeah, I know, dumb move on my part. To think I could trust another human being even that much to be remotely decent or professional. Thanks for the pep-talk, I probably needed to hear that.

[Serzi]

I appreciate your input. I am currently searching for employment elsewhere as I battle this issue at my current job. I want very much to move on and put it all behind me. It is difficult to find others willing to speak about their own experiences and I do not blame them. Not wanting to address it personally is a huge reason why it has spiraled out of control for me. I’ve been married a very long time and sometimes forget that I’m still viewed as an object by other people.

Can I at least say that I’m tired of it being treated as though it didn’t happen or that “it’s not a big deal”? If it were any of these guys’ wives, sisters, mothers, daughters or friends they would lose their damn minds and woe betide the sleazy bastard that grabbed them like they own them. For that matter, what if a dude groped another guy at my job? They would probably punch his lights out.

[Serzi]

*others, not other’s

[Serzi]

It really relies on what your reason for dancing truly is. If you want to be an amazingly fit and flexy trickster w/ perfect posture and pointed toes then, yeah, it’s probably gonna take a LONG time before you’re satisfied. A few of my fav pole pros claim it took anywhere from 3-7 years before they felt they were “getting good”. lol

If you pole for pleasure, however, I’ve found it’s always rewarding. No need to get discouraged, just keep at it. Get lost in your music, enjoy THE MOMENT, become one with the pole. The early pains of new moves often wear away after you toughen up. It never really gets “easy”, but you build strength/agility/muscle memory and so it’s also never quite so “hard” as when you first started. You learn as you go. No one can teach you everything because your perception of your pole journey is unique to you. How it feels, how your body responds, your environment, your goals, your determination, your inspiration, your confidence, your body image, your strength, your time, your pain thresh-hold, etc.

For me? I loved it instantly. There was some cussing and discouragement in the early stages. I was fortunate enough to have my own pole, room, and a ton of spare time when I first started. How long before I could really do anything that looked good? Hmmmm, well, I’m not really an extremely confident person but it irritates me when girls are embarassed by their first pole vids. I try to keep a sense of humor about myself and appreciate my early videos as both a great memory captured on screen and a rare view into the innocent/humble/honest beginnings of an aspiring poler. I LOVE beginner videos because, to me, it’s the most beautiful and unpretentious part of the journey. It reminds you of what you’ve accomplished and how much you went through to get to that point. It HELPS OTHERS because they get to see you weren’t just born an awesome poler, that you made some of the same exact mistakes they did, that you suffered for weeks just to get a move you can bust out like it ain’t no thang now. lol

[Serzi]

To answer a previous question, yes, Metallica’s video for Turn the Page had some pole dancing. It featured the adult film star Ginger Lynn and she wasn’t half bad. She did a brief chair dance, a front (or back, not sure) hook spin, some sexy floorwork, and a V-leg wrist seat with her back to the camera. Alas…no inverts.

Others I can remember are Violet by Hole, GirlsGirlsGirls by Motley Crue, I Just Don’t Know What to Do With Myself by The White Stripes, and Tainted Love by Marilyn Manson.

In movies: Halloween, Rob Zombie’s wife Sheri did a front hook spin to the song Love Hurts (by Nazareth). Exit to Eden, there were some strippers doing some basic climbs and moves. I Know Who Killed Me, I think Lindsay Lohan did some stuff but I never actually saw the movie. Grindhouse: Planet Terror, Rose McGowan did some slight twirling I think. Suicide Kings, a stripper did some cool moves AND INVERTED…sadly it was a very brief, atmospheric strip club scene and the trickster was not a named character in the film.

[Serzi]

Things I say just do not come out the way I am trying to express. This issue with “the legitimization of pole” has hardened my heart beyond all words.

[Serzi]

lol I was just waiting for someone to take that example and completely throw everything else I said out the window. Why I even bother posting anymore I’ll never know. It truly is utterly pointless.

[Serzi]

*Olympic

[Serzi]

I’ve never understood the concept of breaking through barriers by putting up more of them. Basically, by doing such things, they tell society that there is something wrong with pole dancing. Any idea how laughable and hypocritical it seems to non-polers when people make these ridiculous rules? Get OVER yourselves, snobby didn’t-quite-make-it-as-an-Olymic-gymnast-or-ballerina-supreme. Having a closed mind yourself is not going to open the door to changing popular opinion. Quit rejecting the talent and support pole ALREADY HAS in favor of winning over the people who hate it.

[Serzi]

Well, your sn immediately reminded me of a lyric from Jimi Hendrix’s song “Purple Haze” where it goes “‘scuse me while I kiss the sky!”. I’m a bit old fashioned, though. Just what came to mind.

Anything dubstep seems to be the fav concerning pole these days. Any new fangled pop songs by artists I have no idea about are pretty popular.

You want my honest opinion, though? Pick a song that has always held great meaning to you. Your true self will shine on stage because you know every word, every note, and will dance from your soul. 😉